I can't believe she said that..

[Veryshocked]

My mum on the phone the other day called me a 'nasty, nasty girl'.

Is it ever ok to say this to your (adult) child? It was during a conversation when she called my daughter anxious and needy (she isn't, she is actually a very boisterous and outgoing child, everyone says that to me!) and the conversation descended into me saying very calmly and rationally/logically that her raison d'etre is to be needed (eek..rather tackless I know).

She has some definite Narcissistic personality traits, but these have been masked somewhat by her being a very loving and hands on albeit smothering grandmother to my DC.

Feeling a bit and

How did you respond to the "nasty, nasty girl" comment?. At the very least your own boundaries re your mother need to be raised a lot higher than they are now.

My first initial thought was that your mother is indeed a narcissist before seeing your own comment on that. They are past masters of, "come closer so I can hurt you again". They all so want to be needed and important.

BTW it is not your fault your mother is like this, this starts in their own childhood (BTW do you know anything about that?).

No it is never okay to say such to your adult child, did you really have to ask?. I guess you asked that because you may well be in the FOG with regards to your mother; fear, obligation, guilt. Its also the sort of comment a toxic parent would come out with to what is still seen as their "errant" and "difficult" offspring.

She is plain nasty to you and is using your child as narcissistic supply; she has no interest in your DD at all really except to use her for her own ends. I would think carefully about the level of contact your mother actually has with the two of you because such people really do their victims no favours at all. You would not put up with a friend saying this, your mother is truly no different.

Would suggest you read the "daughters of narcissistic mothers" website as that could well help you. I would also suggest you read "Children of the Self Absorbed" by Nina W Brown as well as posting on the "well we took you to Stately Homes" thread on these pages.

No. It's never ok to say this to your child, no matter how old they are.

My mum has said similar to me over the years although not so recently. It was usually when I dared to challenge or say something she didn't agree with. It is very hurtful when someone you love seems to believe that you are a bad person.

I lurked on Stately Homes for a long time which was interesting but after reading some of the other PP's terrible situations felt that my own situation was mild by comparison so never posted openly for support there. I have just bought "why cant we be friends" or some similar title, but cant quite face reading it yet.

It does depend I suppose on what you want to happen next. My mum is in her late 70's, has a very difficult time with my Dad (severe memory issues) so I don't feel I will gain much by dealing with it directly. She is outwardly a devoted granny, but only on her terms which is hurtful, but I must learn to deal with that. What worries me the most is that I have some of these traits (learned or inherited who knows) and DS gets the brunt of this. So I am dealing with me and how I parent DS and see that as the best way forward for us as a family.

Sorry you have had this though - it does really sting.

Thanks both.

That made so much sense Atilla, thank you . And no, as a mum to my DC and knowing what I would say to them, I didn't have to ask. But I am a little screwed up when it comes to my mum! It only been recently that I've recognised the narcissistic traits she displays tbh. Before that (I'm guessing like others) I blamed myself thinking I was indeed bad and even 'nasty'. I'll have a look at that website and definitely try & get a copy of the book.

What you said about "come closer so I can hurt you again" is so true thinking about it! but it always gets flipped around so it ends up that somehow I'm the one that has wounded her.
An example of this is when my step-dad had started an argument with me (she had been moaning to him, WITHOUT MENTIONING IT TO ME, that she feels 'put-upon re: childcare (why didn't she tell me?) ). After he shouted at me, he left and she said 'why are you being funny with me, I didn't say anything, I can't control what he says'. She wasn't at all worried that his outburst which took me off guard had reduced me to tears (though I wish I hadn't cried!).

I'll think about contact as we have the option to move away soon anyway and I think it would be good for me, DP and DC.

I hate the guilt (FOG)..it's horrible. Sorry if I've waffled on

thanks veryconfused, your experience does sound similar..particularly the 'on her terms' bit. Getting over the fact she doesn't think very highly of me is hard... I worry about the inherited traits too and feel like I'm often monitoring myself!

I'm not sure what I want to happen next..I think maybe distance. And thanks, it is hard isn't it sounds like you're dealing with it really well.

I didn't react much to the comment, just remained calm and rational (this annoyed her even more for some reason..), I kind of felt proud of myself for that.

My grandmother was very cold with my mum, often saying nasty things, so my mum wanted to do the reverse and became very smothering and over the top with me, very anxious in general.

We were at MIL last Saturday having a drink and it got a bit heated and my MIL told my DH she never wanted him!!! I won't tell you his reaction but you can probably guess! Not a pretty sight I can tell you, how a parent can say nasty things to there kids is beyond me!