My son is so angry with me after separation from his dad

[straightbananas]

I just don't know what to do and it is making me very sad. I split up from his dad last year and his dad moved out in March. His dad is one of those types who spends his life feeling sorry for himself - I initiated the split and it was definitely the right thing. He made me thoroughly miserable but son is so angry with me and feels terribly sorry for his father (daughter has said that ex makes a big play of this all the time when they are with him).

I am trying to stay the consistent parent but I am finding it very hard as son completely blames me for the split and I am not sure it is a good idea to explain rationally why that isn't actually the case (son is only 11, I don't expect him to grasp adult relationships).

Does anyone have any tips?

Thanks for posting this OP, we are also in a similar situation. Some very helpful advice there.
DS is very angry with me too. We have just managed to have a bit of a chat about it, and agreed we'll go to the park tomorrow after dark with some helium balloons & think about what we feel sad about and send up the balloons with the thoughts attached. This is something we did with his dummy when he grew out of it so its a bit of a tradition, but I think it has helped him knowing that, while the relationship ending is my decision, there is lots I feel very sad about too. And to have a way to mark it and these difficult feelings which are difficult to articulate.
Good luck.

Very helpful thread OP thank you! My DD2 was her DFs support after I left. She was so angry with me for ages. He used to cry in front of her and blame me. But now three years on things are better. She is away at Uni now and he has a new GF and is happy. We are back to our old mum and daughter ways. It just takes time.

Thanks everyone so much for contributing, it's been invaluable to me this thread.

Although I don't wish anyone was in the same position, it is so comforting to know other people are going through the same thing x

I know this is a really old one but I've found it so helpful, and hope someone else does too.

My husband and I separated just a month ago and my ds misses him terribly and is very sad and very angry and a lot of it is taken out on me.

It's heartbreaking and I wonder if we should do the family therapy route.

Any other advice would be really appreciated.

MY DH walked out when my son was 10 Op.

He directed anger at me, now in hindsight because I was the only one to really listen. I think also he pushed me to see how far I would go to save him. To see if I would leave him too.

He was referred to a group psychiatric course for kids of separated divorced parents.

I was slightly sceptical but desperate.

It really worked for him to have a space and place to talk and learn. He learnt other kids go through the same things and have the same feelings, he learnt that it wasn't his fault and what came out most importantly was that he learned not to feel guilty when enjoying time with the other parent.

I would never have had the insight to think on that but it was important for my DS. Therapy like that might tackle the underpinning problems for your DS too OP.?

On an aside I'd be tempted to call round to my ex and make it clear that he's thinking selfishly and hurting his son. And I'd keep trying until the message was understood.

Thanks for this. Nearly 5 weeks in here and I felt my ds is blaming me for leaving his emotionally abisive dad. Even though they get the brunt of his lack of patience and anger. I left his daddy is terribly sad and not holding it together and likes to argue with me still at drop offs Etc. But I sense the last couple of times he's softening and starting to work out for himself. I'm chatting with him a lot casually, he knows he can talk and the school offered a psychologist which he said he'd like. I'm hope I'm doing things right and even though I want to fall apart I think I'm doing as best I can. All in all they've got a more relaxed and happier although heartbroken mummy if that makes sense. I feel secure and in control again. I hoped they understand why one day and he will not blame me in the future. I know it's an old thread but I'd googled how to help children struggling and it came up. Thanks

Awful day with ds. I'm really struggling. I don't know what else to do or say to him. Think I'm going to have to go to gp and ask for Camhs referral for family therapist but even if we do meet the criteria, that wouldn't happen imminently. I think he could prob do with a day off tomorrow to do very little but I don't know if I can handle having him at home, I was really looking forward to a bit of quiet me time

I'm in this boat as well. exH told our teenage sons that he had to move out because I had falsely accused him of abuse and he was scared of what other lies I might make up about him.
This was all BS, in reality exH has been physical with DS2 and me but DS who is 15 thinks I have over-reacted.
THe boys are furious with me but its been very difficult to defend myself.

colouringinagain: how old is your son?

I had a horrible morning getting ready for school this morning, I was calm but it was tough. I know some of it is learnt behaviour form his dad, the inpatience and lack of control, and some of it is his age I guess and the situation we are in.

I guess all we can do is remain calm and patient and understanding for now while enforcing boundaries.

Nearlyfree17: I have no advice as yours are older, I imagine just reinforcing the message that they are not to blame and that you know it is tough for them but you had to do what is right for you all. I keep telling my son to trust me, because I have all our best interests at heart. Lots of love and talking.

pudding he's almost nine.

My ex (still can't cope with writing that) at least hasn't bad mouthed me to kids. He's finally got a bipolar diagnosis, but ds just sees daddy being silly or grumpy, not the reality. And we've not brought the illness into the explanation re separate houses as trying to keep message simple. Maybe we've made it too simple??

I'm heartbroken when I see the impact this has had on ds. We need to find better ways of him expressing his anger. This week has been particularly tough. I'm absolutely exhausted today.

to anyone in a similar situation.

colouringinagain: same age as my eldest. He sees ex crying, being really sad, saying he is lonely, so it is natural for him to blame me I guess.

The school have offered a psychologist and he has had two sessions (his behaviour at school is good). he is very strong willed and very clear about what he feels. He told me today he didn't need friends. Some of what he has said to me in anger I am sure has come from his dad, but I just keep talking to him. How is he at school?

maybe mentioning it to your GP is a good thing. Good luck its awful to see your children in pain :(

Thanks Pudding. Ds is seeing a counsellor at school who he has a good relationship with but I'm not sure what impact that's having. Ds tells me he can't cope with daddy living somewhere else. This week has made me question whether I've made the right decision. It feels like it's a choice between my sanity (better without dh, tho not this week) or my ds's wellbeing and future mental health (not that I'm catastrophising or anything!) but then I have to remind myself it's only 4 weeks since we told them (though feels like a lifetime)

You're entitled to your feelings and decisions about your life. So is your son about his. Don't try to convince him that everything is really right and ok. Just let him process. If you think he needs it, counselling might help. But don't try to impose how you see things on him- that will just drive the anger deeper and that will be worse in the long-term.

Also accept that there might always be part of him that was hurt by this. He might get over it, but it will always be a fact that it happened. You might need to work on building trust in other areas to restore some balance.

My exh left when my kids where dd10 & ds 13 1/2. My exh was/ is an abusive arse who treated me like dirt and he continued on with this behaviour til i went NC.

My ds went through a really hard time after he left, he wanted to destroy everything he touched when angry. We argued as he said i was stupid and knew nothing etc.
I got his dgd to help me when he got so angry that he just cried and cried. It broke my heart to see my ds like this, but i kept loving him and chatting to him no matter how cross he was.
Slowly but surely it got easier and now today the 3 of us are very close.