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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Bloody hell! He seems to be having an affair! But what kind of affair is this????

25 replies

Whyonearth · 15/08/2013 22:32

NC for this, as you would expect. One of my friends who is married to DH's closest friend has told me H has told hers about "meeting someone".

Apparently he approached her in a dating site, and has been meeting with her for almost two months. They meet 2-3 times a week, according to my friend they go for walks, cinema, and even spend time together as a family (she has children from a previous marriage). Friend says h is very interested in her, he even think he loves her but he has not slept with her.

She found out this week he is married and has decided not to see him anymore. H, the bastard, is gutted! I know him well enough to see he has been crying.

My friend told me he has told this woman he could never leave me but that he was very serious about her and wanted a future together.

Damn him! We have been together for more than 20 years! What is going on? If I were not sure that he would go and stay over at her house, I would kick him out tonight!

OP posts:

Katisha · 15/08/2013 22:34

I think you may still need to. He was obviously planning on having his cake and eating it.

BitOutOfPractice · 15/08/2013 22:36

And I doubt very much that they've not slept together

Sorry Why :( how absolutely devestating for you :(

TheTurdsOfMisery · 15/08/2013 22:36

So sorry you're going through this. I'd kick him out and send him straight there. With any luck she'll stick to her principles and tell him to sling his hook but even if she doesn't and he stays - well, you know the old saying about 'be careful what you wish for'. Illicit romance is just not the same as the day to day drudge and most of these stupid men do not make that transition well.

I wish you well

Ledkr · 15/08/2013 22:37

In sorry. How awful for you. Either way you've got to talk about it.

TurnipCake · 15/08/2013 22:37

If I were not sure that he would go and stay over at her house, I would kick him out tonight!

Why not? Let him go, he can turn up at hers and if she holds any integrity, she'd turn him away too. If not, she has landed herself a nice booby prize.

IAmNotAMindReader · 15/08/2013 22:44

If I were not sure that he would go and stay over at her house, I would kick him out tonight!

As TurnipCake said if she accepts him she is getting the booby prize, so why are you so keen to hang onto it.

Original poster

Whyonearth · 15/08/2013 22:47

He said he could never leave me. I'm holding at straws, am I? It is years since we have no intimacy, and with that I don't mean sex. We go on with life minding our own business, we hardly talk to each other and now he is a bloody hero doing the right thing and staying with me even when he has been ignoring me for years? Wtf???

OP posts:

Katisha · 15/08/2013 22:51

Probably because home thinks he is the victim, can't help how he feels etc. Probably felt a bit of a hero to the ow. Probably thinks if he goes to ow he can carry on being your friend and helping out etc as he won't want to be the bad guy. I have seen something very like this in my own family. Basically he has blown it both with you and ow.

ChippingInHopHopHop · 15/08/2013 22:53

He said he couldn't leave you, not that he didn't want to leave you. Having a man feel you can't stand on your own two feet is no great thing my love. I'd tell him not only can he leave, but he bloody well will leave!

But - I would want to see some proof myself (text messages or something).

ChippingInHopHopHop · 15/08/2013 22:54

Actually, having read your last post... what are you waiting for, it sounds like both of you have been miserable for a long time. Set each other free, find yourselves again and in time new partners (well, he can have whatshername if she will have the lying bastard - she must be furious with him and I hope she tells him to fuck off too!!).

ImperialBlether · 15/08/2013 22:55

Hang on a minute, OP.

You go through life minding your own business - do you mean you don't take an interest in each other's lives?

You hardly talk to each other.

He has been ignoring you for years.

He wants a future with this woman.

He feels he can't leave you - why? Are you an independent woman?

Why do you want to be with him?

Bambi27 · 15/08/2013 22:57

Oh gosh that's awful if you're admitting you have no intimacy etc. and almost live seperate lives maybe its time to give up? I know it's difficult me and my dh are going through a bit of a rough time and I did think about jumping ship because he said some v hurtful things then wanted to take them all back and continue as normal but I would hope I would be able to walk away if it got this far... It's not fair on you (and without getting a wrath as he's obviously in the wrong with what he's done now...) or him. You both deserve to feel loved, needed, wanted and cherished. If you're not giving that to each other I'm not sure what there is to hold onto I'm so sorry you're going through this x

BerylStreep · 15/08/2013 23:00

What are you both getting out of still being married to each other?

MariaLuna · 15/08/2013 23:05

Sorry, I'm confused. You heard this all from your friend?

You have been together for more than 20 years but you cannot talk about this without friends being involved?
And you heard from them he is having an affair?

Not sure what to say to that, but as your friend I would say LTB.

Original poster

Whyonearth · 15/08/2013 23:06

I know you are right. :-(

OP posts:

Chibbs · 15/08/2013 23:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Lighthousekeeping · 15/08/2013 23:10

Can you support yourself?

LEMisdisappointed · 15/08/2013 23:11

It doesn't matter that he hasn't had sex with her, what he has done is much much worse actually. I couldnt get past it, eventually, neither will you, so sorry x

Mixxy · 15/08/2013 23:12

He really blabbed to his mate and that guy told his wife and she told you? Crying?

Maybe this is the key to getting out.

morethanpotatoprints · 15/08/2013 23:23

So Sorry OP, whatever your relationship is like, it must be a shock after being together for 20 years.
Maybe though other posters are right and it is the key to freedom for you both.
I couldn't get past this and would forgive a lot, but he went behind your back. If he had told you about his feelings for the ow from the start you could have worked through it or gone your separate ways, but to be deceitful imo is the lowest. He owes you all of this and more after sharing your lives for so long.
Do you think he told his friend because he knew that it would get back to you and thats what he wanted. Are you certain he doesn't know that you do know now?

AnyFucker · 15/08/2013 23:29

What ? You still want to keep him ?

Why ?

Send him on his way.

QuintessentialOldDear · 15/08/2013 23:32

Let him go. Your relationship has run its course.

WeAreSeven · 15/08/2013 23:41

He's not a prize you know. You don't gain anything by keeping him. It sounds like there's not much love there anyway.

Ilovemydogandmydoglovesme · 15/08/2013 23:52

Sounds like a wake up call to me. You've grown apart and perhaps it's time to call it a day. He's obviously ready to get on with his life but a complete inability to accept change is holding you both back.

Why are you wasting your life on nostalgia and what has been? Life is so very short. For gods sake get out there and start living again. Don't waste anymore of your life with this man. It's clearly not meant to be or you'd be happy together. Try stepping out on your own and see how happy you could be. You won't regret it, but you might regret not doing it.

Celadorhasacatandawaveequation · 16/08/2013 00:34

OP, I would really consider the future of your relationship - don't accept this because it's the easier option than leaving/having counselling.

You deserve more than to be with someone who does that.

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