I need closure after losing my friends but I cant get it

[whycantimoveon]

Sorry this may be long, but I will try and condense.

I have suffered from anxiety and depression for about 3 years, I think it could be bipolar, because I have tremendous highs and lows. I am not on any medication as it made me feel weird and had terrible side effects.

I have had quite a severe 'low' for about 8 months, from Xmas until about a month or so ago. Mainly because of circumstances in my life (separated from husband 2 years ago, had a very bad breakup with new love, financial difficulties and health issues)

My 2 closest friends knew about my depression as well as the problems I have had.

I sometimes drink too much and do and say silly things.

In March this year I did just that. After that my 2 friends started being odd with me, leaving me out of events and ignoring my calls. It was very gradual and every time I asked them they said I was being paranoid and silly. There were also another few of my friends (5 altogether) who cut contact with me.

I said to one that I felt I must be a bad person if they didnt want to be friends with me any more, her reply was that I was (amongst other things) 'defensive, argumentative and thoughtless' but not a bad person. This confused me a lot and I didnt dare say anything in case I was any of those things.

I stopped going out and spent all of my days off work and when I didnt have the children in bed crying.

Another friend came round to see me and I told her everything, she said they were completely wrong and that I was none of those things, I was just going through a bad time and friends should understand that. She rallied and another couple of friends spent almost all their spare time with me, bringing me back up and getting me back on my feet.

I am much better now and can see everything clearly. I know that I did nothing wrong (apart from maybe saying a couple of daft things whilst drunk) and I did not deserve to be treated like I have been.

I have also found out that these women have been telling others that I am an awful person and should be avoided. One even rang the friend who has helped me to tell her that she needed to be wary of me.

I am strong enough to deal with it all now and rise above it, but I feel like I cant properly move on until I have the answers as to WHY?? I texted one of the friends to ask them and she texted me back to say stop 'harassing' her. I texted the other friend and her boyfriend rang me to say that he would send someone round to 'sort me out' if I bullied his girlfriend again.

I want to know what has happened to my friends. Or what I did that was so bad that they want to hurt me so much. We were friends for over 20 years, how can they suddenly hate me so much?

I am very lucky that I have other friends, but I feel bereaved, I feel like years have been taken away from me with no explanation.

Im sorry if the above sounds strange, but it is strange!! I wish I could just move on.

Move house if you need to. i considered it too. But frankly, once i had found my voice and realised that my opinions were just as valid as theirs, i stopped worrying about that too. I am still in my house, still with crapulous neighbours. i don't engage with them. I'm too busy having fun in my garden with genuinely nice people.

Vivacia I don't think you're bein very helpful, concentrating on the OP being a drunk alcoholic an all. Doesn't sound like that to me...sounds like her shallow mates ran out of sympathy as soon as she ran out of money.

Thank you BBQ I do appreciate your kind words :-)

Vivacia I really am not an alcoholic, my 'friends' drunk as much as I did/do. And I have never changed in 20 odd years.

And if it is that, then why no explanation?

You told them to fuck off and they did just that op. I think you need to move on from the whole episode and give them the respect of being left alone that they ask for.

I agree with Vivacia though, I wouldn't tolerate verbal aggression from a drunken 'friend' and would distance myself quite dramatically from you. I'm sorry if that's not what you want to hear, but it's pretty evident that that is what has happened. Your other friends may be telling you what you said is okay and they would be fine to be spoken to like that, but that is their choice to make.

Well, you told them to fuck off. And you say you have form for saying 'silly' things like that. Maybe they have just had enough of it?

Again I'm not laying all the blame at your door but you can't identify yourself comfortably as the blameless victim here. Take responsibility for what you've done, accept their decision.

That doesn't mean they aren't or haven't been arses, situations are never that simple.

But focus on your remaining friends, and how you'd like to treat them.

OP, if you think you have Bipolar, please see your GP and request a referral to psychiatric services. It is important to get a proper diagnosis and treatment.

Your friends, some of them longstanding, have distanced themselves from you. This indicates that you have quite a problem and certainly one worth investigating. You say very little about what actually happened, but I have to say that it sounds as though they did so to protect themselves rather than hurt you.

Respect their wishes and do not contact them once they ask you not to. They cannot give you the closure you need, you must get help to do this yourself. Good luck.

Having a problem with alcohol isn't about how much you drink, really. It's about whether your drinking adversely affects your life.

Don't fall into the trap of thinking that, just because X can drink 5 (or however many) glasses of wine (or whatever) and still be her same lovely self, you can too. It sounds like you can't. And if you both drink 5 glasses of wine then that's a possible indication that you have a problem even if she doesn't,

I've accepted that the OP's not an alcoholic if she says she's not (although I think she describes a problem with drink). My point about not wanting to be around somebody who behaves like this when drunk still stands

I agree that it sounds as though they're not the kind of friends she needs at this time.

I didnt say I was blameless, I have spent weeks and weeks feeling like absolute shit, I am now starting to feel better and I want some closure.

I dont think I had better come back on here, this isnt about me not wanting to hear things, I have 'heard' everything about what a horrible person I am I dont need to hear it again, I wanted to know how I could move on and put the past in the past.

Your friends, some of them longstanding, have distanced themselves from you. This indicates that you have quite a problem

This makes me very sad :-( my other friends have spent months trying to convince me that isnt the case. I believe them now. Thats shows that the 'pack mentallity' really is there. Because more than one person does something, it must be right.

You're missing the point, OP! You need to accept their response, take responsibility - it doesn't make you the bad guy....it's just the only positive way forward.

You told them to fuck off? Well, then I think you have to accept they don't want to continue the friendship. Just let it go. You don't know what is going on in their lives, and they might just have come to the end of the road with the friendship. It happens. I have to invest all my emotional energy in my family and don't have endless reserves for friends. I have also distanced myself from someone who needed more than I could comfortably give. Doesn't make either of us arseholes, just incompatible.

I think maybe the response 'stop harrassing' them is fairly telling tbh.
It may be that you are just too full on with them and demanding
Mental health issues can make this happen while you seen perfectly normal to you! Hope you don't take offence at that I am speaking from experience. :)

Intensity drives people away. I also think you are over analysing the situation which in turn increases the intensity .
I sadly think yor relationship has gone past the point of no return

My advice is to move on and find new friends Try not to be too needy with them. Keep it light and less intense. Try joining a night class or a fitness class where you can meet new people

When I said that your friends leaving you indicates that you have "quite a problem", I was refering to possible MH problems as you yourself mentioned. It was not meant as a personal attack Why and if you chose to see your GP, you should mention it.

I think your obsessive need for "closure" is probably an aspect of the instability you are experiencing at the moment and I concur with the poster who said you should seek professional help. Unpleasant though it is to lose friends especially when you feel partly to blame, it (and they) are not worth the energy you are expending on this and when you are back on an even keel you will see that.
I think you want "closure" because you want to be able to avoid an explanation for their desertion which you are frightened of. it might help a bit to think about and confront what that is. Therapists who help people with obsessive rumination (which I have suffered from, albeit on a different theme) talk about the "black box of awfulness". What is in this particular black box of awfulness? What is the explanation you are so frightened of? Confront that, and I think you may find it easier to move on.

OP, really sorry but reading this through, I think you just became 'hard work'. Some people just don't have it in the to stick to their mates when things go wrong for a long period of time. The drunken episode may just have been the last straw. When things were bad for you, perhaps you were needy and a bit self centred?

I'm guessing they have decided between them that they've had enough.

Not saying its nice behaviour or the way true friends behave but hey, ho.

Also,sorry to be blunt, but I like a drink as much as the next girl but I have never, ever told a friend to fuck off. Neither drink nor depression is an acceptable reason.

I hope you will find new mates, maybe even reconnect with some old ones but friends are truly precious and need treating that way. Giving parties and paying for taxis is nice and generous but still doesn't equate to a true friend which is very much a two way thing.

Sorry if I sound hard, I do mean to help. Do some soul searching about yourself then move on.

"needy and a bit self centred"?? Well yes, when people suffer from depression they do tend to be those things. Who'd a thought it, eh?
"Soul searching" is not helpful, unless undertaken in a proper therapeutic context. You don't need to beat yourself up. you need to get proper professional help.

Karlos,

If you read my post through I do clarify that the friends didn't step up during the OPs time of need. I fully agree that being needy and self centred is depressive behaviour. My point was that not everyone can or will stay the course.

I really hope things improve and agree professional help would be great but isn't always easy to access.

Some people just cannot & will not cope with illness. I discovered this when I had a (physical illness) in my late teens/early 20s.

It's not necessarily the length of a friendship but the depth that counts. Some people's relationships are quite shallow, all is fine in the good times, but cold wind blows & they're off.

It's in the bad times that you discover who your friends really are.