Living like polite flatmates

[NotSoSmugMarried]

Have NC for this, apologies in advance if it's long.

Background - I'm 40-something, been with husband > 20 years, married for most of them, two primary school aged DCs. We both work (him full time, very long hours, me part time but I do virtually all housework/cooking/childcare etc). Don't get much time together without the kids being around.

We seem to have trouble communicating in any meaningful way, over and above day to day small talk (eg, how was your day at work? etc). When we first got together, we were much closer, and I would say for the first few years I felt I'd found my soulmate. We still agree about lots of stuff (money, parenting, house, holidays etc) and he is supportive and kind, but almost to the extent of being a bit too polite sometimes. (He had/has a dysfunctional relationship with his parents - the family spent all their time trying to keep his Mum sweet because she was prone to major screaming tantrums when things didn't go her way, including physical violence against DH's Dad, but it was never discussed and always brushed under the carpet.)

Our relationship now feels like that of flatmates who are good friends, but no more than that. Sex is very infrequent (maybe 3 times a year), almost always initiated by me, and to be honest there's a large element of me initiating it just so I don't feel guilty about how long it's been since the last time! Even if I give him a hug, he reciprocates, but it doesn't seem to occur to him to initiate one. DH has had intermittent problems with erectile dysfunction throughout our relationship, and I think sex has always been a bit of an ordeal for him, although when it works out I think he still enjoys it.

I've been wanting to broach the subject of loss of closeness/intimacy etc for months, but just can't seem to find the way to introduce the themes into conversation - it almost feels inappropriate, as if I wanted to discuss sex with some aged relative. I genuinely have no idea whether he is glad to be "let off the hook" sexually, or whether he would like to try and get back on track with that side of our relationship.

Has anyone been in a similar situation and how did you turn it round?

Thanks in advance for any help.

Can you get someone to take the kids for a weekend so you could have some concentrated 'adult' time, meaning for talking as well as anything else?

Does he have support on the dysfunction? Does he feel secure about your support on his!

The exclamation mark was not intended sorry

Thanks for your replies Snazzy and Himoutdoors. I think a short break away from the kids would be very beneficial because we could focus on being a couple again, rather than just Mum and Dad, but the difficulty we have is that we have no relatives who would be happy to have the kids overnight.
In the early years of our relationship, DH did have some psychosexual counselling re the ED and, to his credit, he organised it himself and attended every session, but it didn't seem very effective overall. To be honest, I accepted a long time ago that it was going to be a long term problem, and really what I want to aim for is to regain the closeness we once had, even if that doesn't include penetrative sex. It's just difficult to initiate the conversation, for some reason, and DH has a tendency to go into denial about any problems so the chances of him addressing it are nil. I feel lonely within my marriage and don't have anyone IRL with whom I can discuss all this.

Sorry, realised I didn't answer your question Himoutdoors, I have always tried to be supportive, never got angry/put demands on him or criticised him about it, so I hope he is sure of my support.

It is great that you are so supportive. You need to ensure that he does feel that he is being set up to perform. Perhaps if he knows that all you want is closeness and attention but it doesn't have to result in conventional pen sex. He needs to know that so that he doesn't back away. This will only frustrate you and the relationship further.

Can you play some sport or exercise or walk together.

Do you think your DH has some level of depression? A sign of depression starting can be withdrawl in the relationship - detachment and lack of interest emotionally/physically. Would he see the GP for a check up?

If you feel the relationship is not abusive in any way would your dh be open to having couples counselling? or if money is tight many charities and churches run cheap marriage recovery courses to help kick start lagging relationships.

I have just started reading "Hold me tight" - a book on on EFT therapy to help couples reconnect and it seems very wise - there are exercises to do to rebuild emotional bonds and intimacy.

That's good advice Himoutdoors, I feel it would be easier to initiate a conversation about how we're not as close as before, without bringing sex into it for now. The difficulty with spending time together doing hobbies, or going to counselling, is lack of childcare once again, although I know that sounds like an excuse, and in the short term we could look at paying private babysitters for a few sessions maybe.
Thanks very much for the book recommendation jane, will have a look at that. I doubt he is depressed, because he seems quite cheerful even despite a demanding job, and I wouldn;'t say he is detached - he's still very attentive in asking about my day etc, it's just all very platonic! He hasn't given me any indication that he's unhappy about the way we are...

I am more worried about you as he is happy and I sense that you are not. Is there a relative or friend that can babysit whilst you go for a brisk walk or jog together?

How old are DH and the children?

DH is early 40's, like me.
DCs 10 and 7.

Is there a local tennis club with Sunday morning tennis that you can all play? Or similar?

We try and do stuff as a family at weekends where possible (although I always suggest/organise everything; another bugbear I'm afraid!) but the focus is on the kids. Babysitting-wise, we don't have any relatives keen to babysit while we do fun stuff (my parents do help out in school hols etc but try to keep it to a minimum as they get tired quite easily). We are reasonably good at getting along, and showing affection, as a family (occasional spats excepted) but have lost the sense of being a couple or any having any romantic side. I feel as if DH wouldn't notice if my head fell off, as long as his meals kept appearing on the table/kids got picked up from school etc etc!
Thanks for all your help and suggestions Himoutdoors, I appreciate it.

Sounds as though you sub consciously want him to show a bit more drive, desire, passion. Which is why I was wondering whether he is physically fit/mildly competitive in an attractive way.

My pleasure. You have a good relationship base to build on.

All your focus is on supporting him. Why shouldn't you be 'allowed' within your marriage to address your own un/happiness?

Your feelings are as valid as anyone's, regardless of any psychosexual disfunction.

I'm afraid you have to tell him that you're unhappy with the status quo and feel as you've described, like polite flat mates. I wouldn't even bring the ED into it until he does.

Staines, you are so right - I do spend all my time fulfilling the needs of the family and I'm like I'm no more then a cross between a personal secretary and a housekeeper. The irony is, he is basically a "nice" person who usually hates hurting people's feelings, so as you say it's up to me to make him aware of how I really feel.
"Drive, desire, passion"...hmmmm, not words that spring to mind re DH - he does do one sport, but it's not a team sport and he doesn't have a competitive nature.

I think that the relationship needs some counselling, subtle intervention. For a starter maybe ask him what he wants from the relationship. You can then say what you want. Do you have fun/ laughs together?

Re reading thread your DH needs to urgently pay attention to your relationship/needs.

He can do more for YOU even with ED but it would be easier for third party to say so or for him to be led to the self realisation.

Hi NotSo

How are things?