Mother keeps stamping over boundaries...

[marmalademalaise]

I have name changed.

I have for a very long time (since adolescence - I am now in my early thirtes) had a very difficult relationship with my mum.

She has displayed emotionally abusive behaviour towards me my whole life for example enabling my abusive dad (he has a terrible anger issue, is verbally abusive, cold and stone walls - she has never stuck up for me and in fact denies that he is like this and things he has said and done has not happened). She is very critical - like if I meet up with her she will make snidey comments about my appearance and when I object she'll try and backtrack. I took up open university studies a couple of years ago (I'm doing a degree) and she was all like, well I should have done it years ago rather than be supportive and happy for me. I'm a very anxious person (she knows this) but she will always spoon feed me anxiety producing scenarios, for example soon after my DD was born, I thought I might have PND and she told me that I should not tell the doctor or health visitor as they will call social services and take DD away (when I told my partner he was sooo angry and said that it was just as well he was not there). She is also very clingy, intrusive and interfering - giving me "advice" when it is not asked for, always sitting or standing too close to me and is generally too touchy feely. Like it my top rises up she'll give my tummy a tickle or will stroke my hair and stuff. It produces such an unpleasant physical reaction in me - I get so angry. I feel like I could punch her in the face. I tell her all the fucking time to not do it, that I don't like it but she'll do it again. I actually feel like I'm being molested.

I am generally quite an articulate, assertive person so I tell her how I feel when she crosses these lines but she just won't listen. I see examples of her not listening all the time, whether I'm telling her I need her to stop touching me or just in general conversation like I'll say something like "I went to waterstones and bought a new book" she'll respond with "what they've turned your water off?". It drives me mad.

I find the relationship so hard and such difficult work. She drives me nuts. I think it would be wrong of me to stop her from seeing my DD but I really want to cut my mum out of my life.

I just wanted to vent really and if anyone has any advice that would be greatly appreciated.

Anyone, including your mother should be cut out of your life if she is making you unhappy and is toxic.
Don't feel guilty, no need.

I'm a very anxious person (she knows this) but she will always spoon feed me anxiety producing scenarios, for example soon after my DD was born,

She does that and all the other stuff OP, because she knows it winds you up and enjoys that. Let's face it, you wouldn't tolerate any of those behaviours from anyone else so don't be lulled into a false sense of what's right by thinking you have to put up with it because you share the same blood. You don't. No contact is best or at least, cut contact down to the absolute minimum, and even on those occasions, if she starts, walk out, saying something like 'I've told you about that before, any time it happens, I'll walk'.

Also be wary of time she spends with your children. A poisonous person doesn't miraculously become poison-free when they're dealing with someone else, even a child.

Its a toughy because although I think that I would like to cut contact with her, I do need her for babysitting etc. No one else is able to do it and my finances are not great. My DD adores her and I think that is the only reason why I see as much as I do of my mum at the moment is because of my DD.

Even when I don't see my mum for long periods, I find her presence within me, like I get very agitated and can't relax sometimes when she is not there because i am remembering all the horrible things she does.

Venting can help but its only a short term solution to a long term problem.

You really do need to heed the counsel already given.

Some grandparents really shouldn?t be allowed access to their grandchildren.

A percentage of the general population is dysfunctional and/or abusive. That percentage, like everyone else, has children. Then those children grow and have children of their own. The not-so-loving grandparents expect to have a relationship with their grandchildren. The only problem is, they?re not good grandparents.

Many adult children of toxic parents feel torn between their parents? (and society?s) expectation that grandparents will have access to their grandkids, and their own unfortunate first hand knowledge that their parents are emotionally/physically/sexually abusive, or just plain too difficult to have any kind of healthy relationship with.

The children?s parents may allow the grandparents to begin a relationship with their children, hoping that things will be different this time, that their parents have really changed, and that their children will be emotionally and physically safer than they themselves were.

Unfortunately, this is rarely the case, because most abusive people have mental disorders of one kind or another, and many of these disorders are lifelong and not highly treatable. (Others are lifelong and treatable; however, many people never seek the necessary help.)

The well-intentioned parent ends up feeling mortified for having done more harm than good by hoping things would somehow be different ? instead of having a child who simply never knew their grandparents and who was never mistreated, they have an abused child who is now also being torn apart by the grief involved in having to sever a lifelong relationship with the unhealthy people they are very attached to.
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More Here: lightshouse.org/lights-blog/toxic-bad-abusive-grandparents#ixzz2cS0FkwVz

I can only reiterate the above and what the other respondents have stated; if she is too toxic for you to deal with, she is too toxic for your vulnerable child.

She will keep disregarding and ignoring any boundaries you care to set. The way forward with such people is to basically cut them off, she is bringing nothing positive into your life but instead creates more anxiety. She will do the same to your DD as she has done to you, toxic crap like this filters down the generations. DO not let your DD have this legacy.

You can reclaim your life back, you do not need her approval any more not that she'd freely give it anyway. It is not your fault she is like this, her own birth family did that lot of damage to her.

There must be someone else willing to babysit; anyone else is better than your toxic mother doing that role. She will poison her against you as her mother.