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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What's wrong with me? Feels like I'm cracking up.

14 replies

mimidolittle · 14/08/2013 23:32

Back story: DH has a weed addiction, when he goes for more than a few hours without it he gets very nasty and shouts/sometimes screams at me if I argue back. I know this is not the real him and for this reason we have been together 7 years. For the last few years he has tried (and failed) to quit.

He has tried very hard to rein in the worst of these episodes. A few years ago it was much, much worse and he even refused to accept it was the weed that caused these mood swings. So I do feel that there has been some progress.

Because he is currently trying to stop again, I have been getting shouted at a lot. He will come and apologise once he has calmed down and I usually get upset for a bit and then let it go. The last few days he has been so sweet to me but something has changed inside me. I feel so detached from my life and him (which has now caused another argument). I am struggling to look after the DCs. I am trying so hard to stay happy for them and focus on giving them the attention they deserve. But the only thing I want to do is be alone. I feel like I am like a ghost floating through my life. I feel totally cold inside.

I'm guessing that this is maybe some sort of depression? I do feel very down and severely stressed about financial issues as well.

I know that you will say to leave him, but I am currently in remission. If the worst happens to me DC have no one but DH. My parents are too frail and unwell to care for them. The best person for them is their father who up to now struggles to look after them even for a day as I do 99% of childcare. Also, the stress of a divorce would hit me very hard physically.

Any advice appreciated. I'm feeling very scared right now.

OP posts:

wifeymerrick · 14/08/2013 23:40

Really didnt want to read and leave ..haven't really got advice, maybe he is trying hard to stay off it but for u it's too little too late......when u say remission....did he smoke through ur illness x

Mixxy · 14/08/2013 23:45

Remission? Are you fearful that you might die? Is this what is prompting the concern over who would look after the DC? I would say you are very clearly depressed.

He really shouted at you while you had cancer? Oh OP, insist he gets help.

He can still be a great father and not be with you.

Original poster

mimidolittle · 14/08/2013 23:47

Thanks for replying. Yes he did. He has from the start of our relationship but I didn't realise at the time. It only got bad a year or so into the relationship and now he can't get out.

OP posts:

wifeymerrick · 14/08/2013 23:51

But u can hon, as previous post said he can still b a good dad but not in a relationship with u ....x

Original poster

mimidolittle · 14/08/2013 23:58

Hi Mixxy. Yes, I am scared I won't be around to look after them ( 4 and 7). I just need to stick around until they are 18, that's my goal. I don't know if I can.

I guess I'm scared that I'm not strong enough to go through a split. If I could "fix" him, that would be best. I know it's not that easy. I know that it has to be his decision to quit not me forcing him to quit. I'm worn out from everything.

Right now he is threatening to leave because he can't live with a "cold" wife.

OP posts:

Mrscaindingle · 15/08/2013 00:12

I'm sure you do know that depression is very common following a cancer diagnosis and given everything you are dealing with too I'd say it's not surprising you feel worn down and detached.
You really should go and see your GP and your DP really needs to stop shouting at you. Can you try and explain to him how you are feeling, would that help him to understand how you are feeling as opposed to getting at you.
And when you are feeling a bit stronger I would say LTB, but try and look after yourself first.

Mixxy · 15/08/2013 00:51

Oh this is very upsetting. Stop trying to manage his health and focus on your own. I feel very sorry for you mimi. Your not getting a lot of support.

differentnameforthis · 15/08/2013 03:00

I know this is not the real him and for this reason we have been together 7 years

It IS the real him. This is how he is. It may be because of the drug, it may not be, but how would you know if he has been on drugs the entire length of your relationship? The drugs may mask the real him. They may make the real him worse.

You can't fix him.

You can only hep yourself & your children, how you decide to do that, is up to you. But this IS him!

Chubfuddler · 15/08/2013 05:00

Agree with the others. This is the real him. I am so sorry about your illness, but think: whether your life will be long or short (and none of us can know that) is this how you want to live it?

He sounds like a total waste of space.

Chubfuddler · 15/08/2013 05:02

And your numbness and detachment are coping mechanisms to get you through the reality which is that at the hardest time of your life your so called husband is failing you. It's self preservation not coldness.

pleaseleave · 15/08/2013 05:20

this IS the real him.
My friend has an alcoholic husband who is utterly beastly to her when drinking. She too says this is not the real him.Of course it is .
Ask yourself if you can put up with this forever. If not, get out

gamerchick · 15/08/2013 05:30

Let him leave. Think of how all that shouting is affecting your kids.

Your can't get addicted to dope but you can get dependant on it.

turbochildren · 15/08/2013 06:32

Hello Mimi, what a lot on your plate. I have to echo the others in saying that sadly this is the real him. That is very upsetting to realise. The detachment and 'coldness' you describe sounds very much like self preservation. There is a point when there is enough to deal with, and to have someone shouting after you for 6-7 years is not conducive well-being. Let alone having someone smoking weed when you are very ill, and then topping it off with threatening to leave now that your coping mode has reached this state. I do agree that it would probably be a great relief if he does leave. It is so hard to have a substance abuser to deal with as well as children. With the substance abuser gone, it feels a lot more like a walk in the park as the unstable element is removed.
Would it be possible to get some counselling through your GP, as you are in remission?
Do you have any siblings that can help a bit?
and

AttilaTheMeerkat · 15/08/2013 06:59

As the others have stated you are seeing the real him. You've never seen otherwise.

You cannot fix someone this damaged and nor should you try, staying with him till the children are 18 is a ridiculous idea which could also damage your own relationship with your children. It will neither do you and favours mentally and physically to stay with such a man. They won't thank you for staying with such an individual and will wonder of you why you put him before them. The numbness and coldness are coping mechanisms, your H has and continues to fail you here as both a H and a parent.

Your DH only thinks of his own self, he is not the best person to look after you in any case.

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