My husband and I have separated after 20 years of a very stormy marriage. I feel that I have been manipulated and cheated on just about every area of our marriage and have felt the rug pulled from under me so many times I've lost count.
Every time I have found something out it has been by accident. I am now in a place where I am actually too scared to look because of what I might find out and I will go through all the hurt I have already gone through.
It was pretty soon after our marriage I now realise how much I was being manipulated. If there was ever any occasion that he called me during the day for no specific reason I would think "ah he does care about me" Only to have my heart broken when I realised this phone call was to clear the way for him to disappear for the rest of the day/evening because he was doing something i didn't know about or was planning something that didn't involve me. If I found out I was shouted at for "spying" on him and being a control freak.
In the worst of times, when I discovered some serious spending at a time we were really struggling to pay our bills and do nice things as a family, I was accused of spying on him and being a control freak.
I became so distressed at his accusations to me in the face of how he dealt with being caught red handed that I actually thumped him (twice) out of sheer anger and frustration. This resulted in him reporting me to the police and claiming physical abuse (he said he just sat there whilst I hit him about 30 times. Forgive me but wouldn't most people run or was he setting me up again?. I am just over 5ft tall and him just over 6ft tall. He is fit and pretty strong I am not and older, a fit up job if I ever I wrote about one and slowly realise after 6 years exactly what was going on there).
At their request I went to the police station and gave my side of the story and they said they were sorry for what had happened and they wanted it to be taken no further. As I left the police officer said to me off the record, "if my husband had treated me like that I would have hit him too".
I am interested to read elsewhere that my h is claiming that he begged the police not to charge me with assault and that the attack was unprovoked. Provocation, of course, is no excuse for physical violence but I can tell you if someone knows which buttons to push and is so blatantly manipulating you I defy anyone to hold it in.
The worst of it is having stand there and take shouting and abuse because you told someone that you had found out something to be a lie or cheating of some kind and that it had upset you. Instead of holding his hand up and admitting it or even being apologetic, he would go on the attack and say either I was wrong to have found out or that I forced him to lie. A brilliant technique of blame shifting and smoke and mirrors.
It started with little fibs about money and debt. Silly little lies about where he was going and why. Then fibs about being at work but actually having time off to play golf or attend a match.
Then there were instances where I discovered expenditure that I didn't know about whilst being told we couldn't afford things for our family home.
Secrets in his life increased. Single holidays with friends were beginning to become the norm whilst family holidays were only ever booked by me and sometimes he found reasons to not come along.
Instances of working away from home increased.
Visits to his mother (usually a long weekend) which we had previously done together started to become a trip just for him to "see his mates" . On two recent occasions I have asked to join for a trip because our daughter wouldn't be with us and he just said no, it wasn't possible or appropriate.
Excuses to get out of social events with me or just downright refusing to come along became the norm.
The secretive behaviour started too. Phones permanently by his side and always locked. Being very careful with passwords on the family computer. Search history deleted all the time. Phone calls on mobiles taken out in the garage or in the outside utility room.
Disappearing for hours sometimes with no real feasible explanation for his disappearance and no contact. I often found him non contactable on his mobile despite the fact that when with me his mobile phone was never out of his hands. Lap top being hastily closed if I walked into a room. Going to bed early in the spare room claiming tiredness but being on the net till the early hours.
But rather stupidly I always believed that the instances I found out about accidentally were the only ones. Now, of course, I am wondering if they are just the tip of the iceberg. Is there much more of a secret life to this guy than I can even begin to guess at? Do i want to know? What good will it do? Just serve to hurt me more and anger me more.
I can see how this gas lighting things works. Kindness on the face of it and terrible duplicity going on in the background. Coupled with that the person you have found to be dishonest on one way or another goes on the attack when found out.
Then as our daughter got older the idea of making me look bad to her started too. Almost every time I tried to discipline her for something he would interrupt and tell me to "leave her alone". Stop being so aggressive with her or just plain "stop arguing with her". This would normally only happen if we had previously had an argument between us. She soon worked out that if I was telling her off I wasn't going to be supported by her father. This enabled her more and rendered me powerless in the face of the certain knowledge anything I said to her would be twisted to look like abuse of her too or another incident between he and I. I am now too afraid to discipline her in any way so she is becoming pretty feral. She will now go to her father and moan about me if I so much as ask her to do anything reasonable and he delights in that. He is playing good dad to curry favour with her. I am now concerned that now he has found a "new friend" the novelty of having his daughter as the female in his life that can see no wrong in him will become a bore and drain on his resources as he concentrates on his new interests. Yet more confusion for the poor girl.
More recently he has intimated to her that I am mentally ill. He has also intimated this to anyone else that will listen, the police, our family doctor, his work colleagues etc etc. But it is disturbing to hear my daughter repeat this to me. He insists that he had nothing to do with her coming to this conclusion but that she sees how "aggressive you are". This aggression is apparently when I ask her to do stuff like homework and clean up her room so I can hoover etc.
The aggression seemingly does not exist in him when he follows me from room to room screaming at me, threatening me, kicking doors and pushing doors open when I am trying to get away from him, chasing me out to the car and shouting at me as I am driving away to get away from the shouting and goading. Pointing in my face, finger jabbing my shoulder. Laughing in my face.
It is very clever. It is overwhelmingly distressing and sets you up for a life of mistrust, hate and pain.
I urge you ladies, if any of this sounds familiar get out. It won't change. It won't stop until he finds someone else to vent that woman hating anger at. It will be passive aggressive anger but believe me if you feel you are being manipulated - you are!!!
Don't do what I did, keep hoping it will sort itself out when the last lie has been found out and the apologies and make eventually occur. They will always be there. There will always be the ones you don't know about. As you become more empowered it will get worse too. You will get more and more frustrated and angry and will possibly, like me, be pushed to pure frustration and hit out. I found the more independent I got as our daughter grew and my finances improved the worse it got. It is no win situation. When you are dependent on them you are a drain on their resources (money and time) but as you regain your independence you become a threat.
Even now I believe I love my husband. i wish so badly I was still in the family home and being the wife, lover and mother I wanted to be. But it is not to be. One thing I would urge you to do, listen to how they treat their mother. If they are spiteful or mean to their mums RUN LIKE HELL BEFORE ITS TOO LATE!. They will do it to you I can promise you.