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Original poster

Does it ever get easier?

13 replies

PrincessKildare · 16/08/2013 07:25

Im inspired by an earlier thread to write this.

My dp cheated on me when i was pregnant, using a married persons affair site. i know he messaged 2 women and after contacting them I know he never met them, however im also not stupid enough to believe that was the extent of it. But as usual I never git the full details.
Anyway I decided to try to put it behind us and move on. I stayed with DP. We are now a "happy family" when i say that i mean he and the kids are happy and i am sometimes. I just cant help being suspicious. I have caught myself searching his car? searching his ipad. looking through his brief case. I have never found anything since and he is or seems to be a devoted dad and partner. I just cant get out of my head that if he did it before he could do it again.

im not looking to be judged her. m not looking for LTB advice. I just want to hear from those who have been cheated on and stayed........do the suspisions get less as time goes on?

OP posts:
MrsBeep · 16/08/2013 07:51

May sound like a silly question, but have you asked him why he was browsing these sites? Does he feel there is something lacking in your marriage? From what you've said it sounds like you're just playing at "happy family", because YOU are not always happy...is he I wonder? I think the suspicions will only get less once you have established his reasons for doing it in the first place...and then working together on your relationship and him gaining your trust again. Marriage can be bloody hard sometimes (speaking from experience).

Lovingfreedom · 16/08/2013 08:38

Are you convinced he wouldn't cheat on you again?

alphacourse · 16/08/2013 09:04

Did he go to therapy to address why he did it in the first place?

Original poster
PrincessKildare · 16/08/2013 10:06

When i asked why he did it. he said he didnt know why?
He said he had been chatting online for years since way before we met.
He works away 3-4 days a week and he said it was lonliness..

he still works away.

He looks after us all so well and is a fantastic dad. I love him more than i could tell you thats why the revelation was so devastating.

He didnt beg me to keep him or anything when i confronted him. he stated facts
a. he loved me only and our famly
b. he wanted us to have a happy future and saw that only with me and kids
c. these chats (or whTever) meant nothing on an emotional level and served only to entertain at night when he was alone.
d. it had to be my decision to stay with him. i had to be happy with it.

i was for leaving! i wasnt staying with thAt! but after alot of thought and sole searching i stayed.

im happy most of the time, then i read a post like yours alphacourse and it all comes back.

OP posts:
PeppermintPasty · 16/08/2013 10:21

To answer the last question in your OP, yes, for me, the suspicions have lessened and in fact disappeared. This is roughly over a 7-8 year timeframe.

What doesn't completely disappear, for me, are the memories of that awful time. They can come out of nowhere and totally sideswipe me. I am transported back to a very painful time, and whenever this happens I question myself as to whether I did the right thing in starting again with him.

This can happen every few months or so, perhaps when I am stressed in other parts of my life, or when we aren't getting on particularly well for one reason or another. Sometimes it might only be for a moment, iyswim, but they are difficult feelings to deal with. I am cross with him for changing me in this regard. I used to be a "do as you would be done by" person - (I would never do it to you, so I never imagined you would do it to me), with a dollop of healthy cynicism on the side.

Now I am pretty much 100% cynic Wink

These feelings have nothing to do with trusting him now. I am as sure as anyone can be that he is not cheating and would not cheat on me again. He is in a completely different place, as am I.

It is a long road, that's for sure.

alphacourse · 16/08/2013 11:01

I'm sorry Sad

Original poster
PrincessKildare · 16/08/2013 15:01

ah dont be sorry Alpha
i like to read the responses then i think a jeez wish i hadnt read that lol.
like Peppermintsays its just gonna take time.

OP posts:
Lovingfreedom · 16/08/2013 15:16

d. it had to be my decision to stay with him. i had to be happy with it.

This sounds a bit 'like it or lump it'...how confident are you that he won't do it again? You're right to be suspicious - he doesn't actually see anything wrong. He did it before you knew him...and carried on after he met you.

Sorry (and I've fallen for the same kind of thing)...but why do so many of us as women feel grateful for the 'love' of guys with so little imagination and commitment to us that they wank over strangers and hunt out grubby no-strings affairs. Surely you deserve better than that.

Wellwobbly · 16/08/2013 15:17

'd. it had to be my decision to stay with him. i had to be happy with it.'

What a breathtakingly clever mindfuck that is. The responsibility got passed to HER.

PrincessKildare, it all just hurts. Stay, go, it hurts. So the question is, not whether to choose to hurt or not hurt, what what you do while you hurt.

There is no 'not hurt'. What you do, is not shut it out but let it become part of your history. How has it changed you for the better? Are you less of a doormat? Do you make sure he doesn't take you for granted and you have equal say? Have you made sure you have your own money? Are you going to get training, or a job, or a better job? Have you used this hurt to stand on your own two feet more? Stuff like that. It doesn't mean you can't have a relationship but it acknowledges that he changed everything and you have got stronger.

What did President Reagan say? 'Trust, but verify'.

AnyFucker · 16/08/2013 16:17

'd. it had to be my decision to stay with him. i had to be happy with it.'

Translation: stay on my terms or fuck off.

This tells you all you need to know, but you ain't listening.

Viviennemary · 16/08/2013 16:29

You were massively betrayed but you decided to stay. Fair enough if that was your decision. But the fact you have lost trust is absolutely not not not your fault. Some people do get over it and put it behind them some people don't. But I don't think you should think there is anything wrong with you because you can't forget about this.

Lovingfreedom · 16/08/2013 16:48

Isn't he saying 'it's what I've always done, it's who I am, it's no big deal?'.... Of course he will do it again if he doesn't really see it as an issue.

Fairenuff · 16/08/2013 23:12

When i asked why he did it. he said he didnt know why

So he can't even promise he won't do it again, as he didn't know why iin the first place.

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