Think I was abused

[BadDreams]

Long time lurker, though long time lover of all things mumsnet here. (I own a BBH, mumsnet scarf, and have Pom bears, naice ham and a sneaky fruit shoot in my cupboards!) So apols for the horrid first post. I promise to go and start a more lighthearted one under a namechange in chat later.

I don't even know what I want from posting here. Some clarity I guess. An opinion on whether I'm overreacting. Or just tumbleweed if no one ever reads this. But I need to dump all of this out of my brain and get on with being happy mummy for my 2 DCs.

My parents split when I was 7, when I caught my dad having an affair with my mum's friend. A year later, and a few dodgy boyfriends later, my mum moved in one of our neighbours. By the time I was 9, they had gone on to have my DB and DS (twins) and were later married - so the neighbour became my stepdad.

The only thing is, I think my stepdad used to abuse me.

I was an early developer, starting my periods aged 10, and remember him standing behind me regularly, leaning over and stroking my chest.

There was one time when I remember asking him how adults kissed with tongues. He stood me up on a chair and 'showed me'. I clearly recall being quite upset by the sensation of his tongue on mine, and when I pulled away, he said to try again, and we did.

He regularly hit all of us (I have another younger DS who was my parents' too) so hard that it would be illegal nowadays - though things around smacking were different then). And I feel I was smacked publicly and privately for the slightest indiscretion, one time being beaten in front of all of my friends for wobbling on my bike when I was first learning.

He used to show me his penis and on a couple of occasions would give my mum naked massages in front of me, kind of lying his dick across her bum in a deliberate action, looking at me as he did so.

He also always had 'adult reading material' around.

I never said anything then, but I think adults knew, because one night when I was sleeping over at my godmother's, she sat me down and asked if my stepdad ever touched me, or stroked my chest - exactly what he did do. So I assume now, though in my youth then didn't question why she was asking me, she had seen or suspected something. I know she must have confronted my mum, because they fell out after that, and I never saw GM again. My mum never mentioned anything to me, however, after that the sexual stuff stopped, though the beatings continued.

I have always swept this to the back of my mind. My mum got very ill, mentally between my being 12-24ish, and daily survival was tough. It also meant that she had ECT on several occasions so cannot remember large chunks of my childhood. For that reason, I don't know, genuinely, if she remembers any of this.

It seems so long ago now. I am healthy, very happily married with 2 beautiful kids. My mum and stepdad have been separated about 6 years now, though still sleep together occasionally and argue constantly. Kind of love/hate. I get on really well with all my siblings. Don't want to upset them. It would rip the family apart if I ever mentioned it to anyone.

But I have been awake now since 4am, because I had a terrible nightmare about my STepdad forcing himself on me. When I had postnatal depression after my DD I couldn't get this stuff out of my head (I think my maternal instinct to protect my kids had kicked in, and I was even more revolted by my memories). I feel it is always in the back of my head.

My stepdad is also an active member of my old local church, and befriended a local vulnerable teenage girl recently to 'protect her from Facebook bullies', though WTF qualifies him to do this is beyond me.

I would never leave my kids alone with him, and now rarely see him.

I don't know what to do with this, or why I'm putting this out here. I know really I don't want to talk to anyone in RL about it. For one thing, my husband is so protective of me, and would likely kill him! And I just wouldn't want to do it to my DSs and DB.

But if he was doing that to me, that's not right is it? And was he/is he dong it to anyone else?? I would hate that on my conscience.

His behaviour was wrong, yours was not.

I advise you to seek therapy. Talking will help you make sense of your memories and help reduce the intrusive thoughts. I would urge you to rethink not telling your partner, but if not you can always say its related to childhood bullying.

Also, I think going to the police or church is your decision, but not your responsibility, if that makes sense.

Oh god you poor thing. Where to start, I would at some point tell your DH, but not now till you have managed to get a handle on it all.

Firstly, i would say you must report your ex-stepdad to safeguard this vulnerable teen he has "befriended". (I do not know who too though, more experienced Mners than me will hopefully be along soon to advise you.)

I think you would benefit from some counselling to help you deal with these buried feelings which are surfacing. i think it is normal when become a mother to revisit your own childhood. Since i had DS i have had counselling for dealing with my mother's emotional and physical abuse.

She had her reasons (too young, emotionally unstable herself. i have forgiven her as i understand the pressures of motherhood but i keep her at somewhat of a distance for my own sanity)

Anyway, i digress. Good that you are close to your siblings. I am sure that have all suffered from the abuse within the family and at some point in the future, perhaps you can broach it with them as you are probably not the only one suffering internal torment.

Thanks so much for your kind replies you two.

I think you're right, therapy may be a good step for me, though I am nervous that my sanity is a thin thread I don't want unravelling!

Thanks for sharing your experience, Squidgy. I am definitely more on 'high alert' I guess since having the children. Lots of parenting lessons learnt from my childhood on how NOT to do things!

very true that i am too trying not to repeat the parenting mistakes of my childhood.
i wonder if you could call the 101 police phone number to report your concerns about your stepfather regarding the teenager. (I no longer live in the UK so have never used it....)

I would highly recommend counselling, I have had it on and off for about 10 years. Weekly initially then gaps for a few years, now i see someone every few months. It has really helped me understand what normal relationships and family life should be like IFYSWIM? That and the wisdom of Mumsnet (I kid you not).

Contact NAPAC (National Association for People Abused in Childhood). They will listen, and help you get the advice you need if you decide to report him (which I do think you should).

Well there is no maybe about it you were definately abused. What are your siblings relationships like with your step dad? There is nothing to say that they are not suffering in silence too. I think you need to talk to someone in RL. Can you get in contact with your godmother. There is also an organisation called NAPAC which works with adult survivors of abuse. I think this may be an initial starting point and may be able to sort out counselling.
About the girl living with your stepdad you could speak to the police anonymously. Take care. X

Why don't you start by confronting your mother about why she allowed him to give her naked massages with his dick out, with you in the room?

He sounds vile. His behaviour was very inappropriate although it might not stand up in court as sexual abuse if you cannot say for sure that he touched you in a deliberately sexual way. The other stuff would be easy to explain away as accidental or misconstrued, although I don't doubt you for a moment.

And see if you can trace your Godmother. Ask why she asked you those questions. You may be able to build a clearer picture or what was going on, from an adult's perspective.

Yes, that was abuse. The stroking of your chest, the kissing, the beatings... All wrong.

The massage - wrong, in my opinion.

Pornography - it is sexual abuse to expose children to pornography.

I would also recommend therapy. There are counsellors who specialise in helping adult survivors of child abuse.

The best thing, once on the path, is to follow it. What this means is that it must come to the fore of your mind and into the light. It will be ok. There's an amazing book called the courage to heal......well donexxxx

Thanks for all your replies. I really do appreciate you taking time to respond. There's lots to think about, and support that I hadn't heard of before.

I hope you don't mind but I'm going to leave this thread now, and hope it disappears.

In the cold light of day, I am a coward.

I can't stand the thought of taking this further.

Buried is better, nightmares and all.

Thanks again.

I understand that you may not have the courage to take it further. Ultimately, and ironically it's because you don't want to be responsible for ruining anybody's life.

But you must go and seek some counselling for yourself, please.

If you're still reading, I'm really sorry about the abuse you suffered.

It's not buried though, and actually you can't bury the past, it's constantly with us. The more you try to block it, the more it will force itself on your consciousness.

It's quite a dangerous thing to try to attempt psychologically, because you could end up breaking down.

It's a great first step to have even posted this on here. Even if you draw back.

If you don't want to contact NAPAC for the moment, remember you can call Rape Crisis helpline at any time. (It's not simply for rape it's for any form of sexual abuse or violence current or historic). Please think over finding counselling with someone trained in sexual abuse....

It's a big thing to keep from your husband, & I would be devastated if my husband felt he had to try to keep something so serious from me.

My uncle abused me sexually, I went to the police when I was 22, I will say they were awesome and my uncle still resides on sex offenders register now. I have some memories that float in and out and the ones I went to the police with I struggled to get in date order. It didn't matter.

For me I felt a weight had been lifted once I'd got him prosecuted, but it's your choice totally.

You are not a coward. You are not responsible for stopping this vile excuse for a human being. You are not to blame for what happened and you don't have to report to anyone. What you say sounds like very clear and obvious abuse. I hope in time you'll feel ready to deal with it, it really is worth doing even though it can be incredibly hard.

How are you feeling?