What makes you "drop" people as friends after a while?

[Salbertina]

Just reflecting. Have moved a huge amount inc overseas as currently so lots of people have come into and out of my life. I seem to be good at the initial stages, less so at maintaining of friendships into the medium term apart from with a few v longstanding friends I've know for years back "home". Thoughts please?

I've never managed to stay proper friends with ex colleagues, in my experience if you meet up after you stop working together, you just end up talking lamely about work.

A very, very, reeeally close friend who was a single parent, as was I at the time, dropped me like a hot potato when I moved in with my now husband. I wasn't the single-mum friend she wanted any more.

I binned only one friend because I found her incredibly hard work. I felt that she was demanding and draining. I wish her well and I hope she's ok but I find it stressful having her in my life, not least because I have a disabled child and she sometimes said unkind things about her.

lack of interest

I dropped a very old single friend who lived alone, and who on more than one occasion behaved like a shitty houseguest. She expected us to revolve around her when she visited and was sharp or snappy when things didn't go her way. And with the kids.

It troubled me several times, so I raised it nicely after an incident and she shut down the conversation, and didn't apologise. So I didn't stay in touch. Sad really, but not my issue.

I was dropped from a great height when I mentioned (without boasting) that we'd had a bit of financial luck (after a period of struggle and frustration).
I suppose I shouldn't have mentioned it at all but assumed she'd be pleased for me rather than inwardly spitting with jealousy and outwardly
totally ignoring me for the remainder of our time at that school.
Was extremely awkward as our DCs (2 girls and 2 boys) were bosom buddies and in the same classes together so I couldn't avoid seeing her and witnessing her blatantly excluding me.
Nasty piece of work.

" we hate it when our friends become successful". Morrissey was right about that, at least.

Been on the receiving end if that a couple of times, and never curiously with people who have little themselves.

Some people are comfortable with you provided they feel more blessed themselves. Their issue.

Every time I made a big change in my life, e g, moved abroad, got married, had kids, moved to a bigger house, I got dumped by a lot of friends I once thought they were good friends. I don't know if I send the vibes that my life has to be always the same and never change, because if a positive change happens, you bet, I'll be dumped.

I moved houses last year and I can clearly see two "good" friends already pushing me away.

I only distanced myself with only one person in my life. Someone who was really narcissistic, egocentric and vane. I was pretty much slowly "dumped" by everyone else. Shame but I have to accept that that 's part of my life now.

I try to focus on the present and enjoy current friends without thinking too much about how the relationship will be in the future.

I'm an expat (6 months/year in two different european countries) and it suits my style very well. I like to meet lots of people, click with a few, enjoy their company and move on (or they do). I like having different types of friends - shopping/chatting; serious conversations; soul-searching and sharing; hobby based ...

I've drifted away from a lot of friends for various reasons - changed lifestyles, living too far away, but I've only actually dropped one. Or maybe she dropped me because I didn't give her enough attention. She was lovely but very needy and hard work.

The only time I've ever had what I'd call a best friend was another SAHM when my DC's were little. We drifted apart when I moved abroad and sadly she died when she was only 50. I was sorry I hadn't kept in touch.

I had a real revelation about this a while back.
Friends do ebb and flow - a few you'll be close to no matter what (two of my best friends live on the other side of the world, but when we do see each other it's like no time has elapsed at all) and it doesn't matter what happens.

Then there are those that you're close to because you share a particular situation - school, university, work, children or neighbourhood - who you might be close to for a while but drift apart from when the situation changes. Usually, they'll be in the category where you're quite happy to see them if the situation is convenient, but going away for a week to see them would be a bit much.

There will be a few friendships where something dramatic happens and you cut all ties; and some where staying in touch becomes impractical and it just drifts off. Often a life event will trigger the 'drop' - some say people are showing their true colours but I think it's a lot more complex than that.

I say this as I've really been surprised at the turns my friendships took after my DM died and I had an MC not long afterwards. My best friends were amazing; some of my newer friends have become closer friends as a result (and they've been fantastic too); some older friendships have picked up more or less where we left off which is brilliant.

Sadly, a few people I'd counted as close friends previously I've dropped, as the all-pervading sense they couldn't get rid of me fast enough rather than 'catch the grief' is more than I can handle. That and complete insensitivity was a trigger for just letting them go. Sad though; I hate to lose a friend.

I have the same 4 friends I've had for 20+ yrs. I have masses of acquaintances but don't have the time or inclination to get further involved.
I've also become horrifically fussy, rigid and snobby as I've aged. This means I have no flexibility left for learning to love the new people. Foibles are no longer for me.

One of the things I had to learn was that actually, it was ok to let go of a friendship if I wanted to.

DH and I were talking the other day, about another, unrelated subject (me wanting to leave the beach). I gave several 'reasons' -it was clouding over, I was getting chilly etc- but the basic reason was I'd just had enough. He told me it was perfectly fine to say 'Because I want to' without feeling guilty or obliged.

Feeling guilty or obliged kept me hanging onto friendships for far longer than I ought to have done, even when I was being treated shabbily by that person.

However, once I'd learned the lesson, and understood that I was being taken advantage of, or mucked about, I cut the friendship out.

Over the years I have dropped, maybe, three or four friends who really took the piss- whether it was 'downgrading 'me from weekend-night-out to Monday evening at my house while they spoke to their boyfriend on the phone, or expecting me to do all the running and never reciprocating, or whatever. One started having a go at me at the end of a night out, in public- real shouting and swearing, because I wouldn't do what she wanted. I dropped her immediately.

On the other hand, I have very old friends that I haven't seen for years at a stretch, but their friendship is very important to me, nonetheless. The difference is that we both understand and appreciate the 'terms' of our relationship.

For me, it's the point when you realise that the balance is wrong in the friendship, and the other person isn't treating you as an equal.

I think all friendships have a natural ebb and flow, and at times one person may need to put more in, while the other person may need someone to lean on. But when over time you realise that actually you're always the one investing more, and the other person is always taking, then that's the time to call it a day

Very interesting to read everyone else's experiences.

I have dropped friends in the past six years due to -
Men met thro music who come onto me, hence I can't drink on nights out in case I have to drive home.
Men met thro music who then want me to be in their bands - read coming round to my house all the time when I am busy and thinking they can control the music I get to make..

A girl who started telling me what to, was talking about me behind my back, and offended me hugely by saying that when I get over my abusibe history, I will want to be back in touch with my family, and I will cope with their behaviour differently. I wanted friends to say I was never to go back to them, ever, because of what they did to me. Not to suggest that the fault and responsibility lies with me. I was so upset about that.

I let go one friend who moved to Australia because I was relieved she had gone as she was a me me me type and was a gossip and was rude about people. She was a taker and no idea of other people in any given scenario.

I also let go a friend I used to work with whom I started going out with thinking she and her crew were cool, only to find that she took the piss out of me in front of them on New Year's Eve, about how they had grown up cool and I had not. Plus they thought they knew music better than I do and used to wave really crap basic CDs going 'you don't know THIS?????' I thought, well I'd rather do my own thing than hang out with you even if you think you are that cool man. I told her she was two faced and cruel and said I was never going back round again.

My trouble is that who I am as a person has changed. And I didn't always make good decisions. So I'd hook up with anyone, believing it not right to judge, and then wonder why lying down with dogs covered me with hairs..

My longest standing friends go back twenty years now and they are the one I see every few months or weeks. The rest of the time I work, play, work out, read and clean!!! Haha. Having a massive circle of friends is not for me, I hate being part of a group and like being with myself. I get very hardcore interactions from my clients, meaning I do very intimate work with them and their lives so I don't really feel the nee for all that myself after work. I like to have some space to let the breeze flow through. I could ring any of my four girlfriends in a tizz and they would be there for me and have been, and I them. It's no use trying to force friendships is it.

There's got to be give and take in any relationship and I think that a friend who is happy to take when they need support but is not there to give it when you need it is not a true friend in my opinion. I've culled for this reason.

If they don't like talking about the same sorts of thing as me... the main reason for having friends is that you enjoy each others' company (though of course one should always support good friends going through difficult times).

I am generally quite good at maintaining friendships. One interesting thing I notice, particularly after leaving a workplace or place of education, is that it isn't always the people you get on best with at the time who end up being the longer-term friends... Often I have managed to completely lose touch with the person I really gelled with, but end up being in touch with someone who wasnt a best friend at the time, but who proves to be quite good in the longer term.

Only once have I really dropped a friend. This was a woman in her mid-to-late thirties when I was probably in my late twenties/early thirties. She had had a run of bad luck and awful things happening to her: she had been sexually assaulted twice, her job was not that great, she was short of money because she only worked pt and she lived in slightly insecure accommodation. So I felt quite a bit of sympathy for her and tried to be supportive, both verbally and by trying to identify opportunities that might help to improve her situation eg. flats, jobs etc. Then she decided to move to a far-flung part of the country and do casual work there, once again I was supportive and encouraging.

When she returned we arranged to meet up for dinner and it went badly wrong from the start. We ended up trekking around in the dark for a long time, in central London, trying to find a place to eat where she was happy with the menu prices. Eventually I put my foot down and said, 'let's just go in here, I will pay' - we did, but she was clearly not happy. In the course of the conversation she told me that she had decided to stay in London in order to look after her long-term boyfriend who was dying. I was really surprised, as this boyfriend had never been mentioned before through all her troubles, and suggested that she needed to think really carefully before making this commitment - as I had just experienced a relative dying of a terminal illness and knew what was involved in caring for someone in this situation. I also questioned whether she should make this commitment, as I hadn't been aware of him being there when she was going through X, Y and Z. She replied airily that she wouldn't feel tied down by him, that if she wanted to go off travelling at any moment she would and that my experience was a completely different sort of situation.

I changed the subject but she was clearly not happy again. On the way out of the restaurant, I asked if everything was OK, but she said that she was really offended by what I had said. At that point I snapped a bit and said that I did sometimes wonder if we were compatible to be friends any more. She was really shocked, but said something like 'well, let's kiss and make up', we did, said good night and that was that.

I never heard from her again....

Thinking objectively, we had all sorts of differences - different age groups, economic differences. I also think that we had got caught in a pattern of talking about her troubles and it was all a bit one-sided, so when I heard that she had not shared this huge aspect of her life, I was fed up to say the least. I think the facade crumbled as soon as there was any kind of tension between us.

That transference sensation mentioned up thread rings a bell for me too.

I have been struggling a little bit with this recently-I have a friend who I spent a lot of time with when our children were babies but as they got older I noticed she was increasingly judgemental about other childrens' behaviour including that of my own. I found myself in situations when I would have to go along with her or face some sort of confrontation and I'm chicken.

I feel slightly guilty/awkward because I haven't ever explained why I stopped meeting up with her-she's also not someone who readily shares vulnerabilities and its very difficult to keep a friendship going if only one of you is willing to share.

Bottom line is that if I had loads of spare time I'd see my "friend" more but I feel short of time most of the time and only want to see friends who make me feel good.

Mainly time and distance plus life changes. I've never had a 'toxic friend' who I've had to drop. Just nice friends but our lives have moved in different directions. One is an old school friend but over the last few years we have moved 100 miles apart. We used to meet up and hang out during the week but we just can't do that anymore.

I dropped a friend after we had children. We had been very close friends and looking forward to sharing motherhood, were pregnant at roughly the same time etc.

I had my son first, and she was great for a while. Then she had hers, and suddenly she just visibly didn't like mine any more. Hers was utter perfection - well, don't we all feel that, but laugh about it a bit and rein it in? Apparently not. It hurt so much that I couldn't get over it. I tried for about six years (we moved apart during that time) but when she emailed me with a glowing round robin essay about her children, and never even thought to ask about mine, I decided to give up with a little grace and rant about her anonymously on the internet instead.