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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Really didn't want this to be me.

4 replies

StrawberrytallCAKE · 18/08/2013 16:15

I haven't even bothered with a name change.

I have had a rocky relationship with dh since we have been married. He's never shouted at me, never argues or openly treats me badly. He is moody and grumpy and often makes me feel like I've done something wrong but will never tell me what it is.

After dd1 was born he had an emotional affair with a woman he had slept with previously to us meeting. I didn't know how long this went on until we went on holiday together last week and he told me 2-3 months.

We went out earlier to the park with both dds and were trying to find a certain street, I went to google it on his phone and noticed the history had been deleted. I asked why and he told me to stop being silly, I knew there was something dodgy so I persisted and told him if he didn't tell me I would walk out. He admitted he'd been looking at porn. The thing is yesterday I popped out of the house and when I got back the curtains upstairs were closed and. Thought it was a bit odd. He was looking after our 4yo and 7mo at the time and this was the moment he'd chosen to take himself away and look at porn. So I've left.

He had told me he was going to find a counsellor for his moods and to work on communication, his family are awful and I know have contributed to the way he is. Nothing excuses the porn though, how do we get past that? I don't think it's something I can.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Smerlin · 18/08/2013 16:37

People have different views on porn- I, like you, am totally against it and asked my DH to leave after I found out that he was spending family money on a pricey porn subscription.

After a separation, he came back and promised it would never happen again. Needless to say, the porn usage did (not the subscription).

If you cannot live with him looking at porn, I would say you will end up leaving ( obviously you might want to give him a chance if everything else is good and it's the first time tho!!!)

In my experience, if you are with a porn user, they will believe they are entitled to it and will not stop (maybe just get more secretive). It is a fundamental mismatch of views.

StrawberrytallCAKE · 18/08/2013 16:39

It's more than he left the children downstairs to look at the porn, that is the worst part of it for me right now. I know our sex life hasn't been great since dd2 and although I am very against porn it would be more of an argument that straight walk out if the situation had just been him on his own.

OP posts:
StrawberrytallCAKE · 18/08/2013 16:42

And the lying and trying to make me feel like I'm mental when I knew there was something dodgy going on.

I had an ex who beat me up and cheated on me constantly so it makes me really really upset when he tells me to calm down or that I'm being silly. My fuckwit radar has been on high since that awful relationship so I tend to know when I'm being lied to.

OP posts:
DfanjoUnchained · 18/08/2013 17:02

So sorry Strawberry :( I'm on the dec 2012 antenatal group page but have nc. Sorry to hear you're going through this. Seems he does have a problem with porn if he's doing it while his kids are downstairs playing Angry

Do you think you could forgive and move on of it didn't happen again?

His moods sound horrible and when you said He is moody and grumpy and often makes me feel like I've done something wrong but will never tell me what it is. this is pretty emotionally abusive IMO.

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