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Relationships

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Original poster

Is it wrong to expect dh to provide for you??

49 replies

mower · 14/06/2006 21:24

Hoping to relocate soon and talking about jobs I am more employable then dh. ATM I stay at home and only work two evenings a week and am so so happy doing this. DS is 8 months and am 20 weeks pregnant also.

Am so scared of relocating incase dh cannot find a job and I am pushed into a corner to work full time and dh look after the babies.

Will work part time two evenings a week but my money will only cover groups and things me and the babies need.

Am I being selfish expecting dh to pay all the bills and provide for the family while I stay at home and look after the babies??

OP posts:

SoupDragon · 14/06/2006 21:26

Um... in short, yes. :)

I mean you shouldn't expect it. If you relocate and you are more employable than your DH than yes, you should get a job if he can't.

emkana · 14/06/2006 21:29

Why are you relocating?

I think that if you are more employable than your dh than you must bite the bullet and go to work if he can't find employment.

But I can totally understand that you would find it very upsetting - I would too, because I felt such a strong desire and need to be with my babies.

Feistybird · 14/06/2006 21:29

I agree, you shouldn't expect it. I mean if, when you decided to start a family, you agreed this was the way you wanted it (you at home), then I guess it would be equally mean to expect you to give up looking after your kids as you want to continue.

But, the question I have to ask is, why are you relocating?

Flum · 14/06/2006 21:31

Nah I think you should expect husband to support you and if you choose to work as well then good for you.

Original poster

mower · 14/06/2006 21:32

We live in a horrible area and live in a flat, cannot cope in flat with two babies and cause we have to move cause of practicle reasons think it is best to relocate as well.

OP posts:

Tatties · 14/06/2006 21:38

I don't think it is unreasonable at all, if you are both happy with the situation. I think looking after the children is a full-time job! However it is difficult if your dh cannot get a job, or if you need more than one income to survive. How would you feel about working while dh stayed at home?

cat64 · 14/06/2006 21:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

tenalady · 14/06/2006 21:44

Nope, the way i was dragged up, the husband is the provider and the wife is the homemaker and babymaker. Good enough for me. Anyway the latter is bloody harder work than any job ive ever done. So as far as I am concerned i am value for money

quanglewangle · 15/06/2006 00:00

No, not selfish, just practical. You have a baby and are pregnant. It makes much more sense for him to work. If you had no children it would be another matter.

I know it is wrong to make generalisations and your dh would probably be a brilliant SAHD, but my dh is nowhere near as intuitive as me about the kids.

olivia35 · 15/06/2006 00:11

What's the ML/pay situation like if you take a full-time job when already 20 weeks pregnant? By the time you'd moved & found a job you'd be about ready to go on ML within a few weeks, surely? Which realistically might put a lot of employers off - however discriminatory & illegal that might be.

I don't agree that dh should necessarily be the 'provider', especially if less employable, but would have thought atm you at home makes FAR more sense - at least until new baby is born & you can think about future options then?

TomThumb · 15/06/2006 00:19

No more than he should expect you to cook, clean and run around after him, and lay back and think of England as and when.

Im a bit of a liberal though

ghosty · 15/06/2006 02:05

You shouldn't expect it but it should be a joint decision. DH provides for me and the children but it wasn't a decision taken lightly and at the moment it is the most practical thing. If I was teaching my salary wouldn't provide for DH to stay at home and we feel that while we have a preschooler why pay other people to pay for her care when DH's job can provide for us? Having the opportunity to give up work has also given me an opportunity to look into working for myself (with much success) so my income now pays for 'extras'.
If my wage had been bigger than DH's then that would have changed things and he might have stayed at home ....

Original poster

mower · 15/06/2006 08:57

Thanks for all your replies. Feeling a bit better this morning. Was like this a bit last time I was pregnant.

My wage at present is alot smaller than dh and if we do move I would only be able to do something like care work which is just above the minimum wage so dh would be able to get a better paid job, just not so easy to find a job for him.

I'm sure things will work out ok in the end and yes by the time we do move I will be on mat leave anyway.

OP posts:

tortoiseshell · 15/06/2006 09:00

Tbh I don't think that is selfish at all - particularly since you will have a new little one, and 8 months is still very little really.

I do think that if you want to be able to look after your babies at home (particularly for the first year) then you should be able to. Plus, you wouldn't get full maternity leave from any new job, because you wouldn't have worked there long enough, so it would be financially better for your dh to work.

Do you need to relocate before dh finds a job?

morningpaper · 15/06/2006 09:13

"Am I being selfish expecting dh to pay all the bills and provide for the family while I stay at home and look after the babies??"

Not selfish but these are rather outdated aspirations in this day and age. :)

If you both rather your DH was working, then you need to look at relating to somewhere where DH can work. If he is willing, he could just as easily get minimum-wage work as you can (if that is your only option).

This has to be a shared decision, obviously.

(Personally if I could get a decent job that paid more than DH I would be out the door with my suit and cappucino faster than you can say StayAtHomeDad. :))

morningpaper · 15/06/2006 09:14

relating = reLOCATING

obviously

lorina · 15/06/2006 09:55

You are pregnant and you have a little baby . Its lovely but its very hard work for you.
Of course you should expect him to totally financially look after you ! I dont think thats selfish at all .

anniemac · 15/06/2006 09:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FairyMum · 15/06/2006 10:02

I think you need to work out what's best for your family together.

FairyMum · 15/06/2006 10:02

I think you need to work out what's best for your family together.

glassofwine · 15/06/2006 10:20

Happy mums make for happy children, if you are going to be happier to stay at home with them , then that's what you should do. If DH is happy to work, well there's nothing like a bit of fanancial pressure to get you motivated. He'll find something because he has to - so long as it's what you both want.

By the way, we all agree looking after children is a full time job, so why does everone seem to think that when DH gets home and his working day is finished that we are supposed to carry on and make meals etc. Shouldn't it be team effort once they get home?

morningpaper · 15/06/2006 10:22

HAPPY DADS MAKE FOR HAPPY CHILDREN TOO!!!!

"so why does everone seem to think that when DH gets home and his working day is finished that we are supposed to carry on and make meals etc"

I don't think we have thought this for about 50 years have we?!

glassofwine · 15/06/2006 10:27

Morning paper - So many mum's I know do, I find it surprising. When DH gets home we have a who's cooking conversation and heavens above - sometimes we do it together. I've had lots of friends comment on how unusual this is.

glassofwine · 15/06/2006 10:28

Also agree about happy dads - did say if DH happy to work.

anniemac · 15/06/2006 10:49

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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