Feeling insecure about letting son go to ILs without me

[MrsOgg]

My son is just over 1 year old. I always had a really good relationship with my ILs until he was born and then they started finding fault with me - son was bf and they didn't like that I would take him back off them to feed him, and asked me to leave him to cry because my SIL got upset when I took him back. I actually did try to do this for a while but I couldn't bear it for long when he was tiny, by the time he was bigger and could have been distracted easily I'd decided it was a terrible idea anyway.

They accused me of being territorial about him - and I really thought I wasn't, I would happily hand him round everyone, but when he cried for milk I would politely ask for him back. Then they started being funny with me, making funny comments about my family spending too much time with the baby - when my family live a way away and only came to visit every so often, but we specifically moved to be near my ILs and they refused to spend time with me and the baby during the week! My son is being raised very differently to the way my ILs raised my husband, they were very routine-based and we went the bf, co-sleeping, baby-led weaning kind of route. I would never dream of suggesting that our way was better, just that it suited us better, but I think MIL saw our choices as being an attack on her, and was always trying to get us to change things (i.e., give a bottle, give a dummy, give him baby rice at 6 weeks etc). I was EXTREMELY polite about refusing to do these things, even though I personally think eg giving baby rice at 6 weeks is crazy.

The worst thing was that I found the first few months of his life quite difficult emotionally, and would have been really grateful if ILs had spent time with me during the week when DH was at work, and they did a few times in the beginning and then refused. They are both retired, and when DH would ask if they would come over for an hour as a special favour for me, just to spend time, not to mop the floors or anything! - they would say things like Ooh, we're busy this week we've got to go to the opticians. After a few months I got tired of begging them to come over (or offering to come to theirs) and being fobbed off so I decided to grow some dignity and stop asking.

I feel very awkward with them now. I feel like they make little digs at me quite a lot, but it's possible I'm being over-sensitive. They sometimes really really dote on my son and he enjoys spending time with them, DH has taken the baby over there a few times for the day and although it's been a relief not to go and feel unwanted/ignored, I feel weird about the fact that they're all off playing happy families and being delighted that I'm not there. It will be weird for my son when he starts noticing, won't it?

I suspect that my judgement is very clouded on this. I want to do the best thing for my son, which in one way would be obviously to encourage a relationship with doting grandparents. On the other hand, I remember my paternal grandma, who I loved and adored, took to slagging off my mother to me when I was a child and it completely destroyed my relationship with her (grandma), and I still haven't really forgiven her for it - me and my sister used to sob fgs! And how doting are they if they refuse to see him with me and want me to leave him to cry with hunger at 1 month old just because SIL didn't want me to take him off her? (btw, as soon as I'd fed him I went over and offered him back to her for cuddles, and she sniffed and refused).

So the options seem to be:

a) encourage his relationship with them by spending time with them myself - downside is I feel very uncomfortable, and could get something useful done at home in that time, also I'm pretty sure they'd much rather I wasn't there;

b) encourage his relationship with them by staying at home and sending my DH off to theirs with him - downside is I fret at home feeling left out and weird about it;

c) alternate a and b and feel conflicted about what is best for DS. That is what I'm doing at the moment.

DH's take is 'that's just the way they are' and encourages me to stay at home so he can take DS on his own. This makes me feel weird and awkward and a bit paranoid that they might say mean things about me to my son when he's older. This is not total paranoia, as they said negative things about me to my own mum the day he was born!

Also it means they chill in the garden all day and I'm at home and end up cleaning out the garage etc because it feels ridiculous to relax when I've got spare time and stuff needs doing! That's probably my problem though.

Sorry for the essay, didn't want to dripfeed. Any useful thoughts?

I would go for a - if they want a relationship they can't airbrush you out. Your DC will find it odd as he gets older- you are all his family.

I'd go with a as well, but maybe take up knitting or something so you've got a reason to sit to one side of you need space?

I do take my knitting! Ok. I feel better knowing I've got a plan.

Knitting is a great idea- always are something to do.

Sorry - should read always take something to do. Knitting is ideal- it is sociable but you can ignore them if necessary.

Go with a - you're far more patient than me though. SIL wouldn't be anywhere near my baby if she got upset about me feeding him. She sounds pathetic.

DH's family must respect that you know what's right for your baby, and that you won't disappear off somewhere to make things easier for them. I would expect DH to support you in this.

hhmmm To be honest, if I was not wanted for whatever reason, then they would not get to spend time alone with my son. I don't give a flying fuck about all this 'oh he is your DP's son too'! (I thought my MIL was bad).

As said, this is your child, so your decision on this and yes, your DH should be supporting you.

I wish you good luck.

The ILs need to know you come as a package and DH should make it plain.

The thing is though, every time I suggest DH and DS spend a couple of hours together at the park or whatever so I can do something thrilling like clean the windows or hoover under the beds, he suggests he takes DS off to his parents.

I could just get DH to hoover under the beds while I spend time with DS, but tbh I spend all week with DS and don't mind a bit of time without him, and I think it's good for the two of them to get some one-to-one time- they both seem to enjoy it when it does happen! DH is great with him.

Not sure I can actually say to DH that I don't want them seeing his parents without me.

I would say it to him.

You don't think I'd come off as really controlling? His mom is (imo) quite controlling and I don't want to turn into her!

Be honest with him & explain just that - I would. He's your DH so you should be able to be open with him, even if he doesn't want to hear it. You have a right to be treated properly, not like a second class citizen.

Thank you so much everyone for posting, it's so nice to be able to chat this over, it's been going round and round in my head for ages now.

I think it is important to nip it in the bud from the start- I can't see why they should all get to play 'happy families' and pretend you don't exist!

I wouldn't want to have doting GPs who disliked my mum. (am just thinking ahead say 5 years and looking at it from DS's point of view).

They sound horrid.

Sending DS to people who are horrible to you seems crazy.

You are going to have to man up MrsOgg. Point out to DH that you are a happy little family, having to stay at home to suit his DPs is just not going to happen any more.

In the future will they want to have DS for holidays, so that you are left alone for weeks at a time?
And stop cleaning the garage. DCs are only little for a few years, there are decades ahead for keeping a tidy house. Treat yourself instead.

Mrs O

What JustinB's Mum wrote earlier.

No you are not being over sensitive at all; his parents sound toxic to be honest with you as well as self absorbed.

Not altogether surprised that your own relationship with these people deteriorated after your son was born; this often happens.

It is NOT your fault they are like this. You are the scapegoat for their inherent ills.

It will do your child no favours at all for him to be spending time with such people so neither a or b is good. Your DH is also part of the problem here as well as his parents; he is both unwilling and unable to stand up to them. He is still tacitly seeking their approval; approval they will never give btw. He also needs to realise that his primary loyalty is and should be to you his wife and son, not his parents. Taking his son around to see them without you is basically what they want and is playing into their hands.

I would say to you that if they are too difficult for you to deal with, they are certainly too difficult for your vulnerable and defenceless son to be around. Not all grandparents are kind and loving and to send a child to his GPs when said GPs hate his mother sounds barking frankly. It sends a harmful message to the child. You are all equal and to allow yourself to become a second class citizen is a huge error on your part. Its either that you all go around there (perish the thought) or preferably none of you go. I would think your DH will still feel obliged to see his parents regardless but you and your son certainly do not have to.

I know you are torn and want to do the "right thing". You likely as well come from an emotionally healthy family yourself where such displays of power and control (you write yourself MIL is controlling and you are likely correct) are unknown. However, when it comes to such dysfunctional families like your H's parents, the normal rules with regards to familial relations go out the window. So you need to lay down the law here and have firm boundaries with regards as to what is and is not acceptable.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they?re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents? (and society?s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children?s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different ? instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.
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More Here: lightshouse.org/lights-blog/toxic-bad-abusive-grandparents#ixzz2cD7Em9FY

I would suggest too that you read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward as this could help you as well.

Another vote for option (d) nip it in the bud. My own mother tried option (a) for years and then defaulted to (b) when the attacks became unbearable. For us kids it was horrible - we wanted to be at home with our mum. I went "no contact" as soon as I was old enough, although I didn't know it was called that.

Obviously, this is a very personal response, so please take it in that context.

I'm not sure what you can do about your partner including them in all of his time with the child though. I think the non-main carer parent does this because they need the help in looking after the child.

Actually, this thread is bringing back a lot of memories for me and making me remember just how complicated it can all be with so many different relationships and agendas in play.

It's not easy. Wishing you all the best.

Wow, I didn't think everyone would agree that they're so mean, I thought I'd get told off for MIL bashing! This has been an eye opener for me, thanks everyone.

Other posters have given really good advice and from my perspective I would be wondering how much time DH actually spends on his own with DS as from my experience my DH used to hand off his responsibility for DC1 to MIL as he hadn't dealt on his own very much and it was easier than doing it himself. However when I realised that it got nipped in the bud. Helps that my PILs live a good distance away though. May not be so simple if they're close by.

I am the first to stand up for MIL-but not when they want to pretend that some members of the family don't exist!

I was in a similar situation years ago and if my ILs had played nice they would have seen a lot more of their GC than they did.

They would turn up at my house and say they had come to take DS out, no asking and no warning. DH and I were very young, but capable, parents and I think MIL and SIL thought I would be a push over-they were very wrong. However, I found out years later that SIL told loads of people that she had mostly brought DC up as we didn't have a clue. DH soon put the record straight and she was totally on my side over the years.

My advice is to show them exactly who his mother is and don't ever leave your son with people who don't respect his mum.

I think that Jelly15 has the key:
'Don't ever leave your child with people who don't respect the mother.'