Totally sick of my awful mother...

[Shellywelly1973]

My mother is awful. I didn't understand her until i started to read stuff on MN. She's a narc, her enabler is my sister. They are both toxic, judgey & spiteful. I have NC with my sister. I haven't spoken to her propley for 6 months following her behaviour when i had a mmc.

I've continued to tolerate my mother but Im seriously considering NC since our most recent conversion. My Mil is dying from cancer. She's got lung cancer which has spread to her brain & liver. Its been really difficult these last couple of weeks as Mil has deteriorated at such a rapid rate.

My younger sister who is the kindest & fairest person I've ever met, took my youngest ds5 to see my mother last week & to give me some help. My mother phoned me on Saturday. She eventually got to the point of her call. She told me ds5 ' Is nothing but a fuckin little bully & Dn is terrified of him'. Sister did warn me our boys fell out but said our mother was totally out of order & ott in dealing with my ds-sister had to tell mother to stop telling him off.
Ds & Dn do fall out but the boys are the same age & fall out but also make up quickly.

Ds is being assessed for ASD. I have a ds of 8 who has a diagnosis of ASD & ADHD. Ds5 is definitely showing signs of being socially & emotionally delayed but very different from his big brother.

This is such a difficult time. Mil was like my dc's 3rd parent. She's in hospital & wont be coming home. She's unlikely to be here for Christmas. The summer holidays are always hard but this year its especially hard.

Since Saturday i keep thinking about what a nasty old bitch my mother is. She turns everything round to her, its all about her. Her health, her loneliness, her hospital appointments, she's so negative & self absorbed. I get nothing from our phone conversations. I've seen her once since Christmas. She's not been to my house for more then 5 years, even though I've invited her & she's visited my older sister who lives 2 roads away.

I don't know why I've posted really. I can't talk to anyone in RL, I would have told Mil before but she's not able to do that now. I suppose i just need to get it out. Do you ever stop being hurt by people like my mother? It was quite easy going NC with my older sister but i know my mum wouldn't accept it so easily. How do othts do it?

Tia.

Oh & my mum knows ds5 is being assessed but kept telling me there is absolutely nothing wrong with him a good slap wouldn't cure...FFS!!

What stops you going NC?

What would be the worst that can happen if you do.

Your mother sounds horrible, BTW.

Stop seeing her...she sounds horrible. I don't know how easy that would be but I think you need to tell her what you have told us, leave her to think about it and cut contact. Are you sure you haven't got anyone to help you in RL - that would really help you to be strong? Good luck with your son's diagnosis/assessment.

Its really sad but i don't have anyone to help in RL. My younger sister is the only family i have in this city & she's busy with her 2 young dc&works fulltime.

My mother will not let me do it on my terms...my older sister has slightly more awareness so she stopped trying to contact me there- eventually!

I don't see my mother more them 2/3 times a year but its the phone calls...They drive me insane. I only answer the phone to her about once a fortnight now. She calls every day.

Its so difficult at the moment. Im exhausted emotionally & physically. I think i will have to leave any decisions for the time being as my judgement is not good, to day the least!

Well don't answer the phone to her until you feel up to it. Put a notice by the phone giving you permission if that helps. If you can manage to only do it once a fortnight when she phones everyday then that should be do able.

Don't bother telling her you are going NC, just don't contact. You have enough to deal with and at present she is a total drain.

Do talk to your GP, and accept all the help you can get. Look after yourself!

On a practical level, would it be possible to change your phone number/block her number/turn the phone ringer off (depending on mobile or land line)?

I have a toxic mother, we generally follow a path of icy politeness such that Antarctica looks positively toasty. She will always try and hurt you unless you are able to go NC, do your dc get anything positive out of their relationship with her?