how do we stay together when we want different things?

[paperclipsarebetterthanstaples]

When DP and i first got together 5 years ago neither of us were bothered about marriage - fastforward to now though and since having DS my views have completely changed. I stupidly agreed for him to have DPs surname as i honestly didn't see an issue with it but in reality it's driving me mad.

I hate that they have the same name and i feel like an outsider. I don't want to change my name by deedpoll as i really don't feel that it would fix things. I want us to be married - i want us to be official.

DP stands by his opinion that its a waste of time and money (i don't want a flash day - i just want us to be married) and says he's not unreasonable because i knew this when we started out. Completely true and i accept that its me that's moving the boundaries but i've changed my mind.

Little things are starting to really upset me - people celebrating getting married / anniversaries etc. I hate that cards etc come addressed on the front to 'first name and first name' because people don't know what else to use. I hate having to give my name and DS name (local sure start sign in, docs, play places...) because they're different and i hate that.

DH argues that half the population are unmarried and have kids but how do we work it when he wants to live like 1 half and i want to live like the other half?

The short answer is that ultimately you either compromise or separate.

I don't blame you for wanting to be married. There's nothing wrong with that and your DP should be able to understand why you want it. However, if he won't, for whatever reason, you are going to have to decide whether this is a deal breaker for you.

I was in your position 20 years ago. I thought my DP would marry me after our baby was born. He refused and kept on refusing for a variety of groundless reasons - starting with the fact that I had been married before - and ultimately it was a deal breaker for me. Then he offered to marry me, but I refused, knowing he was only doing it to try to keep me, and left him anyway.

We're all different, but if he doesn't want to get married there is nothing you can do about it - you just have to decide how much it matters to you.

I wonder if you very cleverly said it's a deal breaker and moved out if he would come after you when he realises what he could lose.

Although I say this I don't think I could marry someone I had to coerce into it though as I would always feel he'd leg it out the door first chance he got. If he doesn't want to give you that security and legal standing then he probably isn't the one for you, it's not just a piece of paper it's security if he dies ect ect.

I'm married, and never changed my name and DCs have DH's surname. So I've never matched them, it doesn't bother me ad is rarely/never inconvenient.

I'm saying that because wanting to be married and wanting matching names aren't the same thing.

Wanting to be married is a perfectly normal, respectable thing and it does bring a better legal footing (whether you split or whether it goes unto death). Do you know the strength of DP's current objections, and if there is any particular reason? Have you got wills/property/pensions etc sorted out?

I agree I never took his surname, the kids have it though its pretty common these days.
What marriage does give you is legal protection.
Does he want another child ? If so I'd be saying marriage first then another baby as you simply couldn't expose you and DS to such risk as to be left alone without the legal protection marriage offers - talk around him dying, next of kin that sort of thing rather than him buggering off.
We all know what you mean but you don't have to spell it out to him.

Hmmm. I'm not sure marriage always give women legal protection. Sometimes it gives the man protection.

When we nearly split up 2 years ago I really regretted marriage. I had brought a house to the relationship and had always earned far more, until very recently ie just prior to the near split.

He didn't help with the kids and undermined me heaps, and bought them off a great deal with things they wanted, whilst providing no support, boundaries or structure.

Had we split a solicitor told me it was actually possible they could choose him, and I would lose the house, whilst he kept his now larger than mine income.

So be careful!

And that was just before he finally admitted his long term Internet sex addiction. So I had nothing at all to bargain against.

The marriage issue, is in my opinion, irrelevant. There are advantages and disadvantages. The problem is that you can't discuss a difference of opinion and come up with a mutually agreeable compromise. Good luck working on that one.

Thanks for the input - it's helping to order my thoughts. I know that lots of women marry and keep their name and that it works for them - that's great but its just not what i want. I grew up in a traditional family, we all had the same name and that's what i want. Fwiw DP grew up in the same type of family. His brothers are both married so when we're all together (which is quite often, we get on well) there are 11 people with the family name , including DS. And me. Its not just the name though, i don't want to be 'partner' or worse, 'girlfr' forever.

I really don't think that this is ever going to go away. I don't want it to be a deal breaker, i love him. But it's festering. Nor do i want him to give in and just marry me to shut me up. I just don't know where to go with this.

*girlfriend

Update for anyone who wants to read (or somewhere for me to clear out my head if not)

We've rowed - he doesn't understand why it's such a big deal to me. He's not been nasty or anything, just genuinely doesn't get it. He doesn't really 'do' feelings and sees things very much in black and white.

He's repeated that he doesn't want to get married, doesn't see the point and that it wouldn't mean anything BUT says he'll 'offer to get married as a compromise' rather than change DS' name to mine.

He thinks that I'm unreasonable to not accept his offer and that I'm being awkward and making it a big issue when it's just a name. I don't want to marry someone who doesn't want to marry me - so many marriages fail, what hope would ours have really?

I'm sleeping in DS' room - I'm gutted, i love him and i know that in his own way he loves me too but it's like he physically can't do feelings and/ emotion.

I don't know why I'm writing this - public forums don't sit well with him and he'd be gutted if he knew i was telling strangers this.

Hi paperclips, I know exactly how you feel. My DP and I were both married before. I told myself i didn't want to get married again and I felt sorry for him that he had had to pay his exw a HUGE amount of money on divorce. I told myself that marriage was irrelevant etc etc. But, I ached for him to ask me. Eventually I asked him if he ever would. He said YES! I was ecstatic. He also agreed to another baby (we had DD and he had 1DS from marriage). I accept we had been drinking during this conversation. The next day I wanted to talk about the decisions we had made. He didn't. We never did. We are split now but I am still devastated by the false promises. I stayed long after, in the hope that my dreams would come true. They didn't. Maybe at least your DP is being honest. ((Hugs))

It seems to me like maybe something is being left unsaid here. When you talked about it, and he says he doesn't understand why it is such a big deal, what did you say the reason was?
Is it really that cards come addressed to X and Y, rather than Mr. and Mrs. or about not having the same name, or is more fundamental. Perhaps do you doubt his commitment to you and want a bit more of an official commitment. I just wondered if you were able to say, I want us to be together and committed to each other and that's why I want us to be married. Is that how you feel and if so has it been said out loud?

The point is, he doesn't want to get married. Forcing him into it won't change anything, if anything it will fuel resentment.
Do you want to get married because you love him so dearly and you can't imagine ever being apart? It doesn't sound like it.
You've changed your mind, but he hasn't. Stop arguing, and decide why you want to marry him. If it's because of the names (I doubt that's the real reason) then change your son's name. If it's because you want a commitment, discuss what your current levels of commitment are and what would change.