Help me be nicer to my husband: please!

[stiffupperlip]

Have changed my name because I don't like discussing my marital woes on MN, especially as some of you know me in RL.
Sorry if this is long, but am posting to ask for help in being "nicer" to my husband, who complains that I am brusque, never affectionate and take him for granted. We have been married for ten years, have two young kids and as knackered as most couples are, I suppose.
I think there is something in what he says. I have always had a problem with being affectionate or "touchy-feely." I am not really the demonstrative sort. Have tried to change it, but I don't think I can really change the way I am. I think I do quite a lot for him ( as he does for me) but he would prefer me to hold hands, show affection openly, and change the apparently "irritable" tone of my voice when I speak to him. This problem has got worse after the children, as I am completely exhausted by their demands for affection most days, but I can't blame it entirely on them. I think it's just the way I am. I think the gender roles have been reversed really; I am not the type who ever says "I love you" and he is the type who needs it said often. We have time together away from the kids regularly, but it doesn't seem to help me change.
However, I also think he sometimes is over sensitive and is expecting too much. There are times when even the tone of my voice, not the words, can set him complaining. I could be saying a simple "Yes" or "No" and he will moan that I am biting his head off. This is very hard for me to fix; I can't even see what I am doing wrong. His idea of a married life is one where both parties never snap or lose their tempers. I find this unrealistic.
Can anyone help me to change? Apart from this, I think we have a good marriage, no big problems, but this is colouring everything.

HI there

No great words of wisdom, but it's horrid waiting for replies so . . .

Having two kids is a huge drain on your emotional resources as well as on your energy. Especially if they are particularly boisterous or don't sleep well. I am a huge believer in the importance of sleep. Treat yourself to several early nights and get some quality me time in too - long baths, trips to the gym, girls nights out, whatever. You need to treat yourself, and love yourself, in order to be able to be relaxed and to love someone else. It is hard for you to judge how much of this is really you or how much is a tired, overwraught (sp?) reaction to your husband's needs, so do look after yourself and you may find that you have more to give.

Yes my dp whinges about this kind of crap too no seriously sometimes he does mention that I am not affectionate enough and this just irritates me as it makes him seem needy and me seem heartless and I know that he's not needy and that I am actually quite affectionate.
But if he feels like that he feels like that and I love him so I just try to be more demonstrative - impromptu hugs and I love yous ect. And of course more sex because that's what men generally mean when they are looking for affection

How about you sit back & read your post as though someone else had written it - not you. What would you say to them about their situation?

No one can help you to change, only you can do that. The questions really are: do you want to? How much could your realistically change about yourself?

For what it is worth, my own view is that it is impossible to have a relationships without disagreements. I also think that to have a happy relationships you have to communicate alot & really listen to what the other person is saying. Do you think your husband feels unloved by your behaviour & that by asking for more affection he is trying to see if you care enough about him to amend your behaviour?
Not sure I've helped at all, but maybe somethings to think about.

you sound just like me! But I know that I should be less snappy/sarcastic/intolerant. I think it all changed when we had kids. When we first met, he was the dominant one, and liked to do the 'looking after' etc, and mothered me alot.Then we kind of had an equal balance of power. Now we have kids, there's no room for either one of us to look after the other, as all our focus goes on the kids in that respect.And there's no passion/excitement because we're knackered,and I feel fat and unconfident now (am 4 stone overweight). I know what we need to do, just cant be bothered - we never go out as have no babysitter, dh works alot of hours so I see him 1-2hrs a night at most before bed, and he wants to chill out and watch TV. If we could get the interest going again, then the respect etc wouls follow, and it'd all be back to how it used to be. Maybe when the boys are grown up...

Oh, and re the arguments.. I think we were better when we did argue. Now we cant because of the boys, so nothing ever gets aired.

you sound like my sister-in-law! Tone of voice is crucial - sometimes she talks to me in such a cross/snippy way that it comes across really aggressively when I know she doesn't mean it. I try not to get offended but it's hard! Could you try texting him a nice message if you find open displays of affection difficult?

Thank you for the replies. I would happily blame this problem of mine on my children, but to be honest, this has been a problem ever since we got married, and much before we had children. I am lucky enough to get plenty of "me" time and enough help around the house, so while I don't get much sleep ( cranky toddler) I really can't complain that I do too much. I think it's just that I have a tin ear and cannot distinguish between "irritable" tones and normal ones. I tend to think that, as long as I am not hurling abuse, everything else is par for the course and can be covered by a "sorry." More sex would be good ( it has rather fallen by the wayside) but I think he really wants affection rather than sex.

This seems such a small problem, but as I said, DH is sick of it. And so am I.Has anyone else had the same problem and fixed it?

Bugsy 2,

Sorry, didn't see your thoughtful post. Yes, he definitely feels unloved and yes, I definitely need to change. The really sad thing is that I have been actively trying to change for the past two months, biting my lips not to say anything sarcastic ( such as when he lost our house keys) and really trying to change the tone of my voice. Obviously it hasn't helped and I need to try harder.

He also said that he had exactly the same problem with his mom, who idolises him. I think, if he had the same problem with her and couldn't sort it out, how do I stand a chance?

does he genuinely irritate you or is it that he just doesn't like your tone of voice?

Fox,

I think he sometimes irritates me certainly, but no more so than in the usual man-woman, couples with small kids way, if you know what I mean. other times I am not irritated at all, merely juggling a million things, and he thinks I am. Yes, it's the tone he objects to, as well as that I don't show obvious affection, I suppose. He was comparing us to another couple ( married ten years, but no kids) who hold hands all the time, never disagree in public, and so on. It's just not me, I think.

have you always been the way you are SUL? If yes, then he married you knowing that you are not one for affection & touchy feely stuff.
If you have become seriously less affectionate & snapish, then I could see that would be difficult to adjust too.

To me this sounds like a situation where counselling could really help, as it sounds like you basically have loads going for you as a couple but are communicating differently (not right or wrong).

And tbh my view is that when sex falls by the wayside it frequently is an issue for somebody - maybe your dh was happy to do with less 'obvious' affection if your sex life was ticking along? could it be affecting how much patience you have for him? dunno.

sorry if this has a)been posted already and b) been upsetting at all.

maybe next time you are going to say 'yes' or 'no' you could say 'mm, not sure' and leave a gap for him to comment? v annoying i know if you ARE sure but you never know?

personally, I would find it virtually impossible to suddenly become a touchy/feely person because I'm not one either and you cannot force yourself to be that way if you're not that way inclined!

He sounds a bit insecure - is anything else bothering him?

I suppose you could do something about your tone of voice (perhaps try counting to 3 before you open your mouth!) but I can't see how you can change the way you are really.

If you are up for more sex, perhaps you could try and initiate things a bit more often in the bedroom - that might sort out his grumbles for a bit. I think we are more forgiving of each other's behaviour when we are generally happy and less forgiving when we aren't.

Is it just your way or do you think it could be depression maybe? People used to complain about my tone of voice all the time, and I honestly never knew I was doing it - but it goes hand in hand with a general negative outlook..

I had a similar problem and what I did was decide to do one 'affectionate' thing a day and it became easier.
Is your dh quite touchy feely? You could start off by returning his hugs and touches.
Could you text 'I love you' to him if you can't say it?
What about just having a hug or a cuddle? Or sitting close to him or resting your head in his lap when you watch tv?
I changed when I read an article about ensuring that you don't give and receive all your needs for affection to/from the children and to include your partner too as the relationship might suffer.
I know it may be hard to start with but it could be worth a lot.

I sympathise with your DH. My DP has a tendency to talk in a brusque manner and it's a cycle that becomes hard to stop because it's obviously the way he's been brought up. It eats in to your day slowly and results in everything becoming a chore rather than a pleasure. I believe it will result in your children adopting the same tone with you and others. You also don't want your kids to grow up believing that Dad's a bit daft and if that's the way you speak to him then that's what they'll think OR they'll conclude that you're a nag.

DP also does it with DS1 sometimes...it's the 'right time to put your jacket on....come on now please' before DS has even protested which tells DS that he's expecting an arguement but not going to let there be one....rather than 'Time to go shopping now...can you help by finding your jacket' Small stuff but one makes you want to tell him to sod off and the other makes you want to help him.

Sorry...my response is not exactly supportive.

You ladies are all lovely for taking the time to reply, and I feel very much better.
Monkeytrousers and Bugsy, yes I have always been this way and it is "just my way" but perhaps it's time I changed. I don't think it's depression, or else I must have been depressed from birth!
Wintersun, texting "I love you" is something I would normally never do, but again, it's a good idea. and the one affectionate thing a day is an achievable target.
Robin 3, your response was very helpful and definitely supportive. I do , after all, want to hear from those who feel the same way my DH does. I don't think I am a nag, but certainly time to nip this in the bud.
Fox, I don't think its insecurity in the conventional meaning of the phrase, as he is certainly not possessive or clingy at all.

I am going to go away and think about all this, and definitely try some of your suggestions.

good luck