Watching them move on

[Khayman]

I separated back in july with my partner of 11 years. 3 kids together. One of the hardest things has been watching them move on with their lives.

My marriage had been in trouble for a few years, i had been suffering from ocd and not getting treated. Put alot of strain on the relationship.
My wife asked for a separation earlier in the year and with a dying father i did not want to put the stress on him. Stupid i know.
On my side i watched my wife getting more distant, evenings spent watching someone becomng a virtual stranger plugged into the net talking to past boyfriends etc. she told me her flirting had got out of hand with one person and when she could percieve herself with him more than me it was time to go.
I didnt handle the break up well and tried desperately to fix things but pushed her further away. Its hard watching someone you love so much dissapearing infrontbof your eyes. Literally hundreds of miles.
A month later and she looks so happy, smiling again. Im happy she is in a good place but ive found it so hard listening to her plans to move forwards, meeting bisexual female friends, thinking of dating/sex with other people and trying to change her body in from when we were together. Being acman people would tell me to man up etc but men do have feelings too, hearts that can be broken etc. just hoping in times things will get easier.

I'm sorry Khayman, that sounds shit. I agree there is a lot of pressure on men to stuff feelings down, and it doesn't help the process at all.

One thing though - why are you having to listen to her plans? She's made her choice to end the marriage, she doesn't get to keep you on as a best mate - that's part of what she has to give up. Of course, be civil and freely discuss anything to do with the children, but politely cut off conversations that are all about her (or you, for that matter). Let her discuss her plans with her friends. She's being quite cruel in involving you. You need to start seeing you and her as separate units, then you'll be able to move forward.

At present we are not mates, i think some of the comments were made to show me she is moving on, fair enough as i was quite persistant at first in trying to fix things, way too much contact. Im trying very hard now to just facilitate kids contact only.

It WILL get easier with time, you'll go through cycles for a while and have bad days and think you're back to square one - but you won't be. You're making progress, every day that passes gets you further away from the break-up. And your kids need all the emotional energy from you they can get, they won't be "moving on" from you.

Thanks, it's been hard because the kids are with me whilst she sets up her house but they want to talk everyday which has ended with me talking each day, oldest is 8. Also when she visited just over a week ago she wanted to keep the physical part of the relationship in place in a no strings kind of way. That was never going to work.

Yes Viking, contact arrangements for kids were sent to me by her solicitors very early on. Every 2 weeks and school holidays.

Physical part of relationship alive

Well done In coming this far I would stop talking to her daily unless something about the children needs to be discussed. When she begins to talk to you about her new life be straight and tell her your pleased she is happy but wish to hear or discuss details and ask her only to discuss her new partners with your prior to introduction to chdren or something like that.

Would that work better for you maybe?

Stupid phone! Should say do not wish to discuss details