How to get over a disappointment about your relationship

[miniminx]

I've been married for 13 years and we have 3 sons together.

We were very much in love when we met at uni and had always felt as if we had something very special and somehow our sex life has also remained great most of the time.

But, over the last 2 years we have experienced some proper major problems. The nub of it really is that he seems to have become sexually far more interested in the idea of other women than he is in me and I find this very hurtful and it puts me off having sex with him.

I think he feels that he never got enough experience of the wild bachelor life before we settled down young and I think this is made worse by the fact that I had more sexual experience than he had (not much, but I had one open relationship at the age of 19, which he views as really exciting!)

At one point he asked if I would have an open relationship, where he could sleep with other women but he wasn't sure that he could handle me sleeping with other men - he said later that the bit about me and other men was a joke, but I didn't find it funny, it made me feel totally disrespected and rubbish.

After I told him I really wasn't into the open relationship thing, he spent about 5 days trying to bully me into it. It seemed really out of character and I was devastated that he was behaving like this.

He has since apologised, rather grudgingly that he hurt my feelings, but I'm finding it very hard to move on. I have lost my confidence about having sex with him.

Anyone suggest a way forward?

Time, that's all any of us have to get over such things..

That's what he says, but it doesn't seem to be working for me.

I just seemed to have shut down parts of me and can't seem to trust him now.

Sorry Miniminx, I'm fresh out of suggestions but I'll bump for you

miniminx - bloody men and their rather big mouths.

you would be feeling like this because he has suggested looking elsewhere - of course you will be devastated, for the silly bugger even telling you this.

make him fully understand why he has made you feel like this - tell him how would he have felt if you had of come to him and told him you wanted an open relationship. men always think about threesomes etc ... with another woman... but god help them if another man ever even as much flirted with their woman.

you need to find your confidence again - how ever that may be... confidence is a big role player in enjoyable sex. you've lost your path due to his silly comment - now somehow you need to get back on that path.... if you can - get you hair done (i am a firm believer a good hair style makes any woman happy and feel sexy), maybe shut him up in the bedroom - spice it up a little .... with just the two of you...

xx

Thanks Gravity

After I read your post, I rang him and we had lunch together today and I broached the subject.

He seemed amazed that this was still upsetting me and thought I just seemed to have "gone off him because he'd put on a bit of weight". But it was good because we have agreed to put some time aside (somehow around the kids) to talk about stuff a bit more and he is actually listening this time. Straight after it happened, he wouldn't talk about it and just got angry, so I didn't know what to do with my crap feelings. He says that was because he felt really bad, stupid, dirty and guilty about it and didn't know what to say.

He says he would still like to sleep with other women if I was happy with this though, which does hurt my feelings. He says he just doesn't want to be dishonest about it and that he wants to be with me much more than he wants to sleep with other women, otherwise he wouldn't still be here.

I'd rather he didn't feel the need to tell me that tbh, but I suppose it could be an awful lot worse.

I just need a thicker skin.

Thanks again for your considered reply - it gave me the confidence to open the subject with him again and especially thanks for the haircut advice - we're always skint, but having a good excuse to buy myself a haircut is great:o

i dont think you need to get a thicker skin because if you didnt care that dh said something like that your relationship would be in deep water, it may not hurt as much as your dh actually sleeping with someone but i think the hurt would still be very great none the less

keep in touch miniminx
x

You don't need a thicker skin. He needs to be more sensitive to your feelings. If he knows you hate the idea of him being with other women, and this discussion has obviously upset you in the past, he should keep his thoughts to himself. IMO there is room in every relationship for a few white lies (ie I only want to be with you). Honesty could just be an excuse for a second attempt at broaching the subject.
It works both ways. If he can't handle the idea of you being with other men, and you don't want to be with other men, then there is no possibility of an open relationship. He just wants your permission to have an affair, to spare himself the guilt and the sneaking around.
I would tell him that the subject is closed. Get a new haircut, some new makeup and play hard to get. Treat em mean....

Thanks both of you.

It is nice to get it off my chest. We've talked about it together quite a lot now and I think I am ready to try to work on getting my feelings back.

I find it hard not to dredge back over the same stuff, but need to avoid this - I know it isn't healthy.

And yes, definitely need to concentrate on pampering myself a bit :o

hi miniminx - best thing to do by getting it off your chest, bottling it up means if an arguement arises you are going to hit the roof at him

i think he should try reassuring you also,words once in the open cant be recalled, and if they hurt another those words take a very long time to forget

but now, you go make that excuse and dont feel guilty about that sexy new hair do

x

poor you miniminx!

Although it's hurtful to hear it imo it's a good thing that he's being honest about it, and the key phrase that leapt out at me was: "he wants to be with me much more than he wants to sleep with other women".

It sounds like he's having a classic mid life crisis. At least he is talking about it rather than having an affair behind your back. That must be testament to the strength of your relationship and the level of respect he has towards you: it would appear that he is not contemplating deceiving you.

Having said that, I would feel EXACTLY the same as you. It is a crisis for your relationship for sure. It might be worth going to relate to help you through this one.

Good luck xxx