How to deal with people who play the blame game?

[Bogeyface]

It seems like some people are never ever to blame for anything they do wrong, or mistakes they make no matter how trivial.

Like say a glass is broken during washing up "You/he/she put it in the wrong place". It was an accident, these things happen so why not just accept that and move on? Or they forget their coat/phone/keys "you/he/she/aliens/fairies moved them" or "the neighbours dog barked and distracted me". You forgot them, its annoying, move on. But say that and you will get a full on lecture about how what happened couldnt possibly be their fault. Its like they cant deal with the concept of being wrong in anyway.

I dont know how to deal with it! Just had a row because H said it was my fault that he forgot his cash card as I handed it to him when he was getting his coat on and he put it down. How is that my fault? He is like this about everything, not with me necessarily, but anyone who he can pin the blame on but himself. My mother is same, and my sister to a lesser extent. My friend and her husband are both like this too, I seem to be surrounded by them!

I get so fucking frustrated because if I say "Well actually it wasnt my fault, you put it down, you forgot to pick it up" they will argue and argue until they have proved to their own satisfaction that it couldnt possibly be their fault. I dont apportion blame about accidental or minor things, whats the point? Shit happens. But I end up playing these stupid blame games either a) because I am being blamed or b) something/one else is being blamed and I find it almost impossible to not point out the true facts of the situation as this sort of thing really annoys me!

Should I just ignore it or are there any sure fire ways of dealing with people like this?

I would simply reply " grow up you overgrown toddler" accompanied with scathing expression. It works well

Oddly enough though, the only thing that H has ever totally owned is his affair. That was the only situation where he said "I did that, I was wrong". If I am honest, I would have expected more blaming of me or OW or work or the kids or whatever he could think of to excuse it.

The friend I mentioned above also had an affair many years ago, and she owns that too, despite the fact that she will blame her DH for absolutely everything else that is wrong or happens in her life.

I would say (dripping with false sincerity*) "yes, dear, if it helps you to think that" or "yes, of course" (in neutral), then move onto something else. My theory (totally unproven) is that if no fuss is made about the blaming, no argument given, but equally no contrition shown, it'll soon get boring and they'll stop. Fucking irritating, though.

• and condescension

I prefer 'if it helps you to think that' - I suspect they won't hear the sarcasm in 'yes dear' and will simply think you are agreeing with them !

Oh God, I remember my Dad, who was usually lovely, blaming us on a French holiday because he took a wrong turn.

"But Daddy, we told you left. You went right!"
"Yes, but you should know that I mix up my right and left and that I would go right if you told me left"

You can make anything into someone else's fault if you try hard enough!

I was just discussing this with my friend five minutes ago. Must be an epidemic!

We decided it would be fun to hide the odd thing now and again, then when the DH blames you you just laugh and say 'well it's always my fault isn't it?'

Could be fun.

Your first mistake is actually engaging in this sort of dialogue. It shouldn't even be up for discussion, there should be no ''Well no actually, I...''.

Next time he pulls that, simply put up your hand and say: 'I'm not interested. Please learn to deal with your shit.'' And then carry on what you were doing.

I would be tempted to try sarcasm sometimes, though it would probably make things worse. ;)

waddlecakes' approach is the best really. First, not to be drawn into a reasoned argument: because it's not about reason, it's about your H being irritated and unable to handle making a mistake. So he's trying to dump his emotions on you.

Secondly, reject what is said briefly and factually. No, you put it there of your own volition or whatever: repeat once; then remain silent.

Behaviour like this is very deeply ingrained, so nothing is sure-fire.

Ohhh there is nothing worse than this! People who will twist any mistake they have made, no matter how slight, into being the fault of someone else - often their poor put upon spouse. It is fucking rude, disrespectful and self serving in the extreme.

My dh used to do this. His capacity for turning things around so that anything that went wrong would somehow be my fault, was actually bordering on the genius! He was so inventive! It really fucking pissed me off.

After a brief split some years ago, he doesn't do it any more. His not doing so was a condition of us staying together. He hasn't gone back on his word, but I still remember how it felt. SO unfair, SO infuriating, SO damn selfish!

I agree with wordybird - refuse to own it.
"No - YOU put the card down and then forgot to pick it up again. It has nothing to do with me."

Then radio silence.

Fuck that shit.

I use wordybird's strategy on my DH when he starts this (if I don't manage to ignore it). He doesn't go on as much as it sounds like your DH does, but he will always blame me/something I've done if he's forgotten something. I don't understand why he can't just say, "Damn, i forgot xxx," but it's always, "You made me forget xxx." Yes, I forcibly made you forget this thing I didn't even know you wanted to take . I mostly tune it out now, life's too short and he's wonderful otherwise luckily for him

I would be embarrassed to behave like this! I would feel like a total prick making someone else carry the can for my mistakes, as though my shit smells of lavendar, and I'm above being wrong.
I don't know how they can do it! Tis disgusting behaviour!

Actually, I've just realised I mutter, "Yes, yes, it's all my fault," as I've just been blamed for the fact he can't find an email in his inbox

My former boss did this all the time. Nothing was ever her fault; blame could always be apportioned to me or my other colleagues, the management, her parents, the weather, mercury being in retrograde (my arse), you name it.

I recall her once telling me that her dad had never taken responsibility for anything in his life. I wanted to say "So! Like father, like daughter then!" but she just wouldn't have got it.

My ex was also like this. It got terribly boring, being blamed for things that happened before we'd even met (he was a bitter fucker, and took his lingering resentment out on me). One wonders if he'd ever made a decision in his life, because getting other people to make them for him meant he could blame that person if things went wrong. Eg his wife got pregnant "to trap him" - erm, a) takes two to tango and b) she's your wife, you went into it willingly, you imbecile.

I do find it hard not to engage as the basic unfairness of it really grates. I do often do the sarcastic "Yes, I deliberately did X so that you would do Y, of course it is my fault" but that never actually defuses it. I do wonder if it is a self esteem connected thing. He does have issues in that area that he conceals with his behaviour, people think he uber confident etc when he has massive self doubt. I think that any admission of fault on his part really affects his shaky self confidence.

I have said that I think far more of people who own their actions than those who dont, and that admitting a mistake means you are likely to learn from it and not do it again but he doesnt see it, because nothing is his fault....arrrrgggh!!!

Bogey face do not get into why he does it!! Just don't.

I spent too long in my relationship looking into why my H was such a prat in the past. It stopped me from thinking enough about what I would not tolerate and how to go about not tolerating it.

When you think about it, nobody outside the home gives a damn about his why, and he wouldn't treat them like that.

He does it because he can. Waddle cakes has it.

If, like me, you have chosen to stay with a cheater you have a pike of shit to wade through to unpick those behaviours. Do it with gusto!

Pile

one he is in therapy at the moment, so we will see how that goes. Not with him exactly but not exactly split up either iykwim!

I have decided to go with a cynical eyebrow raise now. I do it with the kids when they are being ridiculous so I think I will try it with him!

It's actually abusive. There's a whole big section on it in "why does he do that" by Lundy. It's a series of unfair and untruthful accusations and its just a way of them off loading their temper and frustration onto you, which I think we can all agree is abusive.

Yes I agree he is abusive, he is Lundy's 'Mr Right'. My STBXH was the same except he also blamed me for him cheating. Now I am divorcing him and thankful every day to be free from his shit.

What sparkly says is right. 100%!

My mother has done this for the last 79 years. My solution is distance.

bogeyface I've been reading your posts about your H for a long time now. I know you don't really start that many threads about him but you mention him in other posts and I want to tell I think you sound so lovely and supportive. You throw yourself into offering support to others on here and I think it's time you started using some of that for yourself. I think your H sounds like a selfish, angry abusive man and you should take his affair for what it could be - an escape route. I think you will regret wasting all this time on him. He does not deserve it or you.