contact for ex and children

[turbochildren]

I'm just wondering if anyone has any wise words to offer. My ex has bail conditions and the police said contact must be supervised. The children, at least the oldest two, would like to see him before we move abroad. I have had some contact again with xmil for the benefit of the children, and to ease the moving as exP's stuff is still in the house and needs to be moved etc.

She has now told me how very expensive contact has been in the past (his choice and arrangements), is telling me I have no idea. I have suggested contact centres, which I have investigated, as cost is fraction of what he has paid before, he doesn't need a solicitor etc. She has now come back saying they are not suitable and would not have her child or grandchildren going through such an experience. I've had a look at website, and at the local one, and they are fine. Not 5-stars, but fine.
I'm aware she is heavy on the emotional blackmail, and I've been very much just sticking to the facts in our exchange.
I'm wondering if anyone has a bright idea, otherwise it'll be no contact before we move.

Contact centre is fine. Call the centre and visit . It will probably be like local library or school. Area for play toys etc. it won't be five star no, but that is life. The dc need to be safe.

Thanks for messages. Am sticking to contact centres. The x'es have form for pushing and the 'poor hard working ex' routine. But as I just spoke to the police a few days ago, and had confirmed (for umpteenth time) that what he has done is pretty bad, my sympathy has not come flooding forth this time. That is progress.
The other thing is that particularly one of the kids is missing his dad. I've said that daddy has to make an appointment at a special house, and then let me know so they can meet him there. Feel I've done my bit now.
luckily we are all excited about new life :)

Just writing this to vent really. Latest email is announcing that she has put up with enough, and that I'm preventing a loving and caring relationship to develop between her and GC because they must travel hundreds of miles to see them. We have always lived in different countries, as her darling son would not live close to any family. She often came to visit England, but was too busy to see the boys, or had only a few hours spare, or did not show up on the day, but arrived the following day. A particularly sad example was my oldest dressing up smartly and waiting a full day, from 11am in the morning, but they had "forgot" and been elsewhere that day. It was 'quality over quantity'. She actually said that. I now have had to spell out to her, that I withdrew the courtcase, not for my benefit, because I would have gotten orders to deal with the children and the fucking passport myself, but for the benefit of her sodding son. I have, yet again, tried to be sooo amicable, and they are just sooo fucking insidious. She even said that if my youngest is autistic, that she could not bear to read about it as it made her depressd! WTAF. It's all about her. She insists that I really have no idea, about anything according to her, not about how reporting strangling might put darling son in prison, not about solicitors cost, not about contact centres.
And still I'm trying to keep it all nice so that kids can see granny. I feel I have achieved a whole new level of stupid. Angry now!

Oh good grief, Viking, yes your xmil sounds like mine! What I have put him through, how will he ever get a job etc. And that you made him a criminal record. It is priceless. In a sad way. I agree though, I would never want any of this for my children, on the dishing out or receiving end.
It's taken me quite some time to come to terms with it not being my fault. I know it isn't, but then feel guilty anyway, feel sorry for him etc. (he was a massive twunt always making out it was me making his life hell, despite him being an alcoholic, that he felt he wanted to kill himself, that if I only changed it would be better, if I only did certain things in the bedroom it would be better and so on, for years. Then started the physical attacks, and then it all went to hell in a handcart.) I find I can see it very clearly when it's happening to others, but when it is your own life it doesn't feel so black and white. Now it is, though. I had a rambling conversation with the police and it helped settle my thoughts on the matter.
He has a job, but pays £0 in child maintenance. She also keeps saying I have no idea, I cannot possibly understand the consequences of MY actions and so on. I actually replied this morning and said in no uncertain terms that I withdrew the court case for HIS benefit (not the one prosecuting him, but the one where he would lose any say over the kids), and that she can give it a rest with the 'you cannot understand A,B or C, because actually I can. I got angry, which is new for me, and it was great.
It is just madness, if my son did anything like what his father did I would be so very angry with him.
Oh yes, she hoped I never had to experience what she had (knowing her son had been arrested.) That was a wonderful moment when it sunk in what she meant by that...
I'm venting here, but it's better than stewing and then the kids notice.
All being well we are off in a month. Bloody hell, I should hope it'll sever the "relationship" with the xmil! [rant over] sorry for repeating myself!

Oh, I want to cry and I can't. More emails generally trampling over all the boundaries I set. That my moving home is so that children will never see father or x-fam-inlaw again, that I cause them so much grief and bereavement, and the children, and that they just want a close loving relationship and I'm blocking that. How many times can I say please go to a contact centre? I'm not preventing xmil seeing the children they can come and see them here, I've said dad has to see them via contact centre. There's a case being investigated, I don't want to see him myself!
I'm so worried they he's going to mess about with the passport, and delay and delay until I give in. Old tactics, and I'm still freaking out about it.
I even gave all the details on how to get to where we are moving, prices (less than£100 for return flights) that when all is done I will take children to England for meetings, that in future holidays can be arranged.