I ALWAYS seem to have a crush on someone else

[Notmoreschoolholidays]

Hi all, regular poster, nc etc etc.

Dh and I have been married 8 years, 2 dc, together for 11, we were really good friends for 3 years prior to that. After the first 3 months of amazing honeymoon period stuff he experienced PE. It really knocked his confidence and the vicious cycle of anxiety and PE carried on for about 18 months until he read some books and it calmed down.

Anyway, obviously it was very frustrating and upsetting for him, and I became very frustrated also (but he NEVER knew about this) and I thought I tried my hardest to be patient and sympathetic. Looking back now though he probably knew I was disappointed as my libido took a real nose dive and I went off sex. Our sex life has been sporadic and at times very infrequent and has never really levelled out.

Things are further complicated by the fact that my bf prior to dh was sexually abusive (didn't realise at the time though), and I was sexually abused as a small child.

If occurs to me only now that I nearly always have an infatuation with someone other than dh. The crush is always a male friend, it lasts a few years and then changes to another male friend, and I spend a lot of my time fantasizing about them. I have always thought that the abuse had made sex a threatening thing, so it was safer to have fantasy sex with secret crush than real sex with dh, but now I see that it's not that at all. I want sex but not with dh. I have just been sexually frustrated for 10 years. Dh is a bit of a 'feathery stroker', and although we have talked extensively about doing things differently it just isn't getting any better. He still comes too quickly and I can't bring myself to tell him this as he thinks his PE is fixed.

He is an amazing dh otherwise, kind, attentive, does fair share of childcare/housework, have loads in common. We have our problems but we are both committed to working through them.

I feel desperate now I've realised what the problem is. I'm so infatuated with someone at the moment they are all I can think about, and in my more irrational moments I even consider ending the marriage (not to be with anyone, just so that I am free to have amazing sex).

Sorry for length of post, needed to get it all out. Any advice will be gratefully received.

Sorry, what is PE?

Premature ejaculation I think MyChild

OP, it sounds like you're with your DH out of habit rather than love. Do you think you could try to fall back in love with him? Maybe counselling would help, and maybe viagra would help with the sex probs?

Have a read of this and see if it rings any bells for you...

Sit him down and be brutally honest about the fact that you are so sexually frustrated for such a long time. Tell him precisely what he needs to do in order to fix things (strap on dildo for the moment, go to doctor, viagra, counselling, reading tantric books etc). If you don't see considerable improvement in 6-12 months (with feedback to him in the meantime, of course) - consider separation. Not worth it continuing, because the sex issue is making you hate him ANYWAY, regardless of how many 'redeeming' qualities he might have in other departments.

I really do feel for you, OP!

Thanks merry, I'll give that a good read now. From what I've read so far you could be onto something.

This struck me: "Preoccupation with the sexual act or the idealized, fantasy relationship acts as a barrier between the addict and another person.[25]"

I guess you need to figure out whether the sexual frustration has sent you into fantasy relationships, or whether you have this tendency and are therefore making more out of the sexual frustration than you need to. Only you can understand that really.

Also, do you read a lot of romance books/ watch films? Would you say you are a romance addict?

It's possible that a bit of what's described in the article is at play here, but I can relate to both the love addict (crushes on other men) and the love avoidant (avoiding intimacy with dh). So because of that I can't really draw any conclusions without help. I have a counsellor so I can ask them what they think.

Val, your advice, although scary, seems really sensible. It's time to be honest isn't it? I'm a little worried that he just isn't capable of the kind of sex that I'm missing, what if we are just incompatible?

Has anyone ended an otherwise healthy and loving relationship due to sex issues? And has it been worth it?

Merry, I am the least girly girl ever. I've never been into romcom's or chick lit at all. Also, in the past I've had really satisfactory sexual relationship with people and not had this preoccupation with other men and fantasies. I'm really very sure that it's sexual frustration rather than being a romance/love addict.

Me too - not being at all girly girl. But I think I am a bit of a love addict, probably. All my relationships pre marriage were very emotionally intense, all for different reasons. I've always enjoyed really intense 'love' stories (not chick lit!) whether it be Love in the Time of Cholera or Wuthering Heights or A Widow for a Year, as well as reams of poetry.

Not so much whether you have had satisfactory sexual relationships, but have you ever fantasised about other people whilst in a relationship?

No I've only ever experienced crushes whilst being with dh.

There seem to be a few threads running on this sort of theme at the moment, you might find it useful to have a look through them. There's one called "I'm in love with someone who's not my DH".

I guess at some point you must have thought you were sexually compatible though, right? Or at least felt that side of things was no problem. You mentioned a honeymoon period.

Yeah the honeymoon period was amazing. Sorry if tmi bit dh is really skilled and considerate, and these are things I had never experienced before. Sex had been very degrading with previous bf who watched way too much porn. Dh knew about this and I think he saw me as some delicate flower who needed special treatment after some horrendous experiences, and for a while it was lovely, new and exciting. However, the feathery stroker type of sex got boring and he was too wrapped up in his pe issues by then to take any kind of sex related criticism.

I'm aware that ex and my childhood abuser have skewed my views of sex, so it's really helpful to get some opinions from normal folk!

I've looked at those other threads, thanks. Some helpful stuff there too.x

I think you place far too much emphasis on sex and haven't given your dh a chance to change. I mean, it's not that hard to vary your 'style' and I'm sure he could manage if you were that interested in pursuing this and preserving your marriage, but I think you are way off in your fantasy land and looking for ways out.

The honeymoon period being great really sets alarm bells off for me, because basically he hasn't changed from this in terms of style (even if the PE has got in the way, now you say it is much better). It's just that your emotions were charged so therefore the sex was great (perhaps you were therefore also achieving orgasm more quickly?).

Have your previous good sexual relationships been particularly long term? Have you managed to maintain really good sex over several years? If not, you really need to consider that this problem is going to follow YOU around, and is not really your dh's problem.

This may seem a really obvious thing to say, but can he not make sure you've had an orgasm before sticky his winky in? Then it won't matter so much if he comes quickly. Presuming he doesn't come just at the thought of DOING IT.

sticking his winky, that should read...

We had a really open talk about everything on Friday night. He has been worried about our sex life too, in that he feels unable to express his desires and is quite self conscious. I was very direct and told him how I felt and it feels like a massive weight has been lifted, for both of us. We have decided to try knew things and get away from the usual 'routine' that we have fallen into.

I appreciate how difficult it has been for him. Sometimes we go months without having sex due to my depression which is linked to being abused as a child. Then, when we did have sex it lasted all of 5 mins as it always does after a dry spell. He was upset about pe, I was disappointed and we never got anywhere.

Merry, the emphasis is on sex as the rest of our relationship is really good. We are great friends and love and respect each other immensely. We have our problems but we always seek to sort them out in an open, honest and respectful way. I have definitely not checked out of this marriage. However, you did get my attention when you asked if my previous healthy sexual relationships were long term, because they weren't. I was with abusive bf for years and before that I was a teenager and had relationships that lasted a year at most. Also, what do you know about sex and relationships as a teenager? I'll bring this up with my therapist and see where it goes.

Just a quick comment on something further up the thread-- Viagra does not treat PE. It's for a completely different problem.

Good luck OP, sounds like there is a lot of good in the marriage.

Sorry to hear about the abuse you suffered in your past OP.

As for the crush on another man thing - I can totally relate to this. When I was with my (now ex) partner I had crushes on many men including one of HIS friends!! I made the huge mistake of telling my mum about this and to cut a long story short he found out !! We did stay together after that, but ended up splitting up 3 years later due to much broader reasons.

This syndrome seems more common than you would think.

Actually Viagra is often prescribed for PE as it allows the man to maintain an erection after ejaculation. The idea is that it is supposed to take the pressure off the man and therefore allow them to be more relaxed and conversely less like to ejaculate prematurely.

Could he have a few beers b4 sex to relax him? Or could he go knock one out an hr b4 sex so he isnt so 'full.'?

I used to do that all the time too, without even realising it, when I was with my stbxh.

I don't now, with my new partner.

I think it's worth paying attention to, and I also think it's not anything wrong with YOU.

You're just unhappy. It's allowed.