Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

SILs 'little digs'

21 replies

ladymalfoy · 13/08/2013 22:33

By 'digs' I mean nasty or snarky comments. I need some advice on what to say and how to react to them.
She's visiting this week and I know I'm going to get lots of comments on my pregnancy( fat and pregnant,use tens during labour not pain relief,a low papa score is nothing to worry about,) I also think she keeps visiting because she wants to sleep in the spare room once we've decorated it for the baby just so she can criticise it and tell everyone she's seen it before anyone else.
She has form for saying nasty things especially when DH isn't within earshot.
I'm getting anxious about her visit and waking up panicking about it. Her DH is lovely and laid back but she is a real micro manager IYKWIM?
It sounds silly now I've written it out but I really want to stick up for myself finally and make her stop.

TIA

OP posts:
ImperialBlether · 13/08/2013 22:35

Why are you having her to stay? She sounds really horrible!

ImperialBlether · 13/08/2013 22:36

You know she says things when your DH isn't in the room? Next time she does that, when he comes back into the room say immediately, "Oh DH, SIL was saying I'm really fat now. Do you think I've put on that much weight?"

Do it every single time. Don't take any shit off her.

Does she have children?

Samnella · 13/08/2013 22:50

Ask her what she means every time she makes a dig. That normally stops these people in their tracks as they try and squirm out of it. If you can manage a 'that's rather nasty' once their explanation has been coughed out then all the better.

atrcts · 13/08/2013 22:54

Your birth pain management is your business, she can deal with her pain as she sees fit.

It sounds like you'd benefit from finding ways to increase your self confidence, so you'll be less intimidated by her criticisms.

My sister in law has been spiteful about me in the past too, accusing me of being bossy to my husband when the truth is she is narked because she can't control us as a couple. I try not to let it bother me because i know what she says isn't true - its just there's a part of me that ways to let everyone else know its not true in case they believe her! I had a lovely surprise this summer though, when a distant family member said they expected me to be nasty (because of reports from sister in law), but having got to know me, found I was nothing like that at all. It put my mind at rest that people get to sniff out the bitchy comments and usually make up their own minds in the end.

I wonder who you're worried your sister in law will bitch to? Other member of his family, or mutual friends? If its family I'd say they will learn who you are over time, and hopefully they'll have a more "live and let live" approach in life.

You say you want to stick up for yourself. I would avoid a slinging match, as no one will stand to gain anything from that, but maybe research assertiveness so you can name what she's doing to her: "owch! Was that intended to be hurtful or do you really mean something else?!!! Wink

It's like someone kicking you under the table, most people wouldn't say anything, but for those who verbalise what's just happening, the power of stealth manipulative spite is taken away from them.

My guess is she would deny it, and then of course you could say "oh good! I did think it would be odd for my sister in law to be out to get me, so I'm glad you're not like that!"

Or whatever your own words are.

But don't meet her on her level, she would live to get you to be spiteful back so she can report that to everyone else!!!!!

And don't forget those who know her probably will have experienced her being like this with other people in life. I'd be surprised if you're the first!

Finally, have you talked this through with hubby? Having said that, brothers (men) can be blind, especially when women are being subtle in their spite, because they don't operate they way so often can't see its there. my hubby had thankfully become aware over time that his sister is sometimes spiteful to me and he is supportive of me. But it took him a while to stop denying it (she had to step too far to make it obvious).

Good luck though, and try not to be too anxious. Bullies love the idea they can create a fear response in someone. Personally I'd consider refusing to have her to stay if she carries on. Or I'd even vote with my feet and consider going away with the girls if she was coming to stay against my wishes.

You are not a prisoner and you do have choices! Smile

NationMcKinley · 13/08/2013 23:04

What a PITA she sounds! Didn't want to read and run but saw that you mentioned having a low PAPP-A; mine was extremely low ("pathological" according to some studies). My baby boy was absolutely fine and is a fat 7 month old now Smile. It was a worrying time though and imo she's being very unfair and unsupportive in discounting your feelings. Oh, and I used TENS. It was great. Ignore her and best of luck

ladymalfoy · 13/08/2013 23:20

IB and Sam. Thanks,ill try those suggestions out on Thursday.
I'm doing CBT at the moment because of anxiety at work and I've been feeling fantastic. It's just she's gotten worse since my pregnancy.
She has to older teenage children one of whom is dabbling with dope at the moment. She is bossy with everyone in her family and she's even started my DH now.
I know she'll comment on the number of toothbrushes I've got (2) and my bath and shower products. I feel like I have to put things away or change things so she has nothing to comment on. I'm 39 ffs.

OP posts:
ladymalfoy · 13/08/2013 23:23

Atrcts. They are rocking up in the afternoon so I will go shopping and they can go for a walk! Never thought of 'doing one' for the majority of the visit. Cheers!

OP posts:
Viking1 · 14/08/2013 08:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

CMOTDibbler · 14/08/2013 08:37

I think with people like that, the tactical use of a very uninterested 'Hmm' works wonders. If she enjoys getting at people, then nothing will irritate her more than showing you really don't care at all when she comments on your toothbrushes or whatever.
Another thing I found very soothing with my exSIL (who was an evil witch) was to make up MN threads in my head, or with someone with predictable topics, play bingo.

starfishmummy · 14/08/2013 08:39

Just dont discuss things with her - if she asks about your plans for pain relief etc just refuse to engage.

Viking1 · 14/08/2013 08:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

purrpurr · 14/08/2013 08:51

Another one voting for starfish's suggestion. I used to be terrible for giving nasty people information about me. Empty topics such as tv, the weather etc are your best bet. Don't give her jnformation to use against you.

ladymalfoy · 14/08/2013 08:55

You lot are fantastic! Thanks. I'm certainly going to do the MN thread in my head!
ThanksThanksThanksThanks

OP posts:
Hippychickster · 14/08/2013 09:31

When she says anything horrible, just say, 'Is there a problem?' That's what I've done in the past and it stops people in their tracks, because of course there isn't!

So if she says, 'You've put on weight while you're pregnant,' just say, 'Is there a problem?' because what can she say? Nothing you do affects her life so it's no problem to her.

It just avoids getting sucked into a conversation which frankly is none of her business. She sounds like a right cow anyway. Why would anyone want to make you feel bad?

LEMisdisappointed · 14/08/2013 09:42

When she asks about pain relief, look at her with a Hmm face and say "pain relief? you neede pain relief??" "I am going to have a natural birth and use the power of meditation - I intend to feel all of it as that is how the deepest of bonds are formed with mother and child"

JustinBsMum · 15/08/2013 07:15

She sounds jealous. Can't think why else it would matter to her what maternity plans you are making.

tangerinefeathers · 15/08/2013 08:25

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

beepoff · 15/08/2013 09:31

What the hell? She bitches about your TOILETRIES?! What does she say?

She sounds weird, and mean. And almost certainly jealous.

I agree - don't give her ammo. Maybe try laughing to yourself every time she says something rude.

Boreoff · 15/08/2013 09:44

Take the above advice, I had a similar experience with my sister in law but let her get away with it so she just kept upping her game. Wish I had nipped it in the bud.

ladymalfoy · 15/08/2013 12:38

So much fantastic advice! Thank you so much! She and her husband will be here in an hour so I will be off into town. I imagine you will hear the screech of my brakes and the sonic boom as I pull away! I've left my Lush stash where it is as well!
Coffee in the Vienna Patisserie everyone?BrewBrew

OP posts:
dysfunctionallynormal · 17/08/2013 02:27

Don't let the cow sleep in the babys room once you've decorated it. I'd put a lock on the door and tell everyone you want your baby to be the first person (other than u and hubby) to enter that room once it's been decorated.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page
Swipe left for the next trending thread