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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

tips on getting over someone?

15 replies

VelvetSpoon · 14/08/2013 08:29

Am finding this hard - I was dating a man for about 7 months until earlier this summer when he silently dumped me (stopped returning my texts etc).

I am the sort of person who likes/needs closure (I've always given reasons to people I finished with, hell I even make sure I've given proper feedback to people I interview at work, or houses I looked round when I moved last!) so I have struggled with it just all ending so abruptly and without a 'reason'.

From past experience I know that when I've had a reason (or given one if it was me ending it) I got over it very quickly, a few days, week at most.

With this, I'm still thinking about him a couple of months on, even though I know its pointless to do so. I even found myself looking on his FB last night to see if he had met anyone new...

OP posts:

missbopeep · 14/08/2013 08:33

How long is it since he dumped you?
In your case I'd be tempted to email or write and get it off my chest but that's just me, and I don't think it's the best move- especially after just 7 months which is a short relationship.

You can judge if it would be right for you.

The other option is to write the letter then burn it- don't send.

The only other advice I can think of is to remind yourself what a prize shit he is for treating you like this so you are well rid of- but I know that doesn't help now.

GetStuffezd · 14/08/2013 08:38

My best friend's advice in these situations is invariably to take a shit on his doorstep/send him a shit in a Jiffy bag, etc. Which does make me smile, but doesn't really help...
All I can think of is what an awful way to dump someone. Again, it might not help now, but be thankful you haven't permanently attached yourself to someone who treats women in this way. It's the mark of a bloody coward!

Nothing wrong with FB stalking though it doesn't really help. Long and short is, you can't really get over him until you allow your mind to just...stop thinking about him.

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 14/08/2013 08:48

I last heard from him (I think) at the end of May - my phone deletes texts after 60 days and I have a text I sent him mid-June (asking if I was going to see him again, as he'd gone silent) so I think it mustve been a little bit before that.

I know its a crappy, cowardly way to dump someone. I am trying to remind myself its not a nice way to behave, and maybe shows he's not the nice, kind person I thought he was.

OP posts:

cookielove · 14/08/2013 08:53

I personally think thd best way is to keep busy. To be fair I still look at both my ex's fb pages once in a while as I am rather nosy! And I'm happily married :)

Viking1 · 14/08/2013 09:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 14/08/2013 10:16

I am trying to keep busy - I am trying to lose weight/ get fit so going to SW weekly, plus zumba, going out walking with one of my friends, other stuff. And work and children. Its late at night I find he often pops into my head. Or if I see certain things that remind me of him (like trailers for the new Alan Patridge film, we both loved the series - and could quote from it! - and were really looking forward to the film coming out..)

Don't know if I'm convinced there are other people (better or not) out there for me, it took me a very long time to meet him. So if there are others, it may be a long old while til they turn up, if at all!

I will try the pushing thoughts away, I think that may well help :)

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howdidithappen · 14/08/2013 15:00

Sorry for the way you were dumped. Similar thing happened to me in Jan... dumped by txt after a very passionate relationship of 10 months. It hurt like hell and to some extent still does. For me it was not getting a reason, or at least a chance of a face to face explanation and the brutal way it was ended.

I kind of got my own closure by writing down all the things I wanted to say and how I felt. Kept the letter for a few days then shredded it. Then I basically purged her from my life... all old photos deleted, all massages, emails, numbers ... everything! Was very cathartic actually.

Outside of that I remembered the plus sides of being single... I could cycle more, arrange social nights out just thinking about myself and even booked a holiday for myself and my two daughters.

Your doing all the right things by keeping busy and "getting out there", but ultimately, time is the only thing that will make it better. Good luck, there is someone out there for you.

Dont worry about the FB stalking though... I still cant resist the odd peek. Its completely normal.

Dating huh ? Its rubbish :)

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 14/08/2013 21:39

Thanks how :)

Being dumped by text is harsh, sorry that happened to you. It is hard I think when you don't get proper closure.

I'm going to write (and of course not send!) a letter, hoping that will help a bit getting my feelings down on paper. I
Wish I hadn't looked at FB yesterday, its made me miss him more (saddo aren't I!).

I suppose if I could convince myself that chances are I will meet someone else I might feel better. Think I have a bit of a way to go before I believe that though...

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howdidithappen · 15/08/2013 11:34

Hang in there... it does get better. And no your not sad... Like I said I still look up her FB every now and again.. you wouldn't be human if you didn't have a nosey!

TheMagicToyshop · 15/08/2013 11:57

Letter sounds like a great idea. Also maybe try and make a list of all his bad points (the manner in which he dumped you being number one) that you can look at when your mind drifts on to him. I know from experience that you can really start to idealise exes when you didn't get closure.
Also from my experience, please de friend on FB. For me this was really hard as I used FB as a bit of a crutch to feel connected to him but it was so unhealthy and always took me back a step as you say. But my sister was still friends with him so she agreed I could look at his profile from hers if I asked (who's a saddo now?!). This made it easier to let go, and of course in the end I never asked her to look at his profile - that extra step I would have had to take stopped me every time. Could you do something like this?

Original poster

VelvetSpoon · 15/08/2013 12:13

We're not friends on fb, we never were, he doesn't really use it. Or didn't. But has recently added a new (female) friend, who I suspect may be his new gf. Trying not to think too much about that at the moment.

I wish I could be angry with him, I think most people would expect me to be over the crappy way he finished it, but I'm not.

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janesnowdon1 · 15/08/2013 12:34

Dumping by silence and no contact is the worst - it is so cowardly but I too find it the most hurtful. I agree with other that deleting his number and contacts and keeping busy are good ways to go- but before you do you could send him one last text with what you wrote upthread about it being a crappy way to dump someone and that he is not the nice person you thought he was...

I think the silent dump is because they want to avoid facing the fact they are being crappy. He will probably not reply to the text but at least you will have confronted him . Back in the old days before texts I phoned a guy after he had effectively dumped me by silence and confronted him. It was quite fun listening to him squirm and his paltry excuses. I met him years later and he remembered how bad it made him feel. At the time my friends thought I had demeaned myself in some way though.

kumamon · 16/08/2013 07:01

I was dumped over the phone last year, which I thought was bad enough. He admitted he wanted to do it by text too. Think he thought this was being the slightly better person. I DID email him the next day, and then regretted that for ages. But then decided not to beat myself up for taking the chance to say what i thought.

It did hurt for a while, and I did idealise him. But a year later and I could not give a single fuck about him. The Facebook thing is normal, but I've only given in twice - which I think has helped massively. I've now met someone I am much, much happier with - so look to the future! It gets better, but help yourself get there sooner by avoiding Facebook stalking. You can do it!

SarahBumBarer · 16/08/2013 13:28

A silent dumping is truly cowardy but to do it after 7 months is actually staggering and I think it is no wonder whatsoever that you are not over it yet. I can totally understand you wanting to email/text him and try to get an explanation but I think it is highly unlikely that you will get it. A guy who is so cowardly and emotionally stunted that he would do this after 7 months is highly unlikely to be able to articulate honestly and clearly his real reasons for breaking things off and you will probably only end up feeling worse.

I'm so sorry - I truly think this was a very nasty cruel thing he did and you are well off out of a relationship with the kind of person who's emotional maturity is at this level.

Keep busy, lots and lots of plans and things in the diary for you to look forward to (never refuse an invitation) even if they feel hollow while you are actually doing them so that your mind is on this instead of the arse.

Namechangingnorma · 16/08/2013 15:53

Try valenswines it has a whole plan that helps you get over a break up and move on

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