Going round in circles - dh is a good person but I cant face being with him for the rest of our lives

[metoo22]

I have been reading some of the posts with great interest... and lots of what posters are saying is familiar. Been together 25 years, 3 teenagers, our relationship has been 'polite flatmates' for years. We've never been arguers, we both tend to keep quiet and stew. Which means we haven't dealt with stuff. We had counselling three years ago but it was inconclusive. Things haven't improved.

Dh still loves me (he says, part of me thinks its just that he can't imagine anything else), wants to be close (I don't), is a good if distant dad, lacks drive and is very dependent on me. He's not from this country, came here to be with me and we have got into a pattern of him relying on me. I have lots of friends and interests and a busy FT job. He works PT and does v little in all his time off. We barely do anything together, and I much prefer to go out with a friend, if I do go out (once a week or so, he never goes out)

I really can't face spending another 25 years together, but equally cannot imagine breaking up the family and cant see how he will cope. I think about this constantly but go round and round. I don't think I can face the responsibility of being the 'baddie', but I'm not very nice to him and our life together is sad and dull.

Does this sound familiar to anyone? Any thoughts? I would be grateful.

What's the 'stuff' that you haven't dealt with?

HI Slippery. I mean general stuff, issues around work, money, house work, sex, everything really.

Look at 'Too Good To Leave Too Bad to Stay' by Mira Kirshenbaum. The real trap is the ambivalence. Whatever you decide it will be better than living on the fence.

Be aware that not wanting to be 'the baddie' is a selfish need of self-protection and not compassionate towards your partner. If you frame it like that you can see that getting over your fear of being 'the baddie' will actually be kinder to your OH, thus making you less of a 'baddie' if you see what I mean.

Thanks Tessa. Yes, you are right, I am aware that it's selfish and being reluctant to take responsibility. I feel like I have been responsible for just about everything in our lives, and now can't handle this. I am doing the classic of wishing he would find someone lese (he won't), I suppose so that it would be clear cut. When I am on my own I feel surer that I can't stay with him but when we talk I find it impossible to express how strongly I feel.

Watching as I feel the same :(

Is there an atmosphere in the house? If so is it effecting your children? Perhaps putting them first will help you decide what is best for you all?

Does he have any yearning to go back to his own country? He might actually have an opportunity to work out what he wants if you end this marriage.

Sorry MrsB...
MrsTP : No, he doesn't, although his only close family are there, so it might be a possibility if things do come to a head here. It would be sad for dcs though.
Tottie Of course its not great, and it's certainly not a good example of a relationship in that we communicate v little and do v little together, but we are quite polite/considerate of each other. It's weird but I suppose its what they are used to. This is one thing I find it v hard to decide - better to upset them with a shocking big change or let them continue in a less than satisfactory atmosphere?
Thanks everyone for responding. I am going away for a couple of days and may or may not be able to visit MN. I really appreciate your help, will be back Thursday.

FWiw I grew up in the sort of household you're describing for the most part, and I ended up in a very similar relationship, one in which things go wrong in a cool, polite, distant way. It provided my model of a relationship and I have no idea how to resolve conflict, raise things which are bothering me and find anger a terrifying emotion. It has affected my view of love and partnership and I really wish I had a model which saw partners as close friends, buddied, romantic and / or sexual in order to help me fall for someone who gave me that and who I could give that to.

Watching because I have some affinity with the original post, but for the opposite reasons. TBH polite civility and functioning coolness sounds lovely. My DH and I are volatile, outspoken, demanding, and (formerly physically, now just emotionally) passionate; tess, we both modelled our own parents to a certain degree too. Equally difficult to decide whether we should stay or go - which would be better for our DD? To grow up amongst our married love, but with frequent conflict, or go our separate ways? OP, I can only offer my commiserations and hope we both find the right path for our children.

Tessa me too. My parents separated when I was in my early 20s, and had lived like this for years. My Mum was angry, simmerig, resentful, they never argued, but did little together. I presume they didn't have sex and my dad had an affair. He is still happily with the same person 20 odd years on and they have a great relationship. I explored this a bit with the counsellor. I do fear for my own dcs but which would be worse for them, this situation or a divorce/separation?
Ali good luck, it's the same thing in a way isn't it? I sometimes think I wish we argued, at least we would get things out and it would indicate some passion or care, but actually I have a real inability to deal with conflict.

Tessa thanks so much for the book recommendation. I have read it and lots of the questions hit relevant spots. I suppose its the idea that no one necessarily has to be to blame that I struggle with. I read other threads on MN and think, well he sounds terrible of course you have to leave him, but life with my h is dull, irritating, and I don't love him any more (although will always care about him) but he's an OK person. I mean he's a bit lazy, introverted, lacking in oomph and imagination, etc etc, and basically the love has gone (on my side anyway) yet the sense of responsibility for him and guilt, remain. I think we have gone on too long to get anything back.

I think the book is suggesting that in a situation like mine people are better to leave. I can believe it, but feel it would be better for me but probably worse for h and dcs.

Lots of food for thought there though, and I have signed up to see a therapist on my own so will keep working things out in my mind. Thanks again.