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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Not sure what I feel about this

14 replies

Needanewnamebad · 18/08/2013 22:30

DP and I just had a massive row, screaming, shouting, the whole shebang. Mostly on my part I must add. Anyway in the middle of it all he put one hand across my mouth and one around my throat. I was in complete shock and asked why he did it. He said he wanted to make me stop shouting so I didn't wake DD up and scare her.

OP posts:

BasilBabyEater · 18/08/2013 22:34

No, he didn't, he wanted to shut you up and he used the threat of serious violence to do it.

BasilBabyEater · 18/08/2013 22:36

If he'd been worried about your DD waking up, he had other options: he could have STFU himself, he could have reminded you that she's asleep and could wake up, he could have left the house so that you had no-one to shout at.

He chose to threaten you physically instead.

Original poster

Needanewnamebad · 18/08/2013 22:44

It achieved what he wanted it to but I'm still shaking now. There was a similar incident a few months ago when he physically restrained me during an argument to stop me leaving. I feel sick.

OP posts:

myroomisatip · 18/08/2013 22:50

This is abusive. I dont know what to advise apart from LTB :(

youvegotmail · 18/08/2013 22:50

You are on a very dangerous and slippery slope I'm afraid. :(

myroomisatip · 18/08/2013 22:52

My ex tampered with my car to stop me leaving. I called the police. Best thing I ever did.

I think you need to talk to Womens Aid and also to your local Domestic Violence unit.

myroomisatip · 18/08/2013 22:53

Is he still there? Do you feel safe?

((hug))

Original poster

Needanewnamebad · 18/08/2013 23:00

No he's fucked off out after telling me how I've destroyed his life, I'm worthless, I'm a crap mother and a fucking whore

OP posts:

Doha · 18/08/2013 23:06

Report him to the police for assault-that's a start.
Lock the door keep the key in the lock and keep him out tonight,

MadameBlavatsky · 19/08/2013 01:54

He is an abusive twat and he did that to threaten and intimidate you.

Original poster

Needanewnamebad · 19/08/2013 09:13

I can't lock him out because its his house. He didn't come home last night. I've been trying to call and his phone is off so I have no idea where he is.

OP posts:

foolonthehill · 19/08/2013 09:35

don't call him, call the police...

even if you don't end up pressing charges (though you should and I wish I had). Men who do this don't suddenly realise it is bad behaviour and stop...they already know it is wrong and do it anyway.

Him staying away is also a tactic to keep you thinking and worrying about him rather than logically looking at what he has done. He's not lying it a ditch, he's not in hospital, he's not in the gutter he is "PUNISHING" you with the aim that you feel sorry for HIM and the assault get's pushed into the "secrets of our relationship box".

Just because someone is shouting does not mean he gets to smother or strangle them...do NOT excuse his behaviour.

Deal with any issues you have (shouting, anger etc) as a completely separate.

BasilBabyEater · 19/08/2013 10:08

How are you feeling this morning Needanewnamebad?

The fact that it's his house is irrelevant - your safety takes priority over his property rights. Also, call the police and get him taken into custody if you're worried about the technicalities of locking him out.

What everyone else has said is right, you know that already don't you? He is abusive, his violence towards you will escalate. This isn't the first time, last time he did it, he learned that he can do this to you and there will be no consequences, so he did it again. He'll do it every time he wants to shut you up badly enough. Then he'll see what else he can get away with.

If you call Women's Aid helpline (0808 2000 247), you don't have to make any decisions now; but they will tell you what your rights are, what he's likely to do next, what the best thing to do is, etc. - you will know stuff you don't know now and will be able to act with information you don't currently have.

I hope you're all right.

fifi669 · 19/08/2013 10:36

For me just the name calling on its own crosses a line. I remember being in that situation, that ex wouldn't let me leave and feeling so helpless. I can't say whether it will or won't, but it escalated for me. The names and put downs got more frequent as did the shoving and the occasional slap. I told myself as it was only now and again it was ok, I could deal with it. Looking back I wish I'd realised it wasn't normal and that I deserved better.

I'm not going to tell you to LTB or to stay. As others have said I think you need RL advice with this one.

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