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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

The Dreaded Adult Friend Finder

21 replies

Mac33 · 14/08/2013 03:39

Hi,

Is there such a thing as a guest log on on adult friend finder? My gut says no and he has an account :(

OP posts:

libertine73 · 14/08/2013 04:32

I really don't know love, have you tried going on it and signing in as a guest?

how did you find it? Really hope it's a mistake, but yeah, doesn't look good does it?

hand here to hold.

Distrustinggirlnow · 14/08/2013 07:39

Just had a look for you OP. looks like you can make a free profile but then there are different upgrade options.

If you want to know then make a profile yourself and search for him. It's easy enough to do

Or have a look in his inbox as they may send email notifications if he's been contacted thought the site. I'd guess he was being careful and deleting them though....

IME they always slip up eventually though

Hope your ok

Original poster

Mac33 · 14/08/2013 18:36

Thank you, I'll create my own log on tonight and see what happens.

OP posts:

libertine73 · 14/08/2013 19:55

yes, have a look, really hope it's some poxy pop up or other reasonable explanation, if not we're here xx

Original poster

Mac33 · 14/08/2013 21:12

I signed up and couldn't find a profile that would be anything like something he would use (creature of habit). He's been emailing me all day telling me he's going to change and is now half an hour late getting In from work.

Don't you love an honest man who realises his mistakes!?

OP posts:

libertine73 · 14/08/2013 21:18

so, does he know you have seen it?

How did you find it to begin with? did that not have his profile details? sorry you're going through this, but it doesn't sound completely out of character from your last post (dishonesty I mean) has he cheated on you before?

Original poster

Mac33 · 14/08/2013 21:25

Yes, he has a thing about adult chat rooms and has done this before. I thought we'd put it all behind us but it seems not. I found some pictures on the laptop last night and after much denying, he admitted they'd come from that site (after he thought I'd managed to spring his Internet history). He's emailed me all day and had apparently been sitting in a car park feeling sorry for himself.

OP posts:

libertine73 · 15/08/2013 08:37

oh Mac I'm sorry, what are you going to do? feeling sorry for himself indeed, sorry he got caught maybe, you deserve better love.

AnyFucker · 15/08/2013 08:41

What an inadequate person he is

How can you look at his ridiculous face over the cornflakes and still have an ounce of respect for him ?

Walkacrossthesand · 15/08/2013 09:18

If he's feeling sorry for himself, and doesn't like the person he is, he can take time out from the relationship (so he doesn't hurt you any more) while he tackles the issues in therapy. There are no guarantees about what happens then - but just feeling sorry is a transient feeling and doesn't stop the behaviour.

MsWinnieBaygo · 15/08/2013 18:14

OP - no there is no such thing as a guest log-in on AFF. You have to become a member & create a profile to join. It is also possible for users to hide their profiles so they can't be found in searches.

piggysarah1 · 15/08/2013 20:03

oh i feel for you, i discovered my husband was signed up to all sorts of sites.... i ignored it... we spoke about it.. he just liked looking!!!!
fast forward to now..... we are going through a divorce. on 22 june he went to ascot met a tart and left us on 28 june... 6 days!!!!! its all about sex.. he has such an addiction to porn websites, adult friend finder etc. Its such a kick in the stomach.... either he gets help or you end it.. if he is like my 'husband' 5 years later it gets worse!!!

BitOutOfPractice · 15/08/2013 22:01

Yep. I found my ex was on a site like this. Even when I confronted him about it he denied. Even though the person's profile had the same name, nationality (not UK), height (very unusual), eye colour etc. And if that weren't enough, I'd recognise his cock anywhere

IMHO, there's no such thing as this happening "innocently"

littleblackno · 15/08/2013 22:11

Oh BitOutOfPractice, that's how I recognised my exH on the site!!

It's really not about habit, I would never have thought my ex could have written the shite he did for that profile.
It's a horrible thing to discover, even if he hasn't actually met anyone I really think it'll only ever be a matter of time when the excitment needs to be taken up a level.
My exh had the cheek to blame me for him being on there. It's totally humiliating but far better for self esteem to not be with someone who thinks thats acceptable behaviour in a commited relationship. Good luck OP. xx

BitOutOfPractice · 15/08/2013 22:16

Little I'm so sorry that you had to experience that stomach lurching, stepping off a cliff moment too :(

I confronted him. I walked out of his flat. I have never seen him or spoken to him since. Sometimes that kills me, even now. But in general I am glad I walked away with some dignity in tact

littleblackno · 15/08/2013 23:09

It was not a great time but we've moved on - well i replaced him with cats! We have 2 small kids so i don't have the option of never seeing him again. He's useful for babysitting and is generous with maintenance so does have some uses.

That photo was the last time I saw him naked though!

littleblackno · 15/08/2013 23:18

I phoned him in the middle of the night (he was working away) quoted some of the profile so he knew I'd seen it, then refused to speak to him for 3 days (mature i know!). When he came home I'd arranged to go away for the weekend with a friend and was ready to leave. He had to stay with the kids. I waited till i got back before asking him to leave.
TBH it was the last straw, there were alot of other things wrong already. I do sometimes think it's sad it ended but i'm definatly better off without him.

Whoever said they slip up eventually has got it right.

Libertine73 · 16/08/2013 01:02

you ok op?

Original poster

Mac33 · 17/08/2013 07:10

Yes - we've done a lot of talking, crying etc. he's arranging counselling to help him work out exactly why he keeps going back on to these sites and will also get help from someone we're both close to but will be impartial. From what I can gather, it's worse if he's feeling insecure and particularly in the bedroom but because he's quite introverted, he then won't talk about it until something goes bang.

He's not an arse, just a prat. However, I have made it very very clear that if there's the smallest hint of this ever again, it's instant separation. We can't afford to move out due to negative equity and I won't let him screw up my girls' lives.

Thank you all for being here xxx

OP posts:

mammadiggingdeep · 17/08/2013 09:18

Delurking to wish u well. I hope things change for the better. I hope you get the relationship you deserve. Good luck xx

Libertine73 · 17/08/2013 18:10

Yes, I wish you all the best too love. Hope it works out for you.

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