when you feel squeezed out by a friend

[thissimplelife]

Very longstanding friendship ( 30 years) but I'm getting a bit tired of being bottom of the list.

My friend is a popular person and TBH I need her as a friend maybe more than she needs me because I have fewer friends.

But the point is, often when I call her she is always going out, or someone else is due to call ( and it can't wait) or her door bell rings and she goes and promises to call me back. And she does- but sometimes days later.

All the above might sound like excuses on her part for not wanting to be in contact- but they aren't as she is genuinely busy.

But she seems to assume I'll take any treatment from her.

As an example- she called me at the weekend and I was out. I called her back next day. She was out. I left a message then called her again later that day- she was just going out to her parents. I called her today ( at a time that suited me around work etc) and we chatted for 2 minutes then her door bell rang. She said she'd call me back. i went out after an hour and she left a message saying she'd had 1 phone call, then her neighbour called round, then she was due to have another friend round, and she'd get back when friend had gone.

I feel like shouting 'errr what about ME!'

This has gone on for years and I took a huge step back to see if she would close the space- she did for a while but now it's gone back to me seeming to wait for her calling when she can fit me in.

We live an hour away so can't just pop in, but I feel she gives everyone priority over me.

Just moaning really.

On balance, do you think you gain from having her in your life or does it damage your self esteem too much?

On balance yes, but if she was a man and it was a 'relationship' I'd let go.

She has been away for nearly 5 weeks on a long holiday with her DP. I was looking forward to a good old catch up ( she promised to email or text when away but didn't- and she never ever sends post cards) .

I did miss her a little when she was away though not as much as I thought- and she was the one to get in touch first when she came back. But having a conversation with her these says is harder than having an audience with the Pope!

I feel she puts me off so she can see or talk to other friends- but doesn't put them off so she can talk to me.

I suspect this is triggering some early family dynamic, were you elbowed out or ignored in favour of a sibling. Just an educated guess.

Balance is so important in friendships, isn't it. I let a long-term friendship drop when I realised that, for the last however-long, I'd been the one calling her to suggest dates for get-together - she was always busy but said 'keep on trying' and I thought - you know what? Why don't you try for a change, I'm tired of feeling like the billy no-mates who's desperate to meet up - and we've not seen each other since! Her loss - because I'm not in fact a billy no-mates and I have other friends. Your last paragraph hits the nail on the head . That said, it sounds like she does return calls etc, so maybe it's time just to pull back a little and create a space that she comes forward to fill - or not, as the case may be.

Your friend sounds like everyone I know - it sounds completely normal behaviour for a busy mum in 30s-40s . If you would prefer a closer friendship I think you need to start looking for new candidates - maybe without kids or someone less busy.

Yes I agree with the last poster.

Essentially I think it may be better to change the nature of this friendship to,one where you meet up a few times a year and have a blast and good ole catch up. For the everyday closeness it may be better to make a new friend. You don't have to ditch the old one, but allow it to change. Life is long, there's plenty of time x

Your friend sounds normal, you sound needy. And not very nice. 'take any treatment'? She's doing nothing wrong!

What do you think you sound like onesleep?

Ha funny how people assume so much!

She is not 30-40s she is mid 50s like me. My kids have flown the nest, she never had any.
I work- she doesn't.

I was never pushed out as a child.

I don't know what is wrong in saying 'take any treatment'- the point is she has time for everyone else, but not for me.
When her neighbour called round today unexpectedly- she could for instance have said come back in half an hour, I really must phone my friend who I was just talking to ...

I thought it was a powerful reaction and that is often based in our history. Not assuming anything.

I'm wondering if your friend (mid 50s -no kids) is also my friend because I'm having the same problem with a long-standing 20+ years friend. She's become addicted to soap operas. Won't go out because she may miss an episode of one. Records them when she's away and even watches an episode before she goes to work in the morning if it's a particularly gripping storyline. I feel frozen out. I also feel sad for her as she's stuck in a virtual loop of fictional people's lives when we could be doing the sorts of things we used to do together: meals. outings, cinema, even DIY.

So I know how you feel OP - you and I have a lot of years invested in these friendships and it's sad that things have changed so much. I can see how my grandmother felt when she effectively 'lost' her best friend to Alzheimers.

In our case a lot is down to circumstances. She doesn't work and has bags of money, and is surrounded in her road by other non-working 'well connected' wealthy women who get invites to lots of things and she goes with them. She's become close to some of these neighbours and as they are literally on her doorstep they do lots together including having holidays.

I work, though financially I don't need to but do so because I enjoy it, and sadly I see her a bit as a lady who lunches- but never with me!
I'm not remotely jealous of what she does, but do feel pushed out by her newer friends who live next door to her. She'd have to make the effort to drive to see me and rarely does- never ever suggests it - and if I ask it's always a case of 'I'm doing this with so and so and can 'fit you in' ( that's how it feels) in x days/weeks.'

I do have other friends but again they live some distance away. I'm seriously thinking how to make new friends- maybe I need to volunteer or join a class or something? I don't want to go looking for friends as feel that will make me seem needy, but how do you make new friends in your 50s?

I read this, and wondered whether you have always done most of the running OP, and it has just become much more obvious to you recently?

It seems to me that, in many friendships, one person tends to be the driving force - for want of a better term; one person who 'usually' suggests a get together - one person who 'usually' rings, when there has been a gap. Everything is fine and dandy when you are together, so the dynamic is never queried.
I used to think it was me, but the question has cropped up a couple of times over the years ...and other friends have said they have friendships in which they also usually make the running.

This doesn't negate the friendship - there are some people who just do let others come to them and my oldest, dearest, friend is one of them
It only becomes an issue when the 'active' half of the duo sits back and asks if it is worth the effort, as you have done.
Only you can answer that.

That said, actually don't think the phone call/visitor to the door issue is anything to do with prioritising friends. I would do exactly the same, and tell someone on the phone that I would call them back, if a visitor arrived. Your friend did do that, it just took longer than you expected, and you were out when she did ring. Sometimes it can take two or three days to re-connect.....at least, it can for me.

I could have written your post thissimplelife even down to the being friends with the neighbours too. Also, if we do meet it always has to be at her house - never at mine. If we meet at hers she can carry on watching the TV - it really is that much of an addiction.

I also reached the conclusion that I need more friends. I have joined a local society and met a few people at the meetings. I just need to try more things.

It does feel like quite a loss to me as we used to do so much together - even go on holiday.

Someone asked why I've just noticed it now...
It's a combination of things- her neighbour has retired ( early) and has a 2nd home, so my friend is invited and they go off together- neighbour is single and always as been, but stinking rich and gets lonely. Another neighbour has an iffy marriage so she is keen to always be popping in to friend and they do stuff too a lot.

I've just had a few months of always ringing when she's off out and it takes her days to get back tome, and on top of that she sometimes comes this way quite often for personal - business reasons, but is always too busy to call in- she has to get back for some reason.

I used to make allowances for her when my DCs were at home, as I was more tied, but they have left now.

I think I just need to make a mental adjustment- but when we talk she talks as if we are still really close friends - about all kinds of personal stuff- yet her behaviour in terms of meeting up doesn't tally with this.