Feeling rejected..... what to do?

[giantpurplepeopleeater]

Ok, so DP and I have had a rocky patch of late.

We are trying to deal with things and be better. We have had some major rows, but hopefully, have put that behind us. My biggest problem.... we are not having sex. At all. It has been over 2 months now.

I've always had a slightly higher libido than DP. At the start we were well matched, but not long before we moved in together he took on an incredibly good, but stressful job role. I've tried to deal with the dwindling sex life as best I can, but find it hard. For a good while we were keeping it up to once or twice a week, then it became infrequent, now it's nothing.

I don't doubt that in some part, this is an issue that has caused some of our rocky patch, but I think in the most part it is a symptom rather than a case. My biggest issue is my reaction to the lack of sex, and I don't know what to do about it.

Sex has always been a fairly big part of life for me. Not in an obsessive way, but in a way that it was regular, and also common to do things like dress sexy, send cheeky messages, have a go at something new, buy toys etc.

DP has made it clear of late that he is not interested in sex at all. At first it was that he was too tired, then he blamed our rows etc, now that we are moving out of the rowing phase he says he just doesn't feel like it. I've tried not doing anything/ mentioning it at all, I've tried seducing, I've tried playing around, I've tried just being intimate with kisses and hugs.

It just all seems wrong, either for me or DP, and upsetting. I've told him I don't know how to act....... I don't know whether I should just scrap it all together, or try to get him in the mood every now and again. I feel like everything I do in this case is wrong.

If I try to just stick to kisses and cuddles, he rolls over in bed and goes to sleep without actually spending any time being 'intimate' (in a non-sexual way). If we are having fun and in a good mood and I try to get him in the mood he senses it and 'shuts down' to try and avoid it, or gets snappy with me.

I'm just left feeling terribly rejected, unwanted, unloved and greatly irritating to him. He won't tell me outright whether there is an issue beyond 'just not being in the mood' or be clear with me whether there is anything I can do that would make the situation better. He won't tell me 'just don't try anything at all' to avoid the 'shutting down' and 'snappiness' when I do try, so I don't know what to do for the best.

The worst part is I find myself getting snappy, or upset, or argumentative....... because I feel so rejected and unhappy about it all. I know this isn't making anything better, but I don't know what to do.

Any help?

I know that some of my reaction to not having sex comes off as sulking, in a 'because I can't get my own way' type of scenario.

It's genuinely not. However, I do feel extremely hurt and upset when I get rejected, and find it hard to conceal that. I sometimes also react in anger, because I feel like he's checked out, and not actually interested in making this work at all.

He see sex as the last kind of intimate act, the thing you can only do when your in love and everything is great. Where as I see at it more as the glue, the way you hold together, how you show you love/ care and how you put arguments and crappy shit to bed.

Doesn't sound like your sulking at all. I agree it sounds like a symptom of everything else.

Sex can be many different things but I don't think it should ever be used as a weapon (as your DP appears to be, to express his unhappiness). On the other hand, if he is unhappy and doesn't feel like he can commit emotionally in that way then it's not really fair to expect him to.

Sounds like you need to talk properly about it all?

I'm not totally convinced it's a weapon..... he just tells me he doesn't feel like it at the moment. Which makes it impossible to challenge.

I wish I could talk to him. He is not the talking kind.

I just ending up tying myself all in knots. I've told him I don't know how to react/ what to do, and that it's upsetting me. Not sure what else I could say.

Hi op, I completely understand why you're feeling rejected and unwanted; I would feel the same, especially when you're making effort to instigate things etc. It's understandable to want to feel close and 'bonded' with your DP again and the need to be intimate.

At a guess, your DP might be feeling under pressure to feel and act a certain way..also often when you haven't had it for a while for whatever reason, libido naturally declines by quite a lot and sometimes takes a while to increase again. So, although the rough patch may be over, it takes a while to adjust again.

As an alternative to talking about it, I'd suggest not bringing it up again for a while (a good couple of weeks at least if you can manage it) and focus on being more lighthearted and chat, try to reconnect, but without making it sexual, keep yourself busy and happy too (doing things you enjoy etc). If he is feeling under pressure that would give him some space to work his man stuff out (if that doesn't sound to sexist!) and stop you from feeling rejected and bad in the meantime. I'm guessing it'll pick up again naturally.

I am of course making a big assumption here that this is the only major area of concern in your relationship and that everything else is good?
Good luck

Thanks both.

Capital - we are working through things, I do think this is probably the only major area of concern.

I had been thinking about this. My reluctance to leave it alone for quite so long has been about (a) making sure he doesn't feel I've checked out (b) because I feel so terrible and unhappy about it and (c) becuase I don't feel we can be close and bonded without it.

But yes, I guess that might be seen as being pressured.

How do I stop myself from feeling so crappy and rejected by it.... I find it so hard to keep a lid on those emotions when we are going to sleep in the same bed, him with his back to me, snoring away like nothing is amiss. I feel myself getting wound up about it. :(

That's the difficult thing; making sure your own self-esteem isn't affected by this and stopping yourself seething with resentment about it! But it can be done - a good course of action may be to distract yourself/remove yourself from the situation for the moment so that you're not focusing on it so much. Go out for the evening, do something, do anything you really enjoy so its not the only thing you're thinking about.

It's incredibly difficult not to get caught up in the 'I have unmet needs, I feel rejected and hurt' way of thinking and although its valid you feel like that, it doesn't help you get back on track.
Sometimes you can't push things and unfortunately you can't always make someone become a talker (I've tried!) especially if they need their space (and I speak from experience here as going down the seduction/sulking/hurt route myself )

To avoid him feeling like you've 'checked out', do you tell him you love him much? it's the little (often non-sexual) gestures that can strengthen the connection.

That said, long term, you do absolutely deserve intimacy and to be happy.

Thank you! Thank you so much.

I have been beating myself up about all of this for so long. Just having someone tell me they've been there and I'm not acting like a spoilt child, but have genuinely hurt feelings helps. It helps such a lot.

I just need to make myself very busy for a couple of weeks or so don't I?

Yes - I do tell him I love him, and we've been kissing and hugging. I've made quite a point about kissing him - even though they are only little pecks on the lips, I wan't him to know I'm not angry etc.

I'm going to try it. I've tried talking to him... he just gets angry at the moment. He kind of knows how I feel. I'll give it a couple of weeks.... then I may be back asking for some more advice!!

In his view... I am acting terribly though aren't i?

If it was the other way round.... I'm the guy pestering for sex and then getting upset/ mad/ stroppy when I don't get it!

Why do I feel this way? Why do I feel so upset about it?? Why can't I respect his need for space?

You're very welcome & honestly purple, you're not acting like a spoilt child at all, you're just feeling hurt & rejected, it's natural.

That's great that you've got the loving side of things there, it's a very good sign in fact. As you say, it's important he knows you're not angry.

Do that, leave it a couple of weeks and check back in on here if nothing has changed, though you may well have a breakthrough

And you're not acting terribly! you feel the way you feel and you're missing the intimacy and connection you get when you have sex. What helped me was to grasp, really grasp that people are different and some people like talking about things and thrashing them out, but others feel under pressure in those situations and don't like talking, they need space to process things and feel normal again..we're all different.

Go on, I'm ordering you to go out and have some fun and take your mind of it!

(sorry, didn't meant to be quite so bossy at the end )