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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Internet dating - was I getting played? :(

84 replies

Jennynero · 15/08/2013 17:24

Hi everyone,

So I started internet dating about 2 weeks ago and went on 2 OK dates (nice guys, no connection). Then I met this guy and felt a massive connection the minute I saw him. He was handsome, tall, intelligent and we really got on. He said he felt the same and we did the dirty on the 1st night (stupid I know but it's been a loooong time for me).

To my amazement, he carried on texting me and we met up again (no sex). Things were going great, he was texting me lovely long messages, putting it into my head that he could see it going somewhere.

Anyway, date number 3 was a disaster!! It was like he was a different person. He was really standoffish and even got his phone out to read work emails just as I started talking (he didn't seem bothered when I said it was rude). We kind of had sex but he was almost playing a game with me where we didn't do it properly because he wanted to do it all night the next night (we had already arranged for him to stay at my house as it was a friday). I think he was trying to make me want him??? wtf??

The next day I woke up feeling so confused. I didn't get what had happened the night before and felt crappy and cheap. I text him that morning to cancel and I ended up blurting out that I had no idea what last night was about and wanted clarification on whether we were just sleeping together or getting to know each other (crazy I know, I had known him a week at this point!). I had already fallen at this point and there was no turning back :(

Anyway, we got past all that and arranged to meet on the Monday. He cancelled but had a plausible excuse and arranged to come over the next day. By this point, the texts were drying up and I felt like he was losing interest. I went out, bought sexy new underwear, got all dressed up for him, hair, makeup etc. I had text him about 5pm asking what time he was coming over.

So as I was sat all dolled up with rollers in, I get a text nearly 2 hours after my text at 5, saying 'you are gonna hate me, i can't make it'. No explanation, no phone call, no apology!!! I was so peed off that I had gone to all that effort just to get cancelled on!!

I told him that was strike 2 as he had already cancelled the night before and he simply replied 'what was strike 1 for?'. Anyway, i decided to end it and he just said take care. Take care!!!!

I just don't get it! We had arranged to meet at the weekend and he was going to stay at mine. He had also mention me staying over at his sometime. Why was he giving me all these mixed messages? Was I getting played and was I right to end it?

I still really like him (sad I know) and i'm dying to text him, what I don't know. I just want to see him again, I almost miss him and the sex was amazing!

Am I being a mug or overreacting??

OP posts:

Twinklestein · 16/08/2013 15:37

(Reply to Lois ^^)

LoisPuddingLane · 16/08/2013 15:51

I rarely go into anything thinking "Great, casual sex!". I always hope it will be more.

SweetSeraphim · 16/08/2013 15:53

Which is fine arsenaltilidie, and I agree with you, but I didn't like the insinuation from Ra88 that the OP was easy

And missbopeep - you haven't answered DioneTheDiabolist's question. I'm interested in the personal circumstances that enable you to judge a 10 year relationship as not long-term, and also why you consider the fact that both of those relationships have ended, as not pertinent to the discussion?

missbopeep · 16/08/2013 18:18

sweet you'll just have to keep waiting for your answer then won't you? I'm not posting here to be put in the dock with you as the prosecution :)

Whether I've been married 5 years or 50 is none of your business and neither does it affect my right to an opinion on something- which may well be based on personal experience, or may not.

SweetSeraphim · 16/08/2013 18:41

Ah. But acting as judge and jury on my failed relationships is ok.... For no other reason than you felt like putting the boot in.

Nice attitude. You might want to rethink that HRT love.

wishes for ignore function

AnyFucker · 16/08/2013 18:44

I wonder where op went

SweetSeraphim · 16/08/2013 18:47

Oh I've also been offering advice to the OP, AF.Unlike some I could mention

Alright, I'll stop now

AnyFucker · 16/08/2013 18:49

Sweet,
I agree that bo's pronouncements on your relationships were rather jarring

SirRaymondClench · 16/08/2013 19:00

Lois - you know you're bound to bump into Sunday market dude in the next week or so now you've mentioned him, don't you?

DiaryOfAWimpyMum · 16/08/2013 19:09

My FWB guy still texts now and then. I cba with him anymore. He was like a play-thing

Ive slept with more men since me xh split thna I ever did. I either found my mojo, or found dating sites.

I thought I did everything right on my last date, I didn't sleep with him, then got very drunk and texted him x 25 before finally telling him he was dumped

I honestly wish I had slept with him. He was an ex from the past so no online dodgy nonsense and I still managed to fuck it up

LoisPuddingLane · 16/08/2013 19:27

Nah, I think I'm fairly safe in August. Like most of the people where he works, August is effectively HOLIBOBS and they all piss off. Weird though, he only works down the road from me. I've been lucky.

VelvetSpoon · 16/08/2013 19:44

This guy sounds like typical OD male lowlife unfortunately.

Loads of them out there, mostly incapable of an actual relationship, who just shag about a bit but never get more involved. Its all about power games, and a fair bit of misogyny. A knobjockey like this doesn't actually like women much. Tbh he would have been doing you a favour by just not calling after the first date, rather than dragging it out like this.

I'd say the majority of men who OD are like this. There are a few decent ones, but they are hard impossible to find in amongst the scores of shag merchants.

Helltotheno · 16/08/2013 19:53

Plus very good looking people are less likely to have worked on their personalities and turn out to be ZZzzzztastic... don't want to generalise of course so you dodged a bullet really OP

Helltotheno · 16/08/2013 19:54

then got very drunk and texted him x 25 before finally telling him he was dumped

I love that you admitted this

mameulah · 16/08/2013 19:58

I met my dh on the internet! We are very happy and have a pfb ds.

I am not telling you that to rub salt in the wound when you are feeling sad, merely to give you hope!

I dated MILLIONS few guys online before I met my dh. I quickly eventually learned that it is always, ALWAYS better NOT to call the guy if you have any doubts.

Good luck. Don't let that guy put you off. Get over him fast and move on.

Kiriwawa · 16/08/2013 20:03

Whether a relationship lasts has sod all to do with when you shag them.

However, a lot of men are attracted to OD precisely because it's a great way to have casual sex. If that's what you're up for, then great. If not, then be a bit more circumspect

DioneTheDiabolist · 16/08/2013 22:33

Erm Bopeep, 'twas I who asked the question, not that slag Sweet. I wanted to know if you considered yourself in a LTR or if it was just other people's relationships that you judged.

Lizzabadger · 16/08/2013 23:05

There are loads of these shits on the internet. They get off on treating people like that. I am afraid you need to wise up quickly.

SweetSeraphim · 17/08/2013 11:17

Dione You slaaaaag.

DioneTheDiabolist · 17/08/2013 14:43

You obviously know me in RL Sweet. Or maybe we can recognize our own.

AnyFucker · 17/08/2013 15:48

MariaLuna · 17/08/2013 20:50

I have a friend who is still with her DH who she had sex with on the night they met.

Their kids are in their 20's.

Just saying....

I do think it's crazy how some posters are judging others' relationships on the nr. of years together, as if the only "real" thing is "till death us do part"

OP, be thankful he showed you his true nasty colours so soon, better after 3 dates than 3 years down the line.

Onwards and upwards I say!

Oh, and next time, don't pamper yourself solely for a man, do it for yourself! Cos you're worth it!

wtutoday · 03/09/2013 03:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Mumsyblouse · 03/09/2013 08:30

I agree there's no magic formula regarding when you have sex, and you shouldn't worry about what they think, have sex if you want to.

However, some women become very attached after having sex, and feel very bad if the contact doesn't continue. This is not a bad thing, it just tells you casual sex (which some women enjoy) isn't for you. I have a very good friend who has been devastated by this type of behaviour in men because she just interprets the sex/texts as wanting a relationship and is hurt every single time it doesn't work out (in fact, worse each time as each time feels like a failure).

Have sex on internet dates if you are happy to enjoy that and never see the person again. You might see them again, you might even marry them, but it is better to know yourself and protect your own heart.

You should protect yourself physically and emotionally and for some people, this means giving casual encounters a swerve.

Writerwannabe83 · 03/09/2013 09:14

I met a guy via OLD once and we met up for drinks, he wasn't exactly my 'type' but we got on well and I did end up really fancying him. We went on a few dates, he'd ring me at least twice a day and I let myself get carried away in believing it was going to be 'something special' we slept together for the first time after our 5th date I think (we'd known each other just under 2 weeks) and he stayed the night at mine. The next morning he took out his mobile phone, whilst we were still in bed, and he started showing me photos of his ex- girlfriend when she had dressed up as a sexy rabbit for him and I'm talking quite risque lingerie shots! I couldn't believe it! Needless to say I was quite upset by this. Anyway he left and the day went on with no texts or phone calls which is the complete opposite of how he'd been over the last few weeks. I would text him and if he bothered replying it would be a half hearted one about 5 hours later. Then the contact just stopped. I phoned him a few days later and had it out with him and he ended it with me, saying I had made him feel very uncomfortable the morning he'd been at mine because of my having been upset. Apparently, by me not wanting to see naughty photos of his ex and hear about their sex life, it meant I was "too clingy"

But anyway, my point of the story, if the guy is a wanker it wouldnt have mattered whether you slept with him on the 1st date or the 10th date. Put it down to experience and move on to the next guy!

For what it's worth, the next guy I met via OLD is how my husband

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