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Original poster

DH family don't get it, can I heal the rift?

20 replies

Lemons1571 · 13/08/2013 21:08

Don't even know where to start with this so bear with me (and have name changed)

DH and I have just returned from a family wedding (BIL) with our DC's 7, 4 and 2.

When we got the invite, I knew it would be really hard with the kids to get through a whole wedding intact, day and evening. They are lively boys, so the usual recommendations of books, food, etc only keep them quiet for a minute or so. We live far away and don't know any of the happy couple's friends for support. I offered to take the kids elsewhere for the day so that DH could relax and enjoy the whole day, but he wouldn't hear of it. I was dreading it, SIL has always made it clear that their friends kids (girls) are far superior to our boys, they had roles in the wedding, our kids were begrudgingly invited.

Fast forward to the day itself. We all had to be in the church early (MIL instruction). By the time the bride arrived our 4 and 2 year old were tired and in danger of bickering so I whipped them out of the church quickly before any disruption. Then spent an hour and a half trying to keep them going while the wedding and photos went on.

About this time there were a few whispers among some of the guests, insinuating that it was to be expected from my kids, and weren't the bridesmaids well behaved they werent sat in the church for 45 minutes before it got going. Fast forward to the marquee, and a row of SIL's friends wouldn't even let my DH and DS3 get to their seats, they pushed their seats out so that they couldn't fit down the row and laughed at DH saying "oh you're not going to fit through there", before turning their backs. DH had to stand outside with DS3 until a new entrance was created into the marquee. Then, the girl next to me squeezed past and spilt gravy all down the side of my skirt. We missed the speeches, cake and first dance, as time went on we were increasingly firefighting (and failing) tired hot children. Bizarrely, the IL's starting asking us if we were enjoying ourselves, and seemed very taken aback that we found keeping the children reigned in was hard work.

We eventually left as soon as was deemed respectable early evening. The entire day was stressful, but we achieved what we needed to ie. kids did not disrupt the day in any way. The bridesmaids had a baby sitter arranged for the evening but we weren't included in that.

But basically we proved SIL right. The bridesmaids are angels and our kids are tearaways. The IL's now keep harping on about how well the young bridemaids did. They also keep on at us, saying how enjoyable the day was and trying to get us to say we enjoyed it. DH, in private, has been close to tears knowing his children are seen as inferior. The whole thing seems to have caused a rift, and I'm not sure the IL's and BIL even realise it.

Is there anything I can do to help heal this? Perhaps its a big misunderstanding and no-one else in DH's family understands or remembers what hard work very young children are at an all day event. DH is upset and saying that we're never going to bother helping BIL if they have kids.

Sorry its an essay, just feeling a bit teary about it all.

OP posts:

looseleaf · 13/08/2013 21:18

That is such a shame. It sounds as if noone has been at all helpful or left you feeling supported and of course it's hard managing children at weddings- I find it really tough and to be honest think you did brilliantly to make the effort and go and get through it.
In your shoes to smooth things I would just be honest if you can - say you wish it was easier with your boys as you we're longing to be there longer or whatever but that you find it tough but that nonetheless it was a wonderful day (even if that's stretching it for you, I'm sure it was and maybe highlight any good points?)
I hope you can smooth it and above all don't feel bad, I find many weddings near impossible with our two despite their good behaviour and sure yours were great too as without a good set up for them it's very tough to expect them to just sit doing nothing !

PoppyWearer · 13/08/2013 21:25

I couldn't read and run. You sound so unhappy, I know how it feels for your DCs to not be the "golden ones". FWIW mine aren't either, and IMO the behaviour of at least one of the favoured GCs in our case has been much worse than my DCs!

Perhaps it isn't something you can control.

And I hope you manage to sleep on it and feel better in the morning.

stillenacht · 13/08/2013 21:36

Fuck 'em!! Don't let them drag you down. Trust me, my DS2 (severe ASD) could put yours to shame in the behaviour department lol. I have come across this "girls are so well behaved and compliant vs boys are tearaways" attitude before. Again, fuck 'em. You and your DHdid a great job

Twinklestein · 13/08/2013 21:36

Its funny, my sister's MiL prefers her kids despite or even because they are somewhat feral, while her H's sister has 3 well behaved girls, who can do no right. Essentially it comes down to the fact that MiL has always favoured her son.

So - I don't think this is necessarily anything to do with how your boys behave - some families just have favourites, and even if your sons behaved immaculately, it might not make any difference.

It's really, really painful, I know, but fuck'em, know who you love who loves you & bugger everyone else.

Original poster

Lemons1571 · 13/08/2013 21:50

Sorry if its not clear in my op, the bridesmaids weren't grandchildren they were SIL's friends kids. Fair enough they're close, but that doesn't make us inferior.

Thanks for all your replies, need some perspective on this.

OP posts:

PoppyWearer · 13/08/2013 21:55

Perhaps still a bit of the girls/boys stereotyping going on though?

Original poster

Lemons1571 · 13/08/2013 22:01

Yes definitely.

I've said to DH, don't cut them off, keep lots of distance and wait until BIL has kids and realises how hard it is. Then DH has the choice of walking away or not. No idea if that's a good way forward though.

OP posts:

TVTonight · 13/08/2013 22:02

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Twinklestein · 13/08/2013 22:05

Ah sorry, no my fault. It sort of comes to the same thing: your SIL is basically favouring her friends & their kids over you & your family. They're obviously really close & she's obviously not close to you & your H, and she sounds really competitive.

Even if your boys had behaved perfectly, I doubt it would have made any difference, she'd have just found something else to criticise. I don't think this is about their behaviour at all, it's about her need to make herself feel superior.

thisisyesterday · 13/08/2013 22:08

you know what? i don't think i read anything in your OP that suggests that his family thinks your kids are inferior,
it kind of seems to be coming from you.

maybe the bridesmaids did great. and that's lovely. the IL's are allowed to say that.
they also sound as though they had a great time and are wondering why you did not, perhaps you did such a great job controlling your kids that they haven't seen a problem in their behaviour, or realise why you really didn't enjoy the day?

I can't quite get my head around the fact that your DH didn't just ask the people blocking his way to move... loudly if necessary?
the fact that they did that means they're dicks. it doesn't mean that your kids are not well behaved or are inferior

RenterNomad · 13/08/2013 22:11

Would things blow up if you stated that your DC found it pretty boring, so it was hard to keep them engaged, especially after they were excluded, or that they "felt unwanted and were, not surprisingly, bored!"

Trying to get you to say you enjoyed it is not on - smug twats, not nice hosts

A pity the adults aren't trying tonpromote any kind of relationship between the cousins.

wheretoyougonow · 13/08/2013 22:12

Your in laws probably don't know anything about this. It is normal to comment on the bridesmaids good behaviour/cuteness. To be honest it sounds like they are worried you didn't enjoy it.
With regard to the guests they just sound like bitchy women who should be ignored.
Just bide your time and wait for your sister in law to get pregnant then watch her cope with a lively one.
Be in no doubt, although hard work, lively boys will give you lots of laughter and fun

Hassled · 13/08/2013 22:16

I'm with thisisyesterday - how much of this is what you think they're thinking, and how much is what you know they're thinking? You say yourself that the ILs seemed surprised you weren't OK, and that your boys didn't disrupt anything.

Is it possible that while the day was a nightmare for you, other people weren't really registering any of the stuff that you were aware of?

thisisyesterday · 13/08/2013 22:21

yes, lively boys are way better!

i have 3 of them myself :) mine are 8, 5 and 4

Original poster

Lemons1571 · 13/08/2013 22:26

Yes. The ILs certainly didn't register what was happening. I tried to explain it retrospectively, about how we achieved what we set out to ie not disrupt the wedding, but also said how DH couldn't get to the seats and the whispered comments and this was the reason DH was a bit reserved. I might as well have explained it in another language, they looked blank and repeated that they hoped we enjoyed it.

OP posts:

thisisyesterday · 13/08/2013 22:30

i guess maybe they didn't think those things were a big issue? and maybe any other day, any other place you wouldn't have either?
they just hit you hard that day because you knew your SIL's opinion on the kids and it was stressful and you were trying so hard?

I guess I just don't think that this has to be a rift, you know? You know your boys are great, and if SIL doesn't agree then that's really her own problem isn't it?
It's a shame you didn't enjoy the day, but you got through it, you didn't disrupt anything and now you can put it behind you.

chin up :)

badguider · 13/08/2013 22:38

I don't get where the rift is?
It sounds like you did a good job of keeping your boys engaged and they behaved well.
Nobody seems to even have noticed how hard that was for you and your dh so while that shows a bit of a lack of empathy on their part it also reflects well on your child-wranglong abilities.

Your ILs seem worried you wont' say it was a nice day [in my experience that's just one of those things you say about somebody's child's wedding... out of politeness... 'oh yes, what a lovely day']

What do you want to happen now?

Original poster

Lemons1571 · 13/08/2013 22:47

I have said it was a lovely wedding and praised all the hard work that went into it. They keep on with "we'll what's not to enjoy, anyone would have enjoyed it"

I want DH to feel more supported by his family, rather than saying "fuck em, we're on our own". He feels shit about the whole thing. Perhaps it's not possible, you can't put what's not there.

OP posts:

Original poster

Lemons1571 · 13/08/2013 22:53

And truth be told, I am a bit resentful. I knew it could be a nightmare, i offered not to go, was talked into it, a complete lose lose situation for me, everyone else was I'm alright jack.

OP posts:

Shelby2010 · 13/08/2013 22:57

Well I'm not surprised you didn't enjoy it, just be glad you survived! We recently went to quite a formal wedding & had to take dd 2yrs due to distance/time away. 2 adults vs 1 child, but we felt like we spent the whole time trying to 'manage' her behaviour & came away exhausted. The funny thing was that everyone said how well behaved she was (& she was) but effort of keeping her distracted/quiet was hard work.

Your boys did well as did you & DH, just shrug off any IL comments. Weddings must always be referred to as 'a lovely day' even if you were bored shitless. And it was only one day that you're not going to have to repeat, no need for there to be a rift, it sounds like you're not close to BIL & SIL anyway. Just let it all die down naturally.

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