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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Ex ALWAYS late, just screamed at me in the park, ugh, what to do?

21 replies

tinselhair · 18/08/2013 12:58

Following on from the other 'ex always late thread', I could do with some advice please.

My ex is ALWAYS late, up to 2 hours, to pick up dd. He excelled himself 3 weeks ago when he was 2 and a half hours late, shouted at me on my doorstep because I called him on it, in front of dd, took dd to visit his relatives with gf, rang me drunk to ask if he could have a sleepover with her there, I'd already asked him to bring her back at 8 pm as we had an early start on the Monday, I said no, reiterated what I'd said earlier. Rang me pissed to say they were in traffic jams (obviously doesn't know you can check this online cameras...needless to say it was a clear road). I was then worried that his gf might be pissed too, driving dd, he wouldn't pick up my phone call, just sent abusive texts to me, finally dropped her off at 10 pm.

I've since sent him a text saying if he's not here within 20 minutes of agreed time, I will be going about my day which may include going out for the day with dd. The first week, he was on time. Today, I got a text saying he'd be here between 10 and 10 30, then one saying he'd missed the train, the usual excuse, then he was stuck in traffic.

We went to the park, 11.15 by this point. He rings, livid, to find out where we are. when I mention that I don't want him drunk in charge of dd again his gf starts going' nahnahnah' on the line, and he joins in.

He storms into the park, starts shouting at me,that I should drop her off. He's livid. Says he has no maintenance money for me this week He's always very hit and miss with that, months will pass without any maintenance. He gets absolutely furious when I mention csa, when I ask him to bring her home at a reasonable time he shouts 'I'l bring her back when I've finished with her, it's my day'.

Just to add I've spent years dropping her off and picking her up, as his attitude is so aggressive I don't see why I should make life easier for him, at my expense, both time and money. (30 mile round trip).

Sorry this is long. Advice needed on picking up late, dropping off late, drunk in charge of her, not paying maintenance regularly, at and having no regard for dd at all in respect of all this.

OP posts:

CiderwithBuda · 18/08/2013 13:00

How old is DD? What is she getting out of all this?

Original poster

tinselhair · 18/08/2013 13:03

She's 8. She does love her Dad and enjoys spending time with him. I don't want to cut contact as they do have a good relationship, hard though it seems to believe, I know.

OP posts:

kinkyfuckery · 18/08/2013 13:05

Firstly, CSA for maintenance.

Secondly, stop contact. Hopefully he will take you to court for access then they will lay out a schedule that should suit you and your DD.

Poor girl

fackinell · 18/08/2013 13:07

I'm not in your situation but my Dsis is (re maintenance.) I would ignore his anger re. CSA and get them to set up a fixed payment plan. It is ridiculous that your DD and you should be out of pocket for weeks at a time. My Dsis's ex now claims he doesn't work or claim benefits so pays nowt.

Why not contact SS re. your fears of drinking etc and ask for supervised contact. If you can get a relative or close friend to do handover too this will minimise the verbal attacks in person at least. Keep a diary of all abusive calls, times, date, what was said and save the texts. You should NOT be under attack. What an arse he sounds.

waddlecakes · 18/08/2013 13:07

Was he like this before your daughter was born?

Original poster

tinselhair · 18/08/2013 13:09

I know, it's horrible for her, she sees all this going on and it must be affecting her in some way, although she's very happy go lucky on the surface. Do you think no contact is too harsh though Kinky? Is it punishing dd for having a twunt for a dad?

OP posts:

ivykaty44 · 18/08/2013 13:11

get on to CSA

ignore his wailing it is lack of control over you

continue to state you will go about your day (but don't go to park where he can find you and turn of phone)

when he has had a few wasted train and stuck in traffic trips - he may either stop altogether or get there on time.

Original poster

tinselhair · 18/08/2013 13:14

He is indeed an arse, He will also claim that he's not working and just work for cash, that's always why it's seemed pointless going down the csa route in the past.

No relatives close by and it seems so intrusive to get friends involved somehow, could maybe consider that though.

Yes he's always been like this, and worse. I was mad to put up with it, but split up when she was a baby and I saw the light, thank god. At least I have dd from that crap relationship.

OP posts:

Elsiequadrille · 18/08/2013 13:21

I would agree with suggestions of involving a third party to organise maintenance, like the CSA.

It might be better to drop contact for now. It sounds stressful for your dc to witness behaviour like that, and you of course. I don't like the sound of the drinking, either. He does sound controlling.

WithConfidence · 18/08/2013 13:27

waddle, what are you talking about? How is that helpful?

If it was me I would send an email, so you have evidence, saying that the aggro, uncertainty and late nights (if she got home at 10pm, when did she get to bed?!) are not in dd's best interests. Arguments between parents at handovers have been shown to be very bad for chidren as they love both parents so feel literally stuck in the middle and can result in psychological problems. So to cut this out you are sticking to 20 mins and off. Plus no phonecalls except in emergency (and him missing his contact is not an emergency) so you will not be answering his calls after 11.20 if pick up is 11am. In addition, any verbal abuse at handover you will have to stop contact (a normal human being shouldn't need to be told not to abuse someone but count this as his warning this has to stop). Plus you will be forced to phone the police (controversial I know but he is taking the piss).

Usually would say public handovers but he clearly has no shame at abusing you in public. Do you have a contact centre nearby? That would mean you don't need to see him and they could witness if he has been drinking.

And yes, csa. You are not together any more, it is not your job to stop him getting angry. And diary of all this crap.

Elsiequadrille · 18/08/2013 13:33

And perhaps to withconfidence's email (agree good idea to have evidence) I'd perhaps add something about your concern over him being drunk in charge of your daughter, so he won't be allowed to take her if he's been drinking.

Original poster

tinselhair · 18/08/2013 14:34

Good idea about sending an email, though it will have to be a long long text as he has no email account that I know of. I feel like stopping contact as of now after his performance this morning. I am seething....I've done nothing wrong, yet I'm being abused by that twunt, my whole day tainted by that areswipe, not to mention how dd must be feeling too.

He doesn't pick her up drunk, but regularly has a few pints when he's with her, he told me,and she feels like she needs to deny they've been in a pub when I've asked her where they've been....it's all so bad. Apparently one of his relatives told him to stop drinking so much as he was in charge of dd but he just got angry and carried on,the other week.

I suppose drinking when in charge of her is enough to stop contact isn't it?

I do have a contact centre nearby , I was thinking of going down that that route a few years ago and he went ballistic.....yes it is all about control, as ever with these types. I think I will mention that too.

If he can't even keep a civil tongue in his head for dd's sake why should we put up with his behaviour?

OP posts:

onefewernow · 18/08/2013 15:55

Yes he is just expressing his frustration that he doesn't control situations anymore. He is late, tight and shouti in the first place because he is irresponsible and immature. But you know that.

I would write him a do colitis letter if you can afford it setting out terms. And after you have taken advice on the drinking issue.

It isn't fair on her to tolerate this, as it stands, so if it all goes tits up you are both still in a better situation.

onefewernow · 18/08/2013 15:55

A solicitors letter!!

knickernicker · 18/08/2013 16:03

I agree. If you can afford it, you need to do solicitor letter. There are grounds for court case. Judge can decide terms then he has to abide by them

kinkyfuckery · 18/08/2013 17:56

You need to keep in mind that if you stop contact because of his behaviours, it is HIM that is stopping contact. You are not telling him he cannot see your DD, just that these are the terms..... if he chooses not to meet them then HE is choosing to stop contact.

for you. It's bloody hard

WithConfidence · 18/08/2013 18:11

Send a normal letter if he has no email, more formal. If you can afford it, give it to a solicitor to type up and send.

The drinking thing is tricky as plenty of parents might have a glass on a Sunday with an older child around (I wouldn't, certainly not if I only saw dc for a few hours a week but you need to make sure you can't be painted as looking for problems). You have to judge if it is endangering her, i.e. if he is driving or so drunk he is being irresponsible. Any chance you can get in touch with the relative who had a word or anyone else who sees them together, to get some proof?

Isetan · 18/08/2013 18:39

You are not responsible for him being a twat and you can not stop him from being a twat but you can, and should, limit your exposure to this twat.

You have communicated being on time as one of your boundaries, now its time to communicate the consequences and then follow through when he oversteps that boundary. After his disgraceful behaviour in the park I would tell him that handovers will take place outside a police station (no explanation or discussion it should be bloody obvious to him why).

Stand up for yourself and demonstrate to your DD that you deserve to be treated with respect and anybody who wilfully disrespects you gets short shrift. The only thing accommodating anybody's poor behaviour achieves is ensuring its continuation.

Oh and what kinkyfuckery said.

Original poster

tinselhair · 19/08/2013 15:37

Thanks for all your advice, it's good to have confirmation that I really don't need to be putting up with this twat and that it is doing dd no good at all.

Apparently they were talking in the car about whether I was going to take him to court or not, re csa I should imagine, in front of dd! It was the first thing she asked me when she got home. Dreadful.

I'm going to write him a letter, outlining all the points withconfidence and everyone else has mentioned. You are quite right Isetan, I don't want dd to see me putting up with this shit and subsequently putting up with it from men herself when she's older.

I would get in touch with his relatives but that'd rally round him, I know from experience, and say they're not responsible for his alcohol input...

I love the idea of meeting outside a police station! If he was that irate about us being in the park and not waiting for him at mine, that would go down a treat!

OP posts:

GilmoursPillow · 19/08/2013 16:29

I would send the letter recorded/registered (whichever one needs to be signed for) so he can't say he didn't receive it.

Jux · 19/08/2013 17:55

Don't forget to keep a copy of it, too!

Write down as much as you can of everything he has done and said. Dates if poss. Keep a diary and make sure that all texts between you are kept.

I would get a new sim, and keep the old one for his use only. That way he can abuse you as much as he likes but you won't even notice until you choose to put the sim in and have a look.

Definitely CSA - you don't have to tell him, just contact them and get the ball rolling.

And yes, drinking while in charge of dd is enough to stop contact. But document it. If he turns up with her drunk again, record him.

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