I am at the point of making arrangements to leave my EA and financially controlling P of 20 years and I would appreciate some more wise MN support.
We?re in Australia and I posted a few months ago first thread and second thread and I got some great support and information.
The months have gone by. The EA has continued, I am now working but not making much after the childcare, but it helps.
And it means I don?t have to ask him for money for haircuts and all the other things.
P was very resistant to me arranging the childcare but I did it anyway and then I got a job interview for a 3 days a week job and I got it.
He has pressured me to reduce hours, says he does not want his kids in childcare. Not willing to do any care himself though. He does 2 of the 6 drop offs and pickups.
He has just returned from 10 days in the UK (his father has suddenly become terminally ill). We tried to talk yesterday about what will happen next, our house lease ends in December.
I?ve told him that I think this is a good break point and I want to return to UK and set up a life. DS1 is already 4 and needs a school place. DS2 is almost 3.
I have mentioned December to him before yesterday. He is furious that I want to ?make my own choices?. I have emphasised that as we have the DC we need to reach decisions together.
In previous conversations he has suggested that when we return to UK we should rent a place together (with separate rooms) for 6 or 12 months.
He is angry that I do not want this. He states that this would make the transition easier for the boys. Instinctively I think we have to make the break and make it for them too in a clear understandable way and that this would muddy the water. Also I do not want them exposed to the toxic atmosphere. The other reason he wants this is that it would be cheaper.
Anyway yesterday I asked about him paying for return to UK as I've been either off work with DCs or paying for everything while he was out of work last year and I have no money to speak of ? a few hundred quid maybe. I said about Dec and also that this might mean the boys & I could see their Grandpa. He said he will help pay for us and it seemed OK. I went to the shops and felt maybe things might work out.
An hour later I came back and he said he's changed all his plans - not going back til mid 2014.
I said what about the time you would be away from the boys and he said no - he meant this for all of us.
Then he watched the football. I put the DCs to bed. After, he asked me about giving him $200 for half the electricity bill in a sarcastic way.
I said you know don't have it I don't have much left after childcare but at least I can get the groceries and pay for the boys treats and haircuts etc which I do not have to ask him for.
He said sarcastically ?oh but you are working now what was the point of that?? I reminded him that when he was out of work I built up debts that I need to work to repay. This makes him respond angrily ? but it is just the truth! He promised at the time to ?see me right? when he got work but that?s not happened. I have given up waiting.
Later I asked about this new idea about 2014. When we knew we were splitting he said we did not have the money to rebound straight away to UK. I said that I have stayed this long cos you asked me to (although yes it is a nice place to live) so that the costs were more manageable. He went mad and shouted that did I think I was doing him a favour?
He said I am making the wrong choice, should continue to live with him, am money obsessed and a bad mum. He said I will never be happy or find a job in the UK.
He said I will be putting myself in a bad position just to do what I want. He said I am not thinking about DCs at all.
He said he feels sorry for DCs having a bad decision maker and selfish mum.
When I mentioned school he said he will pay to get X home schooled. He said what's the point of applying for a school in the place I plan to go to when ?we don't know where we will live?. He thinks it is right that HE picks the place to live (this will be in London environ where his jobs are).
Yet in the morning conversation he had agreed that I can only afford a property in the north (where we are from, family etc ? not much practical support but family nonetheless).
I asked him outright if he would help me with the money to leave and he said yes but that he would not ?pay for my whims? (shouting).
He did not clarify when asked what the whims are. I just feel beaten after these conversations and I went to read in bed of course crying and crying. I had a review with GP this morning and she even looked sad when I told her some of the stuff. I?m on anti depressants which are helping but I need to get us out. It?s just the money.
He could not sleep later cos jetlag, so asking me in the night why I want to take HIS kids away. I did not respond.
He asked me at 7am do I not think the DCs need their Dad? I just calmly said I have always said they do need their Dad.
I need to get some flights booked, get somewhere to stay (holiday rental) booked for me and DCs and get organised to get my stuff shipped.
I can do all this but not if he withholds the money. He has said he will not challenge me travelling with the boys internationally.
Today he has phoned me and been "nice" says we'll all go out at the weekend and relax. Says he can't bear everything to fall apart right now with his Dad being so ill.
In summary, I need the bravery to face these terrible conversations and get him to front up the money.
I will get shouted at and name called at every turn and the twist of the knife that I am not doing right by DCs.
I WILL be in a small rental house and looking for a job and it WILL be a struggle and not the nice life the DCs have here. But I know we need to go. I've taken legal advice in both countries - laws better for me in Aus, but assets are in UK, so it's hard to call.
Sorry it is so long.
Anyone been there? Any words of encouragement? HELP!!