My sister's MIL is ruining her marriage

[Reality]

The background to this is that my sister found out six months ago that her DH has been doing cocaine socially for the whole time she's known him.

She was very clear when they met that she was anti drugs and he told her he was too. His best mate is a local 'wide boy' drug dealer type, and BIL always made out that he thought he was a bit pathetic and that drugs were for losers. When as it turns out he was snorting coke with him every weekend. Worse, they woudl do it at my sister's house, she'd go to bed with the baby and they woudl sit downstairs until the early hours ostensibly playing poker.

So, this revelation was six months or so ago. They have an 8mo DS and my sister is 14weeks pregnant. Things have been great, he has stopped seeing this 'mate', stopped going to the pub at the weekends, quit the football team, basically worked really hard at doing everything my sister needed him to do.

He is a good guy, and genuinely loves her, adores his son. He was a fucking idiot to lie and do drugs but I honestly believe he is making the changes he needs to.

The fly in the ointment is his mother. She drinks with the same crowd of people as BIL used to. They live their life round the pub. Even before the drugs revelation, she woudl paint my sister as the nagging wife, she'd phone BIL on a Sunday afternoon for eg and say, 'oh go on, see if she'll let you have a pass, come down the pub for a few'. Since all the coke stuff came out BIL has cut his former best mate/dealer out of his life. She still hangs around with him. He is still invited to her parties and she drinks with him in the pub.

My sister phoned me in tears this morning, I am raging. She went out with her friend yesterday for her friend's birthday, leaving BIL with the baby. As soon as she'd gone, he went to the pub (baby in tow!) for 'lunch' with his mother.

This is the local pub where all the old cronies hang about, and where he was very liekly to bump into ex mate and all the other druggy fuckwits.

This has all blown up again as my sister went mental at him when she got in. He is very remorseful but felt unable to say no to his mum's invite for lunch. Lunch isn't the problem, going to this pub is.

My sister feels that as soon as her back was turned, his mother was straight in his ear going, ah go on, she's not around to tell you not to.

His mother knows all about the drugs (it was a revelation to her at the same time) but thinks my sister is massively overreacting by demanding he stops seeing his friends and curtails his social life. Mainly because she lives her life through him and the pub.

My sister is emailing Relate this morning, which I think is great. He is keen to do whatever she wants to save their marriage, or at least he is until his fucking mother pokes her nose in.

There is a whole subsection of backround as well around his family thinking my family are posh and stuck up (apart from me, because I am a drinker and a partier so they like me ), my family aren't stuck up, they just don't live their whole social lives around the pub and my sister doesn't really drink. So there's a whole thing around his mum being very defensive about the pub 'lifestyle'.

Any advice? My sister posts on here sometimes so I'll point her to this thread.

As far as I kow, he did coke whenever he was with this mate of his. So, Friday night in the pub, Saturday night playing poker at home and Sunday afternon after football.

So as part of the trust building he has cut this mate out and stopped going to the pub and playing football.

I don't necessarily agree with my sister's approach but I do understand it. And his mother is working as hard as she can to undermine it. She phones to invite him out all the time, but when my sister is there BIL says no.

She didn't know he was doing drugs but does now, and I'm not sure what her feelings are on it. Althiugh judging by the fact she is still besties with the local drug dealer, I dont' think she gives a shiny shit.

And my sister has never told him not to see his mum, or stopped him seeing her.

He works with her and sees her every single day and they visit as a family and all spend lots of time together.

I must go and do something constructive, thanks for all teh replies, I'll check back in later.

I agree the issue is with your BIL not the MIL. He could and should say no to her and avoid the pub . Is moving away an option ?

hmm. trouble is she has married into this culture - his family, his mates, his lifestyle. she didn't know he did drugs no, but she knew he had a very different lifestyle to her and knew his family/your family were very different.

realistically they either move away, or she polices him till that destroys all love and respect between them or she accepts that this is his lifestyle.

i can virtually smell the pub and the 'type' reality. there's one here. it now has a bouncy castle placed there so that alcoholic weekend dads can get rid of the kids in the garden and be free to spend all their money at the bar and talk shit to the other alkies in peace.

yuk.

and there are the whole families of drinkers, coke users etc in there all up in each others business and no you never see the wives because most of them seem to have somehow managed to marry lovely, homestaying, uncomplaining (for all i know) women who somehow put up with them spending their lives and money in the pub whilst they raise the children and presumably spend every night alone.

she's married into 'that'. she's the nice respectable one and forced into being the nag, the 'ball and chain', etc etc. it sounds like he's the 'nice' one but he's still one of them, that's his culture and norm and that of his family and friends and....?

i honestly can't see how she gets away from that but keeps him unless they move or she just never goes in there and learns not to give a shit what those people say about her behind her back. presumably the latter is what the wives of all these blokes in the pub have gone for (many of whom i went to school with etc ((i've moved back here in recent years)) and have been propping that bar up the whole 15 years i didn't live here).

you know that world reality. what options has she really got? given she can't actually shoot his mother and mates.

SaF you have absolutely nailed it, and it's so sad.

The awful thing is we all knew this. We all saw it. And it was fine for her to put up with it for the sake of the good times (of which there are many, he is a genuinely nice guy, it's just that this culture is so ingrained) before they had a baby. And now she's pregnant again, unexpectedly, and it's all just a crashing mess.

She has done a real number on herself with cognitive dissonance, she wanted the husband and the babies and the home and she has got that up to a point. Unfortunately she has ignored the glaring wailing sirens about their fundamental differences.

ALL of their friends knew he was doing drugs, in fact her so called best friend was introduced to him as 'this is X, you musnt tell his girlfriend that he does coke or she'll leave him'. So they've all lied to her for years.

So she's been pigeonholed right from the very start into the nagging wifey at home role.

She feels now that her whole life and marriage was based on lies and falseness, and I don't blame her. That said, he was never going to be the dutiful family man she convinced herself he was.

I honestly thought she was going to leave him when she found out. Instead they made a go of it based on him making huge changes. I just don't think he can do it.

I don't think moving away is an option, we all live so close and she would lose so much support if she did.

I just wish I could wave my Big Sister Magic wand and make it all better for her.

yep. could do with that wand over here when you're done with it.

I think SAF and artex are right.

Your BIL sounds pretty easily led - he listens to his mum but he's ready to try Relate, etc. I know usually people are wary of too many outsiders getting involved, but are you able to talk to him? Especially since you know what it is like getting off the drugs, and that would help him (at least) see that this isn't about two families taking sides, which is clearly what his mother wants to paint it as, but about him needing to get off the drugs. Which he does, whether he stays with your sister or not - they're his children so he needs to get his life sorted out.

If you could talk to him in a non-confrontational way, or just make it clear that you are a listening ear for both him and your sister despite knowing he's done wrong by lying to her, maybe that will help break down his mum's attempts to make this into a constant battle between the two families.

I'm really sorry she's coping with this, reality.

Can't see the harm of lunch at the pub with his Mother even with the baby. I don't think he would be taking cocaine there. It's a bit drastic but they would be better moving away from his mother if she's such a bad influence. Seems odd that a mother should be the one who is the bad influence. They're usually the ones who nag in vain. At least most of the ones I know. But it's not such a good idea for you to interfere too much although give support to your sister.

Thank you.

I think he is a bit of a yes man in general, although of course it could be that he's just telling my sister what she wants to hear.

The reason the pub is such a bit deal is because it's become symbolic for my sister of all the trouble. So for him to go there immediately as soon as she was out of the way felt like a massive bitchslap. And she had a panic attack about it becuase she was too far away to come and get the baby, she felt powerless and as though they were all laughing about her behind her back.

I don't think she'#s being entirely rational about this and I do personally think she overreated in this instance, but I can completely understand why. And his mother knew the shitstorm it woudl cause.

It was ex best mate's birthday last week, the one BIl has cut out, and my sister heard his mum on the phone to him telling him to just lie to her about where he was going so he coudl come to the party. She's just riding totally roughshod over the needs of their marriage and children because all she's bothered about is her social life.

I think it's totally understandable if she is being a bit paranoid (can't really tell if she is or not, since from what you say she's got good reasons to be concerned). In her shoes I would definitely be feeling that part of the fallout when you do something like he's done, is that your partner is going to lose a bit of trust. If you're really sorry, you deal with that when it's something harmless like avoiding going to a certain pub for a bit.

If she were insisting on him doing all sorts of stuff that'd be a massive hardship, it might be different, but I can't really see why this is a particularly unreasonable demand in the context.

I mean, I think people are approaching her reaction as if her finding it hard to trust him is somehow deliberate or vindictive? And it isn't: trust is something you actually feel, so if she doesn't feel she trusts him going to this pub, that is something she feels as a direct result of what he has done.

Thank LRD, that's exactly my take on it. Six months down the line from the revelations he shoudl still be on his utmost best behaviour.

She is broken

I bet.

Poor her. But you'll see her though it.

My sister is emailing Relate this morning, which I think is great. He is keen to do whatever she wants to save their marriage, or at least he is until his fucking mother pokes her nose in. If he is just going along with it then ultimately things won't work . Has he had any counselling re drug/drink habits, did he even recognise it as his problem ? I suspect until he finds an alternative to fill the void from this and the associated football and pub , he will be vulnerable to being lured back. She and the dc alone may simply not be enough. :(

How old are they? I mean he could possibly grow out of this behaviour with age. However how long do you have until he grows up?
Its a road to nowhere. I suspect it's tempting and by the sounds of it his mum is encouraging him. If I found out my son had been taking drugs for six years with this lad I wouldn't be encouraging him to come to his party . I would encourage him to distance himself from this guy. Could the mother possibly be taking drugs?

He probably uses this lifestyle as he is bored and has fun taking drugs etc as a way of escape but really he needs something else to fill the boredom.

Unless he dumps all his friends, area, lifestyle etc then he will not change. He is weak and easily led. Also he has to want it himself too. He would have to change jobs too because his mum sounds like a negative not a positive person encouraging him.

What ages are they?

I think your sister needs to move on. It won't get any better. There's too many people working against the relationship - His family, his friends. Hed have to be incredibly strong to cut them out.