Divorcing dh - will he ever do the right thing and see sense?

[feelingvunerable]

Hi there,
There is a hell of a lot of backstory but I will cut to the chase.

Been married 20 years, most of it happily.
Dh started to act "strange" and began to criticise me.
He left then begged to come home saying everything wrong in the marriage was his fault. He agreed to make changes. He did for approx 3 weeks then reverted back to doing things I didn't like.
I asked him to leave again and he begged for another chance promising that he would put me and the dcs first.
He told me I was the love of his life and all he wanted. Before the week was out he had left, again, this time i was the one begging him to come home. He told me it was a temporary break and that he didn't want to divorce and we could maybe work things out he just needed his space etc etc.

Anyway turns out there was ow. a good friend told me. He point blank refused to meet me face to face, so I confronted him over the phone. He lied through his back teeth, denied everything.

He was driving me mad and making me ill.
He refused to cook for kids.
He refused to have them every other weekend. Everything I suggested was met with a no.
He told me I was pathetic and to stop bothering him, he mocked me over the phone, told me he didn't have to see his kids at all. I couldn't believe what I was hearing.

Friends told me that whilst he was still dangling me on a string he was in our local pub with her, they were disgusted.

I even bumped into him on a night out and he was with her acting as if it was the most natural thing in the world!
I am still on medication.
My eldest dd has said she hates him.
On the first weekend he had dd2 he took her to the ow house! She doesn't want to go again.

He has not paid any maintenance.
He is threatening to not pay the mortgage.
He is threatening to stall the divorce.
He keeps sending texts-some appearing nice and then telling me he has cancelled x and Y.
The ow has said nasty things about my dd1, and he has took her side.

He is in debt and doing nothing about it.
He cancelled a hotel booking and I had to rebook.
He has taken the family car.
He questions dcs about where I am and who with.

I would like an outcome of civility especially for the sake of our beautiful children.

Has anyone had experience of this? will he see sense and do the right thing or will he always be a total twat?

Our dcs are 16, 14 and 11 and know he is with her-he very kindly showed dd1 the text message he sent me, stating that he was now seeing x and the kids would just have to get used to it (his exact words)

I do have a solicitor and am seeking a divorce and have been in contact with the csa.

Thanks for reading all this.

Hi there. I didn't want to just read and run. I'm afraid I have no experience of this but he sounds awful (now if not before) so I'm very pleased for you that you are no longer with him. hoping someone else will come along with some good advice for you

Hi, and blimey I agree with cloudskitchen you are much better off without this person. I'm confused on a couple of points, firstly is there an 'arrangement' in place about seeing your children? Secondly, it sounds like he has some big 'issues' with you, what does he want and why is he threatening you over the mortgage, stalling the divorce etc....? What is the timescale of all of this?
Anyway, my advice is to keep a diary and copies of his text messages etc... and try to move forward with the CSA & family solicitor. Personally, my ex husband was completely off the planet in terms of bad behaviour before and for about a year after our divorce. Prior to the divorce I think he was petrified he was going to end up with 'nothing' financially and immediately after the divorce he took ages to get used to the new arrangements and not to see me as the baddie (although it was he who left for another woman and is remarried). However, we haven't had an argument for 2 yrs (and counting!) now, and get on better than we ever did. We reached a financial agreement and an agreement over access for dd who is now 8yrs old and we divorced when she was nearly 5yrs. So yes there is hope for the future but I think it comes from a shared interest over what is best for the child/ren.

Also, you say you are still on medication, I was also prescribed some kind of prozac type pill which I stayed on for a about a year. I had no previous history of needing medication of this type and found that it didn't really help, it was pretty tricky coming off it and I ended up wishing I'd never taken it, as it dulled my senses and I wasn't really on the ball at the time. Just my personal experience of course!

Hi
Just to clarify I tried speaking to him (over the phone as he completely refused my repeated attempts at meeting to discuss things)and he told me that he didn't have to agree to set times to see the children. If he had something on (particularly weekends) then his needs came first. His idea was that if one of us had something on,then the other person would be responsible for the children.

The next day he text saying that I was completely right! Hence one of the many examples of him being awkward via phone and then seeming to appear reasonable via text.
|He sees the children every other weekend but brings them back at 6pm so that he can go out. There is no formal arrangement for this and at present my solicitor is awaiting his formal proposal.

I have no idea why he is stalling.
My friends have suggested that he wanted his cake and to eat it.

I don't really think he will be happy with ow and her many young kids. He told me that he never really envisaged a future with her!! just flattered by the attention.

I am no longer engaging with him as I find him totally unreasonable.
I told him this would happen.
All the crap has been left to me and he has buried his head in the sand.
I suggested to dd2 that she ask her dad to go to the cinema with her, she replied she would rather go with me.
It's been over a week since her saw her.

she says I'm going out a lot (true) but the fact is if h was reasonable then she would be with him and wouldn't notice me going out.

Arrgh!

I'm still going through something similar, was married over 20 years, ex decided to end our marriage, spent months behaving as badly as he could towards me and our sons sometimes, with hindsight he did everything he could to make me end the marriage, except i was falling apart physically and mentally due to his mental abuse. The more i didn't argue back, and fell apart the angrier he got, think it was all about trying to make me end the marriage, so he could go off with the OW and it would be all my fault.

Had months and months of threats, text emails and verbal after he'd moved out, he was getting access to our sons, was stopping paying the mortgage (he did miss a few payments), was selling the family home etc
18 months on i havn't seen him to speak to for over a year, he waits in the car outside when he collects our sons, we've been divorced six months on (was on my unreasonable behaviour!), and the finances still havn't been sorted.

He sees our 2 youngest sons when it suits him, theres no routine, 2 weeks ago he offered to take them away for a weeks holdiay, they told me and i was fine about it (covered up my real feelings), then 24 hours later he texted to say the holiday was cancelled. Think he thought i'd say no they couldn't go, but i won't play games at all and especially not using our sons.

I'd say see a solicitor, think ex's make all the threats as they know how upsetting it is, use the CSA to get maintenance, see if you're entitled to spousal maintenance, I am although my ex doesn't want to pay it. If you're ex wants to force your children to see his OW when they don't want, its his relationship with them hes damaging. I spent a lot of time getting stressed over what my ex was doing with our sons and making them see his OW, but now i've realised i can't change his behaviour, he persuaded our sons to stay the night, then his gf had to sleep too, result was two embarrassed teenage sons, who've refused to sleep since.

Sending hugs, its an awful situation to be in, wouldn't wish it on anyone. The person who should love your children as much as you, is hurting them with his behaviour. Its not easy to cope with. Don't worry about the mediation, i'm on it too, not sure if it helps, but my panic attacks have stopped.

Ok. It's really tough to see clearly when all this crap is going down. Me and my ex went to an excellent (read expensive) independent mediation person prior to the divorce who made us sit around a table and hammer out the basics regarding money, property and access. To be clear she was a legal mediator not a family mediator. I think it saved us a LOT of cash in long run (as not communicating except via solicitors letters is lethal). So getting your ex to agree to that would be a big step forward in my opinion, even if the request came from your solicitor in the first instance he could chose who or which company to use as a Mediator as it has to be someone independent from your case anyway. I think our sessions were about £400 a shot and it took two sessions and we shared the cost. It wasn't a pleasant experience but it certainly helped and it made us both look clearly at the situation, as you have to be prepared in terms of your paperwork, budgets, expenses etc.... I remember being told that neither of us were going to be happy with the outcome, nor feel that we had 'won' rather that is the nature of a compromise, which at the end of the day is what you need to be looking for??

Thanks for all the replies.

He has ignored everything my solicitor wrote and sent a text saying he would pay mainenance at the end of this month (ie when it suits him). Meanwhile my family are buying food for the dcs and me and rallying round to help.

Again he has rejected my compromises over money and failed to come up with any contact arrangements.

A family friend is giving me money towards a new oven as mine broke months ago and dh was supposed to mend it but is totally unconcerned that his children have to go without.

Mediation would be good but as dh would not even agree to meet me then I think it very unlikely.

He has spiralling debts but continues to sit drinking in our local with ow, telling me and the kids that "he has no money."

Every single person I have spoken to has reassured me that I will be better off without him and not to expect anything from him as he is totally unreasonable.