My DP and I of 11 years haven't got on for a while. He has a temper which is visible when he is stressed or anxious. When he is stressed or anxious, he is snappy and is extremely impatient with me. If i snap back he becomes verbally abusive and calls me disgusting names. He isn't like this with anyone else and when I challenge him on this behaviour afterwards he says its because I irritate him and admits that he's not like this with anyone else.
This evening I was trying to get the laptop working so I could put a film on for the kids while I made them something to eat. He comes downstairs after being up there for an hour trying to 'chill out' and says in an angry way "let me try, just because you work at xxx and have a desktop sat infront of you all day doesn't mean you know anything about computers". I ask him why he feels the need to say that and then this ruptures into an argument as he comes out with abuse followed by "I was only joking".
This 'joking' happens very often, usually were he will say something insulting or something that puts me down followed by him suggesting something useful or something he can do to help and then he will cover this by saying its only joking or a bit of humour.
I know this may sound trivial but there are so many other things that does similar to this but it's just so hard picking them out as he messes my head up so much I can't think straight.
So prior to this today, we had been out food shopping and he wanted to come as he was meant to be picking something up from his friend (he lives in the same town I do the shopping). During the journey his friend txt him to say he was doing something else that day and wouldn't be around until tomorrow. Well this just messed DPs full mood up and he started to get stressed and snappy at me. After we had done the shopping he was still behaving like this so I challenged him on it saying I shouldn't have to suffer as he is stressed with someone else. This pissed him off even more and he flipped. Called me a slag in the car park before storming off. During his tantrum he lost £10 and when he returned he said it was my fault as I was ringing his phone and he had to pull his phone out of his pocket which is when the money must have fallen out.
Anyway these are just a couple of examples from today but he is like this every time he is stressed due to someone letting him down.
My children witness all of this, they are 1.5 and 4.
I feel deflated and scared of what mine and my kids future will be like if I split from him. I don't have any friends (not one) as I had a bad childhood and was moved around the country and then in adulthood felt like I couldn't trust anyone. My family are not 'family' people and just get on with their own lives. We don't have family get togethers etc. DPs family are part of our lives and the kids really enjoy seeing them. This connection is only there because I am with DP otherwise it wouldn't exist as they don't really like me as i am not a certain way as they would expect me to be. I am too westernised for them. I know if we split they wouldn't stay in touch as when DP fell out with his family a while ago for over a year they didn't contact the kids once, not even on their birthdays or Xmas. So we really would be on our own. It's not the lack of support I'm worried about as I know I can do it, it's the loss my kids would experience and the lack of growing up around family and social interaction. In social situations I am a little introvert and can find it difficult to keep a conversation going.
The other fear is that my DP does the childcare while I'm at work and has been doing this since the first child was born. Childcare from strangers has never been an option to me due to my lack of trust i have with people around my children. I have always been adamant that it would either be me or DP who took on the childcare while the other works. I am now in a position where I will have to give up my job that I have worked so hard at. I left school at 16 and have worked since then as I wasn't living with parents so had to pay my own bills and fend for myself. I have worked extremely hard at my career through gaining experience and moving up the ladder that way. I am now very fortunate to be working for a global corporation which is expanding and will open up excellent progression opportunities.The company have also agreed to sponsor me and fully fund for me to do a 3 year MSc degree in a specialised subject which will cost the company £9000 altogether. I currently work part time so I can spend more time with the children and if I split from him I will have to leave my job. At the end of the day, if it comes to it I will do it as my children come first but I feel so angry and upset at the thought of all my hard work over the years amounting to nothing.
I keep reminding my self that this isn't a good relationship to be in. I am constantly thinking about the effect on my children, especially my eldest as I can see she gets very anxious when DP shouts. Today, she started whimpering in the car, when I asked her what was the matter she said she was scared of daddy shouting. This was just after he stormed off in the car park. This is the first time she has said this to me. :(
I'm just so upset and angry at this whole situation. Please can someone offer some advice and I'm really sorry if this is long.