What to do about my friend... Dv related.

[MissOtisRegretsMadam]

I have name changed for this.
I will try to be brief but will add as much back story as I can.

My friend has been in relationship for 3 and a half years she already had 2 older dcs and has gone on to have 2 year old dd with this guy.

When she met him she had come out of violent relationship with older dcs dad.
The current guy was an old friend of my dps who he came back into contact with after years.

Within 3 weeks he had moved in and within 6 months she was pregnant.

Things went wrong pretty quick. He would go on drinking benders and not come back for days etc. He also gambles, didn't hold down a job, gambled lots of money, stolen from her and fraudulently opened accounts in her name.
This has been going on the whole relationship. I have advised her to leave him, listened to her every time he walks out (usually every couple of months)
She always takes him back. She has admitted she knows its not good for her dcs but she is not strong enough to be on her own.

She has told me so many terrible things he has done.
My dp is no longer really friends and has distanced himself. Every time he goes back to her he promises to change and get help but never does. He takes lots of coccaine. My friend has admitted she has begun to take it too.
Things have changed lately between us... She no longer tells me the full story of their arguements and it seems she is just tagging along with him on his partying nights out (I'm guessing to make sure he doesn't cheat as she has caught him out before)

Anyway the dilemma is this. A week ago she bumped into a friend of mine on a night out. They don't know each other well. She ran to her crying and was really drunk. She told my friend her partner had been arrested earlier in the night for trying to hit her in front of the police. She disclosed to my friend he hits her regularly and once in front of one of her dcs. She begged my friend not to tell me as I have been telling her to leave him for a long time. My friend told her not to with him and she needed to get out for her dcs sake.

Two days later he was back home again. I only know because of all the lovey dovey stuff on Facebook (him saying he is detoxing and will change, her supporting him, photos of them on that night before he got arrested and his family putting jokey comments about 'calm before the storm')

I only found out this yesterday when I returned from holiday and saw my friend who saw her out.

I am very worried about her now I know about the violence. Also worried about her dcs. The older ones had a bad time with their own father. Before I knew about the violence I was beginning to become annoyed with her constant on off dramas. Now I feel sick about it as she is again a victim.

What should I do? It appears they are playing happy families again but I know that's just bullshit until next time. How can I help her?

Are social services involved?

I don't think you can help her, as you have already been there with a listening ear and advice for a long time. But you can consider calling social services in order to try getting help for her children. She will not thank you for it. But examine your conscience and decide what you want to do for the best.

SS. She will do what she decides to do. Her children are helpless victims.

Well I text her to see if she was ok and told her I'd seen my friend who saw her. She replied that was drunk and confused on that night and being a drama queen and couldn't remember much.
I replied and told her what my friend had said. She replied saying she was probably confused about what she said. She said he had raised his hand to her but it was awhile ago and the dcs definitely didn't see. She said he had been arrested but not for hitting her. And a lot had happened since that night and they were having a fresh start.

I replied saying I was really worried about her and suggested meeting up.

I think I will wait to see her as she is more likely to talk in person than on the phone.

I did consider ringing ss but am worried that it would make things worse. As in if they found nothing untoward she would hate me forever.
The 2 older dcs spend most weekends at their grandparents and dads which is when her partner drinks and goes out so if any of the dcs saw anything I doubt it would be them if that makes sense. And the youngest one is too young to tell somebody if they had seen anything.

I am no way condoning that by the way but I think I need to speak to her properly in person before acting on anything.

She lied and covered for her previous partner for years before contacting police so she is no stranger to covering things up to the right people.

I just feel iv let her down by not knowing what's really happening.

Iv got a feeling she will just gloss over it all and deny and play everything down.

She is surrounded by people who normalise his behaviour and see him as someone troubled who with the right support will make it good in the end. He is very good at making people feel sorry for him.

If she falls out with me she will have nobody trying to encourage her to get out of it.

She will probably minimise it, you're right. If you push too hard, she will stop seeing you. If she tells her h, he will probably make her feel guilty about seeing you so she will gradually stop.

Just try to have fun together so she sees you as a breath of fresh air, be ready to listen, and to give her WA's number if she tells you anything.

You can phone SS anonymously, btw.

Social services should already have been notified by the police, we always refer on DV cases with children involved in my force

Even if I did it anonymously she would know it was me as everybody else around her supports their relationship.

With her first partner she hated him but stayed for sake of the children as he supported them financially and was hands on with his dcs, spending time taking them on holidays and days out.

With this guy she is madly in love with him. When he walks out on her she will drive around looking for him and begging him to come back. I just can't understand it at all.

My dp tells me to stay out of it but I just want her to see he is not worth it and she could do it on her own and be happy.

That's what I assumed nigel but if it was in a town centre on a night out would they even know they had children? She claims as a single parent I think so he is not officially living there.

As she has now said he wasn't arrested for hitting her I wonder if the police saw them rowing and when they approached him he began kicking off with the police.