Are we both having an emotional affair?

[Speedos]

I had not heard of this term until recently however I think I am having an emotional affair and if my friend is too?

Background - me, unhappy for long time with husband met new friend at his place of work, I am a client of sorts. The first thing that happened was he played with my kids all the time (something my husband never did). He talked about his daughter and how he wasn't with her mum etc.

Whilst being totally professional would often join me whilst I was having coffee to chat and asking why I was always doing things alone with my kids. I did start saying stuff that my husband didn't do much with them etc, that he found it hard work.

Feelings developed and I looked forward to seeing him, I know he was always looking out for me too. He has started to arrange coffee dates rather than just seeing me by chance.

Then one day my friend in front of me asked him when his wedding is? Turns out he is getting married in a couple months and he had not even mentioned a girlfriend to me. We had been chatting for about 4 months. I questioned him on it and he kind of wandered towards talking about his daughter and still now never mentions the wedding unless I bring it up, it's only a couple weeks away.

We have discussed the elephant in the room and nothing is going to happen however he doesn't think there is anything wrong with staying friends, he believes he has done nothing wrong (I know I have as confided in him about my marriage, but he has told me very very little about his relationship).

I think what we have is wrong, is what he is doing wrong. What do I do? I can't leave the situation as I am tied in to contract however he could leave at any time.

Simply answer - yes you are.

I have seen what it does to the married partner and if you knew you would just back off.
He has opted to give this fun, flirty side of himseld to you and ditto you are giving part of the best of you to this other man. Spend this energy on your DH as he should with his soon to be wife.

Read this loud and clear - he has chosen someone else to marry and you are just a future fwb in the making. you will become his outlet for when things are slow or his soon to be wife is busy (as she is now planning the wedding).

But something tells me you won't listen.

And don't think your DH hasn't noticed. He probably has unless he's in the throws of an EA himself or worse.

don't sleep walk into a whole life times regret. Sort it out with DH or end it, then flirt and have as many EA as your heart desires.

Yes, you are on dangerous ground: because if you were just chatting to your friendly client about the DC then it simply wouldn't take up this amount of your thoughts, nor would you be trying to work out his emotions/priorities etc.

I suggest you a) read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass and b) really look hard at your marriage. If it is as bad as you say, and if you are starting to prefer the company of men other than your DH, then it may be better to leave it cleanly (ie with no third parties involved) and then move on, rather than adding the (huge) additional pain/complication of doing so with an affair underway.

Feel sorry for his fiance actually. ah well - there's a future Mums netter in the making.

also read Chumplady
he's setting this up perfectly.
You will notice that he doesn't bring it up, that's his way of making you ok with it. out of sight out of mind. i mean come on, one of the biggest event in a person life and he doesn't mention it.
You're loving the attention of course.
I was at a wedding where the EA OW was at the wedding and you could see the bride, rushing around every time they were near. She was super perfect, laughed louder and it was really painful. on her wedding day.
and of course the groom, played it. had shots with this OW and poor bride just looked desperate.

Yes taking this all onboard, I know it's wrong. I said to him a few days ago do you think it's appropriate that you are coming to find me two days in a row for no reason, and he said he has loads of female friends and always has had, nothing is wrong.

The best solution is to rearrange schedule to minimise contact.

Yes you are. Back off, stop accepting invites for coffee, sort out your marriage.

You say he doesn't see anything wrong and he didn't even mention a partner let alone a wedding.

But you do think its wrong, so be the better person and let it drop.

You are part of his fantasy "in my other life I'm not bound to any woman and everything is free and easy"

In reality he's about to step up the aisle and commit to someone for life. This is huge denial / escapism on his part, which demonstrates what kind of person he is.

I know how you feel, I too had a close friendship with someone while I was married, he seemed interested in me, enjoyed being with my DCs (& his own) and was the total opposite of my then H. I had fantasies about being with him and although neither of us ever spoke about anything more than friendship, in my mind I felt that we would make a great couple.

Once I separated from H I ended up kissing this OM and it all fizzled out. It turned out that he was just a fantasy, a mental escape from my dreary marriage, which had always been problematic. It made me see that there were men out there who could be thoughtful and caring and sensitive, which gave me the push to leave my ex, but OM could have been anyone. He too had lots of female friends so I realised afterwards that to him, I wasn't special either.

See this as a warning sign, sort out your marriage or leave it, but not for this man, for yourself.