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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

For Those Who Know Me, I've Done It, I Dumped The BF!

14 replies

saggyhairyarse · 20/08/2013 00:43

After 3 years, 2 of which I realised I had made a grave mistake, I have dumped the BF. A few Mumnetters might remember my back story.

I know taking 2 years is 2 years too long but it was an improvement on taking 10 years with the alcoholic XH.

We live and learn, eh?

OP posts:
pleaseleave · 20/08/2013 00:46

wow well done!
I have just done the same , after many many more wasted years than you.
I felt elated for the first two weeks but since then have been very up and a LOT of down. but I don't regret my decision . in fact I can't wait for him to be out if the house .
how are you feeling ?

Solo · 20/08/2013 00:47

Not sure if I remember your back story, but well done from me anyway! :) it takes guts to get out sometimes and sometimes it also takes years to do.

pleaseleave · 20/08/2013 00:49

what's the back story ?

Original poster
saggyhairyarse · 20/08/2013 01:13

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1527778-Relationship-Or-just-a-pile-of-shit

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/1813701-Feel-so-sad

^ The first post was two years ago :-o You know things aren't right, you pootle along, I have no explanation for why I didn't do what I said I was going to do there and then after rereading that!!!!

OP posts:
pleaseleave · 21/08/2013 00:12

well done saggy. xx

Lweji · 21/08/2013 07:45

Well done.

Start working on your boundaries now.

Doha · 21/08/2013 08:41

Well done--you did it Flowers

You LTB Grin

Wellwobbly · 21/08/2013 09:12

Saggy, Al-anon is a HUGE help. You will find you are not alone, and you will learn so much about yourself, boundaries and detachment.

And? It is FREE.

Original poster
saggyhairyarse · 21/08/2013 09:30

Thank you! I will, definitively, i've arranged to go to cognitive behaviour therapy and counselling and until I have done that I am not going to go to even look at other relationships. My judgement is flawed!

OP posts:
MissMarplesBloomers · 21/08/2013 09:33

Onwards & Upwards Saggy

You sound like you are taking really positive steps to break the mould of abusive relationships which is a HUGE step, but bet it feels good eh? Grin

Anniegetyourgun · 21/08/2013 09:49

Congratulations on losing 12st of excess flab!

I don't mean this to sound judgemental, especially given it took me 25 years to get rid of mine(!), but how did the bugger manage to worm his way in after your thread of last year, when you had the perfect opportunity and seemingly the determination to keep him out? It would be useful to know so that the next poor sap on here who is trying to get rid of a skanky, disrespectful cocklodger will be able to recognise the lines and put a block up! I expect there was an awful lot of "I've seen the light, I didn't know what I had till it was gone, I've learned my lesson" etc, and probably some positive changes for about a week...

Sometimes I think that Hope wasn't the only good thing to come out of Pandora's Box - it was the worst thing of all.

Original poster
saggyhairyarse · 21/08/2013 11:23

I think we spent the majority of the summer apart. I went away while my kitchen was being done and then went away again at the end of the holidays. There was so much going on with the house, me starting Uni and 'life' that when I came back and he had missed me you think that other things are getting better (the house etc) that maybe he will care more. Then, as you say, its not sustainable. The final straw was actually at Easter when my son broke his arm, I had my years worth of Uni work to submit as a portfolio and the now XBF acted like a knob on the one night I was pulling an all nighter with Uni work as the next day the hospital were deciding if DS needed an operation and I did not know if I would get the chance to do any more work before the submission date. That really pissed me off!

The problem being is we have history and he has a brain injury which I relate to as I was a support worker for head injury patients. Some of his behaviour is related to that (lack of empathy etc) but, really, and I know this sounds harsh but I have neither the time nor the inclination to put mine and the childrens happiness in order to fix someone. I spent my married life doing that and look where it got me?

OP posts:
Anniegetyourgun · 21/08/2013 11:28

Well, exactly.

It's probably a good thing you did give him that one last chance, mind you, because now you know for certain he can't/won't become a better partner. Just because you understand why someone is like they are doesn't mean they're any easier to live with.

Hope your son's arm is on the mend.

wordyBird · 21/08/2013 17:38

Hurray! Good for you, saggy :)
It had to be done. I hope counselling helps you, and that life starts to feel easier (or as easy as is possible while you're studying)

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