My husband has just walked out

[MrsWattingerLovesMrPontypine]

I've namechanged as I don't want this associated with my usual name, just in case there's any chance if it getting fixed at all :(

DH has just walked out. Well, I say walked out, it took some convincing to get him to actually leave as he wanted to stay with the kids. Not sire if he's gone for an hour to cool off or if he's ever going to come back.

We've been rowing loads as he's been struggling with basically being my carer and our sex life being non-existant (the sex thing isnt related to the disability exactly, have just had one issue after another, plus the illness on top of it, and two toddlers, leading to it happening very infrequently).

He's just returned to work having been signed off with depression (please dont out me in thread if this is familiar) and my health has been much worse recently. He says I treat him like a slave and cope fine when hes not here. Looking after the kids when he's not here makes me feel worse afterwards, but he just wont listen to this.

I basically said I'm sick of arguing, this is how our relationship is right now (what relationship, he says...) it may get better in the future, or it might even get worse. He either deals with it, or our marriage has to end.

He says I am being lazy. He just doesnt get it, I'm ill. I hate being ill, I feel useless enough eithout being told I'm just lazy :(

So it took a lot of effort to get him to leave...so surely you're thinking this is a good thing?

Should I? I don't know, I don't want this to be the end, he's brilliant with me and the kids, he gets up with them every morning when hes not in work, does all the cooking and most of the cleaning when hes home. I know it must be hard to look after someone who used to be your equal, but I still want him to want to do it.

Do you want him to return?

How is he your carer if he works. He must be knackered.

Those were things he did for this kids and the household though. What about the things he did for you, personally?

Sounds like you are both pushed to the limit. Can u get any other help in?

He is knackered, but I am trying to deal with that as best as I can, I have gotten easy food for us so I can do it/it takes him less time if he does it, am looking into getting help elsewhere, and have passed details for the local carer group to him but he hasnt actually done anything about it himself. He says I am playing illness top trumps and putting mine above his depression and work tiredness.

He does more than his half of household stuff, so I'd count that as for me, wouldnt you? When I say he gets up with them, I mean alone, leaving me in bed. He rubs my feet or back for me, runs me baths, he really is a nice guy, I know most women in relationships threads say that though.

He has had a drink problem before, it was dealt with, but is sneaking back in. Not a huge drinker, but has a sneaky one when he's had a bad day.

I caught him hiding upstairs with a can, that was what started it today, he says he needs a way to deal with me, this is apparently "what I drive him to." He carries on for ages, being brilliant and ignoring his anger at me being ill, then it all bursts out in one go :(

Ps, no need to say I am not responsible for his alcohol problems or depression, I know that :)

Do you have any family nearby or friends?

Yes, both

This sounds like a really tough situation for you both.

I think it takes a very strong person to cope with having to become their spouses career. I don't think I could do it.

He obviously loves you but dislikes what his life has become and his MH is suffering as a result.

If he decides that this is it and he's leaving then the issue is the children - you say he was hesitant to go because of them, do you think he would prefer to have them with him? And if so, what do you think about that?

He doesnt think I should have them if we split, but then even before I was ill he said that he would want them if we divorced. He was brought up by a single dad, so think that has a lot to do with that. And thats before I even mention that I, by some ridiculous fluke, have practically the same illness his mum has, which must also be having a huge influence on his not coping.q

The sex thing btw is ridiculous. I want a good sex life, but since the last time we argued about it, I've been bleeding three weeks out of four (mini pill problem, have an appt for coil fitting this week), and now I have got effing external piles!
On top of his shift work, the kids, my illness and his depression!

I really am trying, just having a stupid run of bad luck :(
But he views it as me not even trying

I think that until/unless you are this ill yourself it imust be very hard to understand and to just think the other person just needs to 'man up' and get on with it.

At one stage it was all I could do to run a sink of water, sit a while, wash a few dishes, sit a while, wash a few more - it could easily take 2 hrs to do a 5 minute job and I'd be wiped out.

I had to have my hair washed for me - I couldn't hold my arms up long enough.

You do what you absolutely have to do (fortunately I didn't have children at the time) but it takes everything out of you.

It must be very hard when you are ill and he has depression.

He is saying some really nasty things and is being hugely unfair, but he has depression and is struggling too - so really needs you to cut him some slack too.

If you were to split up - how would you cope with the kids on your own and how would he cope working full time - surely some kind of shared care would be the answer anyway.

However, you probably just both need to calm down, talk and try to keep supporting each other through it.

Good luck!

Respite. He sounds as if he needs respite - desperately.

Just like it's hard to imagine what being ill is like when you are well, it is hard to imagine how grindingly depressing it is being a carer. I have been caring for my DH for the past 3 years without a break and I'm just not a natural carer. Being a mother never had this depressing element for me but this really gets me down. I just know what he means about 'top trumps illness'.

Please cut him some slack and see if he can get some respite.

Honu, thats precisely why I gave him the details of the carers group, I want him to talk to other people who are in similar situations. They might have some ideas to help, or failing that, at least its someone to moan to who understands.
Re respite, I think I'll see if my mum wants us to stay for a few days this week.

I'm hoping I'll be able to show him this thread, maybe we'll both be a bit more understanding of each other then. That is, if he does want to try to fix thngs.

One of the problems at the moment though is that he wants say, one lie in a week. Which of course I agree is more than fair, but I don't want to promise it in "negotiations", just to go back on my word when I have a rough week.

IMHO carers groups are mostly peopled by carers for people with dementia which, while I have every sympathy for these carers, just isn't in the same ball park.

What you both need most is practical help. I don't have children to deal with but there are lots of supportive organisations about - homestart, priority places at nursery - others should be able to help you more than I can. I have just recently started having a carer in for an hour once a week to help my DH shower and wash his hair - it is just so lovely to go out for a couple of hours and come back to find him clean and dressed.

Really it is for you to go out and get the help you need so your DH is not so stressed. Show him that you are helping with this rather than leaning so hard on him. WRT say negotiations on one lie in a week, why don't you agree to two lie-ins but that on the weeks when you are really ill then he has to do them all?

You have to realise that if your DH cracks the whole house of cards falls down. Please help him.

I know what you are going through

Really..him leaving is not the answer.

Respite.and working through things together is.

DH and I would be in same situation probably if we didn't get chance to spend child free time together sometimes and have time to ourselves.

I am not sure what answer is but I just don't think it sounds like splitting up is answer to your problems, you are both under pressure.

I agree about carers' groups being populated mainly by carers of those with dementia but I still think it's important he goes - otherwise we 'invisible carers' will never get more visible, if you see what I mean. There may be someone there who is much more in his situation and hoping someone else will come along. He might also want to see if he could get some e-mentoring through the scheme TimeBank are running at the moment. There is also the Carers UK Forum. Have a look at their help pages too.

However - what stands out for me is the self-justifying nature of his current behaviour. I'm sorry, I don't believe his alcohol problem was 'dealt with' last time, and I think he's on the downward spiral where he wants to find reasons to drink. I also have a longstanding alcohol problem but it was the stresses of caring + a fulltime job which pushed me over the edge until I was extremely ill. I'm sober now and fully accept that it was my choice to drink to excess, and that I need to find better ways of dealing with the stress (which is, btw, a lot easier to do when not drinking anyway - this so-called stress reliever is the exact bloody opposite!).

I agree with Honu - you need to show you are willing to look at options for help rather than just rely on him. You may not qualify for any but there are far too many carers who are trapped by the refusal of their caree to let someone external come into the house to help out.

With regard to his lie-in, I get it, I really do. But it's not reasonable to ask you to commit to that. He must choose something which you are physically capable of achieving regularly - maybe taking the dc out to the park in the afternoon so he can have an hour in the house on his own? I know this is a luxury for me.

Depression is extremely common in carers and needs to be addressed as such. He needs more help - and so do you. Nothing justifies his use of alcohol in the circumstances, and it will not help.