Trying to get my head round MILs dislike!

[Weegiemum]

I've been with dh since I was 19, we married at 24. Mil cried (not with happiness) at our engagement, she's never really liked me. I'm the wanton scottish woman who stopped her lovely Belfast boy from going home (really, he never planned to go back).

Now we've dealt with stuff for over 20 years. Been married 18+. But recently, as dc get older and really don't want to spend a week with her in the summer (she really favours the Gc that bil had, they live round the corner, she does 3 afternoons a week with them).

We visited in June and she was pretty off with me, not sure why (might be I didn't like her cooking? I never eat veal, she cooked it twice in 4 days and she really knows this!).

She's only called about 3 times since then, always to dh when he's on-call.

I know I'm not the favourite, I'm never going to be. But we've 3 lovely dc, and I can't figure out why things have gone weird since June, unless its because the dc didn't want a week with her this summer (they're 13,11,9).

Nt sure if I should call her?

Bump.

Give it up! She's painful and even the kids don't want to spend time with her.

The veal thing is just crap! Deliberate too, :(

I'd love to. Dh knows and understands - but it's his mum. Hard because I've no contact with my mm.

He somehow has to stand up for you, if he doesn't already) and tell her that her treatment of you will have consequences.

It doesn't matter if she's the only other human being on the planet, you've a right to be treated with respect!

Oh he's stood up for me. Mil thinks its a joke!

He needs broken record, insisting on apologising, and if you're served veal again, you all get up and go OUT to eat somewhere.

Time to up his game. She's playing chicken with him, and thinks she'll take him.

Personally I would call her and ask her if there is anything wrong, but that's only because I hate any kind of row or ill feeling. I don't think it's necessary a positive thing - sometimes people are better left alone especially when they treat you like rubbish - but I couldn't just leave it without knowing what was wrong.

She spoke to dh last night - admitted she's "never liked me much" and that I'm "irritable" and "won't engage with the family" (read - I really am not up for an different obscure relative visiting every month!! After 18 years of marriage! Not as if dh wants it either.)

The issue is I don't live close. I don't want to, neither does dh, and neither do our dc.

Not sure how to proceed. Think ill let dh do it.

BIL's nearby and that is probably where she wanted DH and she blames you for that not being the case.

She has GCs and family nearby who, with 3 visits a week, she is close to.

You are maybe trying to find what you think should be there, a caring GM, but not going to get it. In fact would she have time for you if you did live there.

I think I would give up on her. She'll probably get worse with age.

Let DH deal with her. Do not call her.

Your children do not want anything to do with their toxic grandmother and rightly so. She has scapegoated you and your children throughout your marriage.

It is not your fault she is like this; her own birth family unleashed all that emotional dysfunction on her during her own childhood.

Attila - sounds like you might have read previous stuff about my mil.

But your assessment is right!

Omg she's already called today (ds answered), asked to speak to dh and told him yes got to "pull me into line" and that no man should be "dictated to" by his wife.

Even though she divorced fil because he grid "telling her what to do".

Clearly she wants her son to be a wuss.

He was 100% ace - told her to only call back when she was prepared to support our relationship!

I may well have done but also I write from my own experiences of toxic and dysfunctional relations. Sadly my own take on her was correct. She's so very dysfunctional; it would be wise to have nothing to do with her at all.

Gold star to Mr W.

I do worry it's me - I already don't speak to my own mother (who is very toxic).

But yes, mil is awful. I get on great with my Dad and DSM.

She sounds horrid. If she thinks DH is "joking" when he stands up to her, he needs to be firmer - although the phone call sounds a good start

People like this tend to play the dafty "ooooh, what did indo?!"

He needs to caller and specify exactly what behaviour is unacceptable

I'm feeling pretty crap.

Mil called dh this evening (he's not at home, on call) asking when she can see "her precious grandchildren" again.

He said he wasn't sure.

She laid into him being "obsessed" and "influenced" by me and saying she was "sure" we hated them all and that he should "break away" and bring dc against my wishes.

I'm not sure how to go on. Dh is with me but the children thing is bothering him.

Dont know what to say?

I think don't say anything. Don't rise to the occasion, detach yourself from the situation!!

what is it about the children thing that is bothering him?

They don't want to spend time with her so no harm on that front..

Tell her to come to visit you. Then she would see DCs. Not ideal but she won't be so nasty if she is not on her own territory. Offer to pay her fare for a 3 day visit.
Then if she refuses it is her fault that she doesn't see DCs.

She's emotionally blackmailing him. Using anything she can,

If the facts that the children don't actually want to see her, there really isn't an issue.

Have you got a copy of the Toxic Parents book?

Hi Weegiemum ,
I went no contact with my ILs about 4 years ago. My DH still takes the kids to see them, when he thinks of it, so about four times a year.

I'm not sure if I've read your MIL threads- I usually zone in on MIL stuff, but I have come up with a general list of guides that I refer myself back to when I doubt myself, or if DH has a wobble.

1. They are his parents. Their relationship was established a lifetime before you came along, so let him do the talking.

1. Let DH manage the relationship, including visits. Let him take the kids-it's only a few days. Don't go to Belfast. You're not wanted.

I don't encourage or discourage visits. I make sure the kids are clean and presentable when a visit is planned, but I don't pack the car, or any necessessaries. I'm not involved, so I can't be blamed anymore.

1. Your MIL is interfering in your marriage. You've been married 18 years ( more years than her?)

If DH hada friend who was ringing up bitching about you, the way your MIL is, would it be acceptable? If one of your girlfriends rang and said this nonsense about DH, would she still be a friend? Of course not! You're in the FOG, fear obligation,guilt, and you need to find your way out.

1. Your MIL is choosing her behaviour, so she is choosing her consequences.

1. With every nasty move she makes, she is showing you who she is. Believe her.

I really hear and totally understand your concern that not only are you NC with your own Mum, now it's going to shit with your MIL. Is it me? is it me??
A better question is maybe, is it us? Is this why you were drawn to your husband, back when you first met. One of the many things you have in common. Your MIL might be escalating her behaviour now, after all these years, but to cry tears of sadness at an engagement party?? Come on!

My DH had big issues with his Mum before I came along and we papered over them for years but the last time she walked out, I let her go. My own family were very challenging to grow up in ( understatement), and while I have a pleasant funtioning relationship with them, some of the crap that went on this summer has really made me think- do I need this madness?

But, like you, I think, fuck, it must be me. But I know DH and I discussed out demented families on one of our first dates in Kelvingrove Park, 17 summers ago. So weegiemum, it's them, not us! Yipeeee!

Let him deal with it. He knows it's not you, you know it's not you. If visit is discussed, the most involvement you need is to ask the children whether they want to go. Then leave it to dh.