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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Am I being silly to throw a potentially good relationship away for this?

24 replies

Popgothepringles · 13/08/2013 15:06

I've reconnected with an old friend and we are tentatively embarking on a relationship. We both have some MH issues (social anxiety mainly) but are at different levels of coping with it. Mine is almost non existent now whereas his is still very much a part of his life. We get on in so many different ways but I'm struggling with one aspect of his communication that may or may not be linked to his anxiety.

When we are chatting, if anything I've said wasn't that interesting to him, he acts like I haven't said anything at all. As if I haven't said a word and the past couple of minutes of conversation didnt happen. Here's an example:

Him: So does your dd see much of her aunts?
Me: Not really. There was a bit of a falling out so its all a bit distant now. Its quite sad really because I'd love dd to see them but it can't be helped right now.
Him: Anyway, I got a birthday present for my brother today.

There's no hesitation between what I say and what he says, he just flows right into that. And I'm sat there thinking, wait...what? There is literally no response to what I've just said, not even something to acknowledge he's heard it. I can't really ask him about it because of his anxiety which I suppose is another issue. How can you discuss things if the person gets too distressed?

God this had gone massive now but I just can't get it clear in my head as to whether this communication issue would only get worse in the future and whether, despite us really getting on well, it is too much of a barrier to a relationship. I'm wary of triggering off my own issues again too and I can imagine constantly having moments where my response is ignored could do that.

I know its a bit of a boring one but does anyone have any advice?

OP posts:

AnaisB · 13/08/2013 15:21

In the example you give sounds like he ignores a comment about relationships and emotions. Maybe because he's doesn't find it interesting or maybe because he finds it difficult to discuss that stuff.

Not sure that helps with your question though. personally i'd raise it with him.

Walkacrossthesand · 13/08/2013 15:26

Have you ever responded 'did you not hear my reply to your question?' after he's finished his non-sequitur statement?Or would that be too confrontational?

alsteff · 13/08/2013 15:28

" as to whether this communication issue would only get worse in the future and whether, despite us really getting on well, it is too much of a barrier to a relationship. I'm wary of triggering off my own issues again too and I can imagine constantly having moments where my response is ignored could do that." It would certainly have that effect on me and would do with a lot of people (with or without MH issues) in my opinion. Perhaps you are strong enough to help him deal with his issues? but you seem to be well aware of the need to look after yourself too? good luck sorting it. x

Walkacrossthesand · 13/08/2013 15:32

PS - question asked while holding his hands, gazing deep and lovingly into his eyes... I suspect he has so much 'noise' going on inside his head that he loses track of the fact that he's asked you a question and should really pay attention to your answer...

Xenadog · 13/08/2013 15:35

I wonder if he is on the autistic spectrum. Having a mind that only focuses on what they want to can by a symptom of this. My OH definitely has autistic tendencies - we did the online test and he scored very highly - and he doesn't mean to be disinterested or rude but sometimes he can't help it.

I have learned to joke with him when he does this. He also struggles to talk about emotions and relationships as well - unless it interests him that is.

Original poster

Popgothepringles · 13/08/2013 15:48

I did wonder that xena because a few other things he does would fit in with that. I did consider asking but then I thought maybe he's not ready to say or hasn't thought of it himself either.

walkacross, I did try something along those lines after the first couple of times he did it and he sort of panicked and started saying a few words and then just stopped and changed the subject as if I hadnt said anything at all again. He has said (at a different time to that) that he can't cope with confrontation as part of his anxiety.

I wondered that anais. Like maybe he didnt expect such a detailed response and it threw him? But then I didn't get why he didnt at least acknowledge me by saying "aaah, anyway I got my..." instead of launching straight in.

alsteff I'm not sure if I am strong enough really. Its taken a lot of work to make myself better, I don't know if I can risk it going backwards. It does feel like a shame though!

OP posts:

Kaluki · 13/08/2013 16:04

He sounds a bit rude and self obsessed. That might be due to his MH issues but it sounds too much like hard work to me!! X

TheOrchardKeeper · 13/08/2013 16:18

Tbh I wouldn't want to deal with that, especially as you have your own issues and it's hard work. There'll be times when you need to confront him and vice versa during a relationship and if that's how he'll react every time you need to think about whether that's acceptable/doable for you.

ageofgrandillusion · 13/08/2013 16:24

At what point is this a MN issue and at what point is it just rudeness/ignorance? I'd keep taking him to task on it - you may well be doing him a favour as, if he does this with others he will like find himself being socially isolated.

ageofgrandillusion · 13/08/2013 16:24

Sorry, that should be MH not MN.

ElephantsAndMiasmas · 13/08/2013 16:25

I would have to try talking to him about it before breaking up over it. Have you tried laughing and saying "sorry am I boring you?" or something? Because social anxiety is one thing, but you feeling you can't ask for your needs (simple listening and replying) to be met is quite another, and is not fine.

Original poster

Popgothepringles · 13/08/2013 17:50

That's a good point age, elephants and kaluki. Its hard to know where the line is between it being because of his MH stuff or it being his attitude or inability to listen.

And that's true orchard, confrontation is bound to be necessary at some point or other. I'm not sure him not being able to handle that will work really!

Thanks for your replies. I think I'm edging towards this probably not being enough for me. Its a shame but I can't risk my health to keep his if that makes sense?

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 13/08/2013 17:58

I think it depends how often it happens too and how interesting/supportive you find him. I think a lot of blokes switch off when you start going on about some aspect of friend or family member. Mind I do that too sometimes...struggle to stay interested when friend or partner starts talking about other people that I don't know. But if you feel he's generally not interested or doesn't listen dump him.

Hatpin · 13/08/2013 19:20

I think the bigger issue is that you are already treading on eggshells around him and you will have to continue that for the while relationship.

You're setting yourself up for years of not mentioning lots of things that might be really important because you think he won't listen / it might trigger a negative response.

Do you really want that?

Fourwillies · 13/08/2013 19:23

Bin him.

LemonPeculiarJones · 13/08/2013 19:27

Get rid of him. He isn't interested in being responsive to your needs.

Fourwillies · 13/08/2013 19:27

Oops pressed post too quick! But anyway, I don't think this guy is a winner. What you've described is MASSIVE actually - he effectively controls all the subject matter and tone of your interaction and relationship. I was also going to edge towards Aspie tendencies - a lack of "theory of mind" so not being able to see that you might be upset or wrong footed by his flagrant disregard for normal conversational rules.
Do yourself a favour and cut your losses.

Hippychickster · 14/08/2013 09:18

In my experience, things that irritate me at the beginning of a relationship irritate me more and more.

I would be more worried about the fact you daren't really say anything about it incase he gets anxious. I would feel uncomfortable being with someone high maintenance like that so I always had to be careful of what I said.

An example for me is that occasionally when I'm telling my DH something, he will butt in and tell me something about what he's done before I've finished, to which my stock reply would be, 'It really pisses me off when you do that.' I would hate be worried about everything I said.

However, just to play devil's advocate, no one is perfect, and you will never find someone who does nothing to irritate you, so it's really your call as to whether it's a deal breaker for you.

Good luck

synaman · 14/08/2013 16:02

how about next time:

don't skip a beat.
see what he says/does.
if he questions it, ask him why he did that to you?

ZutAlorsDidier · 14/08/2013 16:12

synaman, I don't agree with that strategy. We know that he can't do confrontation, so he isn't going to pick up on it, facilitating a discussion on it. also maybe he doesn't mind it and won't pick up on it anyway.

Also, and more importantly, at this stage of a relationship you have to model what you want to receive, because anything else is a tacit agreement that things can be the other way. IF you ride roughshod over someone else's conversation like that, you are basically saying that that is ok. (Sadly the reverse is not true - by modelling certain behaviours you cannot guarantee them coming back to you - but if you don't, do you don't have a chance)

I think this sounds unbearable. Even if you don't have MH issues. It is disrespectful and upsetting. I had a boyfriend who did something this and it took me a while to put my finger on why I felt so awful every time we hung up after a phone call. It was horrible.

You will need to bring it up or ltb, or maybe bring it up and then ltb

runningonwillpower · 14/08/2013 16:21

I'm going with autistic spectrum.

He asks a question to which, in his mind, there is a simple answer. He receives a complicated answer which he can't quite process, so he ignores it.

If it's a potentially good relationship, I'd hang on in there at least for a little while till I could make sense of it. And then decide.

Lemsy · 14/08/2013 20:35

I'd recommend leaving it. I was in a similar situation with ex boyfriend and i stayed for far too long to the detriment of my self-esteem. I began to own being un-interesting and boring and my confidence with other people was affected. i too suffer from depression and anxiety and you can't under-estimate what the effect of being ignored does to your mental health.

You need to keep good company and he doesn't sound like he is that.

Good luck x

grumpalumpgrumped · 14/08/2013 22:15

DH does this, we also think he is on the autistic spectrum (many reasons). It is annoying and upsets me from time to time. But I love him and accept its part of him, had I noticed more during the early stages of our relationship it may have swayed my opinion as to whether to date him.

Snazzyenjoyingsummer · 14/08/2013 23:09

' I can't really ask him about it because of his anxiety'

If that's the case then you can never be yourself and speak freely in this relationship. Even if it makes him anxious, I think you have to at least raise this with him. If he really can't handle even discussing the issue with you then I think you have your answer about where this is going.

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