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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

He won't get married

72 replies

alwaysmovinghouse · 13/08/2013 14:35

My partner and I have been together several years, we own a house together and we have a baby DD who we both love dearly.

We both acknowledge that our relationship is good, we are happy together, we need each other and we compliment each other. We have little arguments, but never have huge rows. We are also good at giving each other space, and allowing each other time to fit in some hobbies/exercise around our daughter. We get out together a few times a month, and have a regular sex life.

BUT, my DP has made it very clear that he doesn't want to get married. He thinks his commitment is clear from all of the above, and doesn't see the point. In his mind it is a waste of money, that doesn't make any difference to our relationship. I understand what he is saying, but I'd really really like to get married. For me, it is the final show of commitment, it would be nice for our daughter to have married parents and it would complete me.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy and grateful for everything I have but I would like to get married. I'm not after a big expensive wedding and honeymoon, I just want to be married to the person I love. I don't go on about it to him as I think he'd get irritated in the end (he's said what he thinks!). Is this just something I need to forget about and get over? Am I being demanding? It's playing on my mind...grateful for your thoughts.

OP posts:

SuperiorCat · 14/08/2013 08:47

I'm sorry you feel bullied on this thread. I'm sure that was not intended. I think there are so many myths about common law spouse status which is in fact non existent that posters want you to be protected and can't understand why you're DP wouldn't want the same for you.

SlumberingDormouse · 14/08/2013 09:09

My mother was in exactly your position about 20 years ago, OP. When my (very high-earning) father left her when I was in my teens, he threw her out of the house and left her with absolutely nothing. He was legally able to do this because they were not married. I couldn't agree more with other posters who say that you need legal protection, especially now you have a child together. Good luck.

12345Floris · 14/08/2013 12:17

If your boyfriend's view on marriage is 'it's just a bit of paper', then marriage is no if deal at all, so no effort for him really ;)

12345Floris · 14/08/2013 12:19

no big deal that should read.

Seriously, come at it from the legal/financial viewpoint. Couples are better off married in the long term.

Women marry for romance. Men marry...to please their partner.

Disclaimer: never been married, never been asked, never likely to be married, but I can dream ... :D

ALittleStranger · 14/08/2013 22:01

I think what is sad, and other partners have stated, is that for you marriage clearly matters a lot and your DP is refusing. For him it allegedly doesn't matter, but you have to acquiesce to that. Why does his preference get to win out?

Marriage is clearly not just a piece of paper. It is a big commitment and I would want to question anyone who refused to make that commitment to me, but otherwise claimed to be committed. They're just not, even though they may love me deeply etc. I'd assume that it was more plausible that they knew deep down that they weren't committed for the long-haul, but felt it was too difficult to say this to the mother of their child.

Not getting married may work for some couples and a meaningful commitment may be there, but I am sceptical that can be the case when it is only half the couple that doesn't "believe" in marriage.

Squitten · 14/08/2013 22:13

I think you need to have a very blunt chat with him and properly spell out to him how important being married is to you. IMO, if his objections are truly only cost and the fact that he doesn't really care one way or the other, then surely the answer is to have a very quiet wedding so that you are satisfied? No loss to him.

If he has other objections then he should be very clear about what they are as they are likely to be significant.

wifeymerrick · 14/08/2013 23:48

Hi......I was the one who wanted to be married and dp didn't with the same argument it's only a piece of paper.....it meant too much to me both emotionally and spiritually and I sat down with him and explained it without tears:-) which was hard because it normally came put in heated moments......we r now ..8 years married, a small chapel wedding with 24 guests for the whole day .!it's mote than a piece of paper to me x

SuperiorCat · 15/08/2013 00:12

I have been married to DH for over 15 years. Neither of us wear a wedding ring, I don't always use my married name, we didn't have a wedding, we didn't even tell anyone we were doing it.

It doesn't have to be a big public declaration; it doesn't need to be expensive; you don't need to turn bridezilla but if it is not a big deal and he is committed to you then he would want you to have the security that the piece of paper can offer.

Wellwobbly · 15/08/2013 13:08

'If I said 'marry me or I'll leave you' that's just making someone get married who doesn't want to, and I think that's more likely to break us up!'

is a perfect example of why women tell themselves reasons why they are not important and so shoot themselves in the foot.

What motivates men is LOSS.

Wellwobbly · 15/08/2013 13:10

Your need to be publically declared as important to him is just as important as his need not to be arsed OP.

I know someone who was with someone for over 10 years and had 3 children. He left her and married that woman within months.

So don't tell yourself that your needs count less than his.

Organic100 · 15/08/2013 14:21

Men are naturally afraid of marriage today. Many men have been destroyed through divorces and it's mostly women who end up filing for the divorce.

Smerlin · 15/08/2013 14:56

My DH had a similar-ish attitude to yours- thought marriage was just a piece of paper and wasn't bothered either way. However because he knew it was important to me, we did get married.

He proposed himself and did not feel forced into it- it was more that he would have happily lived together or happily married- either was ok to him but only one was ok to me.

It depends whether your partner is really against marriage or just indifferent. If just indifferent then maybe the arguments about legal implications and just doing a private registry office thing would persuade him?

Tbh I didn't even realise myself what a big difference there is legally until reading the link others have posted!!!

KeepCoolCalmAndCollected · 15/08/2013 16:14

You sound very upset, and I don't want to upset you even more, BUT please bear in mind Wills etc can very easily be changed (I know this from bitter experience). Marriage will give you far greater protection.

SDhopeful · 15/08/2013 16:31

No-one has said you are not loved! If you are hearing that, it is only because of your own unexpressed fears. What people are doing is pointing out the practicalities. You can choose to ignore them or address them.

SDhopeful · 15/08/2013 16:33

I speak as someone whose DH had a similar view, but I did not want to have DC with a person who was not committed to me, and commitment is marriage. He chose to marry me rather than lose me - not because of and 'ultimatum' that's simply how I felt. However, if you already have Dc, you put yourself in a more difficult situation - better to have that conversation pre-DC.

storynanny · 15/08/2013 18:41

Always, I feel for you and totally understand how you are feeling. I'm probably nearly 30 years older than you and my children are adults, but would love to be married to my partner of 8 years. Obviously not for the same reasons as posters have quite rightly said, ie income, pension, children etc, but just as outward sign of total commitment.
Sadly it's not going to happen for me, I knew how adamant he was right from the beginning that he would not remarry after being widowed aged 40 and has even said we would have to split up if Cmarriage is a must for me. I've decided after a lot of soul searching that it's not a deal breaker for me but not sure I would have felt the same if I was in your position. Like others have said, a quick trip to the reg office cuts out all the expensive need for legalalities to be put into place if you remain unmarried. You really do need to go to a solicitor though if he is adamant about not being legally married.
I too think I'm too old to "have a bôyfriend" and don't really like the term partner so quite often refer to him as husband.
Re asking him why he doesn't want to get married, I've tried that too but he was unable to come up with a definite reason!
Hope you sort something out which makes you feel happier.

storynanny · 15/08/2013 18:43

And yes I'm aware that in my case his preference has won, not sure I've come to terms with that yet completely

emye · 15/10/2013 17:22

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Dahlen · 15/10/2013 18:09

I think if you are very much financially equal then the significance of marriage as a commitment very much diminish. If you have similar salaries and earning potential, similar pensions and legally provable joint assets, you're probably as protected as you need to be. You may miss out on certain benefits you could extend to each other if you cohabit rather than marry, but if you are able to each provide those for yourself, no big deal.

If that financial equality isn't there, however, you really ought to take legal steps to protect yourself. That doesn't mean having to get married; but it will mean a few visits to a solicitor to draw up wills, check the status of pensions, have legal proof that your DP wants you to take on the next of kin responsibility as if you were a wife, etc. etc. Your DP may not want to get married, and that's fair enough, but if he doesn't want to protect your interests and offer you protection in the event of his death, I'd be somewhat .

olathelawyer05 · 15/10/2013 18:57

OP - Would you be happy with a marriage 'ceremony' without the legalities, or is it your desire to be legally married with contractual element that comes with that? (PS. It's not a trick question).

Your partner sounds like me, but I have a girl who's view on marriage are pretty much as cynical as mine.

Wellwobbly · 15/10/2013 22:03

'Marriage is just a piece of paper'.

No it isn't. it really, really isn't.

PumpkinGuts · 15/10/2013 22:32

zombie thread guys

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