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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Deal breaker?

17 replies

Fairyloo · 14/08/2013 08:41

Been with my partner 13 years? Have a ds (8). Dp has always Ben fairly resistant about having another one and I have kind of accepted this.

Now my feelings have totally changed and I'm like a women possessed wanting another child. Discussed at length and he really doesn't want it. Feels we are lucky with one ds and starting again would be too much.

I feel heartbroken, I don't want ds to be an only child (only just started feeling like this though?) I feel desperate for a baby.

So it's a definite no no. Do I walk away from my lovely life and start again.

Resign myself and be grateful for my ds and my life?

At the moment I want a baby more then I want my Dp but think this broodiness is making me mad.

Good relationship, great dad. No real problems.

I want a baby soooo much!!!!!

OP posts:

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 14/08/2013 08:57

Common problem on the board. Similar thread yesterday.

First up, just so you know, there's nothing wrong with being an only child. Lots of us were, and lots of grew up into strong, healthy independent people without any issues or feeling that something was missing but not having a sibling. And remember siblings don't always get on.

It is perfectly possible that you may end up resenting your DP and split later. Remember that his feelings are as valid as yours, there is no right or wrong. You may decide that the desire for another baby is greater than the love you have for your DP and leave. But there is no guarantee you will meet someone else who wants a baby with you. Or you could just become a single parent and use a donor if you're that desperate for a baby, any baby. You could split up, and one day tell your current child that you did love his/her dad but you left him because you loved the idea of another baby more. Or you may find, as others do, that you can live with this because, this apart, you have a lovely man, lovely homelife and in a few years you won't even think about it.

No right or wrong. Just an awful lot of soul searching I'm afraid.

Hippychickster · 14/08/2013 09:25

There is absolutely no compromise here. One of you has to totally give in. I really really feel for you, because it's a decision only you can make.

I agree with what JBF said. I think I would feel so resentful that I would end up leaving anyway, but that's just me.

hellsbellsmelons · 14/08/2013 10:51

I feel heartbroken, I don't want ds to be an only child
Why?
I don't understand when people write things like this.
There are plenty of only children in the world and they are fine.
You only have to look at some of the threads on here to see how some siblings hate each other and do not get on!
Some people can't have any children at all and would love to have one child.
Having said that - this sounds like a deal breaker for you.
But JBF speaks much sense.
How long will it take you to find another partner who wants a child with you?
How old are you now?
I think you both need to write out pros and cons and sit down and discuss how another child will impact you in good and bad ways.

Original poster

Fairyloo · 14/08/2013 12:48

At hells "I don't want her to be an only child" for lots of my own personal reasons I'm not saying there is anything wrong with being an only child but I don't want only one child is more the point.

It's not a bashing only children thread

OP posts:

peggyundercrackers · 14/08/2013 13:17

sorry i think you would be mad to walk away from your dh because you have changed your mind and now want another child. I also think it would be very hard to justify to your ds why he is now part of a broken family - i think your ds would resent you for breaking a family up because you became a woman possessed - i know if i was a child in your ds position i would be thinking but what about me...I couldnt/wouldnt forgive my mum if she done that.

JessicaBeatriceFletcher · 14/08/2013 13:38

Fairyloo - the fact that you say you have personal reasons for her not being an only child DOES suggest that, in your mind at least, there IS something wrong with being an only child.

You want another child. What if your DH changed his mind (I'm not suggesting he should) and two years down the road you decide you want a third? Would you consider leaving him if he didn't give in when you had two?

I want lots of things. Unfortunately doesn't mean I can have them, so I learn to accept what I have. But then I am from the school where I can never understand why someone would leave a loving partner, a genuinely good home life/marriage and split up a existing family just because they want another child. Doesn't sound much like love and spending your life with someone, more like you just want someone to give you babies regardless.

Am not specifically saying you are like that, OP, just how it can often come across in some threads of a similar kind.

ImperialBlether · 14/08/2013 14:26

If I were a man I'd hate it if my wife wanted another child more than she wanted me.

It would be hard to start all over again with another child. An 8 year difference is difficult - it would be 9 by the time another baby could be born. You live a different kind of life once your children are older and it sounds as though that life appeals to your husband more than another child would.

I'm divorced and have to say if you've got a really good husband who is a great dad, think very, very carefully before you leave him on the off chance you'll meet someone similar who wants a child with you. You won't see as much of your 8 year old - your husband could go for shared custody - and another man could come along with a hell of a lot of baggage.

Mosman · 14/08/2013 14:36

Apart from the second child issue is everything else ok or would this work well as a good excuse to leave, the justification you've been looking for ?

Original poster

Fairyloo · 14/08/2013 15:25

Thanks guys slot of soul searching I think

OP posts:

str8tothepoint · 17/08/2013 18:50

Leave your DP find someone who will give you a second child, your being tough on DP by saying you want a child more than DP. Cherish what you have already as your relationship doesn't seem to be bad at all, you appear a good family just work at remaining together and happy

SleepyCatOnTheMat · 17/08/2013 20:43

There is nothing wrong with wanting more than one child. It's not something people like to think about, but what if you have just the one and something happens to them? I knew a woman who had one child, split up with her husband and one day (when it was too late for her to have any more children) looked at her son and thought 'If anything ever happens to him life will be unbearable'. So she forced herself to get out there and date and find a partner so that she no longer depended on her son to meet all of her emotional needs. Maybe to some people that will sound somewhat selfish, but I've always thought it was rather sensible.

Very difficult situation OP, I feel for you. Has your DP always been against the idea of more than one child or did he once entertain the possibility? Maybe relationship counselling would help?

P.S. I'm an only child and it's ok, but I always quite fancied having brothers and sisters, and now I'm facing the prospect of looking after my ageing parents alone.

Sugary · 17/08/2013 21:10

We had the same problem - I wanted another but he liked things as they were. I asked my husband where the compromise should be as i felt like I'd never get over not havibg another baby. He agreed to compromise as he felt that having another would be easier for him, whereas not having another would be difficult for me. He didn't regret it and absolutely loves having two girls!

elinorbellowed · 17/08/2013 21:15

People I know with a big gap say it's a bit like having two only children anyway. Had you always agreed to just have one? If so, you CAN'T leave him over this. It's far far better for your child to be an only and to have both parents together than to have a half-sibling or a sibling with a reluctant father.
Do you have nieces and nephews? Friends with small children? I have a godson, and a sister about to give birth and a best friend that's TTC and all of that fulfils any broodiness that crosses my mind.

Nanny0gg · 17/08/2013 22:03

It's not just your lovely life. You would separate your DS and his father for the chance (and it's only a chance) that you could have another child?

How grateful will your DS be for this potential sibling?

KnittedC · 17/08/2013 22:31

I once heard someone on here say that broodiness is not 'cured' by having a baby, it comes and goes independently. I don't know that for sure but something about it rings true for me. Would having a baby truly make you feel more resolved?

Twinklestein · 17/08/2013 22:42

It's a big risk to think you'll find another man to take on your child & love him as much as his real father. Step-parenting is very tricky. And you could end up with just the one child and no husband...

I'm sure if you asked your son, he'd rather you stayed together in a secure unit than you strike out on a wild gamble of possibly providing him a sibling..

Personally I think broodiness is hormonal, it's one of evolution's ways of ensuring the human race survives.

Anniegetyourgun · 17/08/2013 23:38

Had you always agreed to just have one? If so, you CAN'T leave him over this.

I disagree with that statement. People have every right to change their minds and the OP certainly CAN leave the relationship any time she wants to. Whether it would be wise is a different question.

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