Erectile dysfunction- don't know my confidence can take it

[Happeningagain]

Sorry for such a subject so early in the morning. Nc obviously. I'll try and be brief. I went out with a guy for three years who struggled with the above and although I tried not to make an issue out of it, essentially it never got better, if he could get an erection it never lasted beyond a few minutes, and the whole thing left me incredibly frustrated. I followed all the advice not to make an issue about it as that obviously makes it worse for the guy, but it left me feeling I could never really talk about it or tell him how much it upset me. I think (and I know this is my own issue) it left me feeling that it was somehow my fault, that I just wasn't desirable enough if that makes sense. He ended up hurting me very badly and we had a bad breakup. It's taken me a long time to feel ready to move on (not entirely sure I even am perhaps?) but I've been seeing someone for a few months now and finally slept with him at the weekend. And yep, same problem again. The first time we'd had a little to drink and he said he was nervous, so fair enough. But we tried again the next night and still nothing and to my shame I really didn't handle it well. I went into the bathroom and had a little cry, which is awful really. I can't imagine how he felt. I spent the rest of the night lying as far away from him as I could. So. Aside from that terrible behaviour, which I am going to apologise for, what do I do now? I know lots of men supposedly suffer from ed. But to have found two men in a row seems a little more than bad luck to me and it makes me feel massively rejected. I also feel a huge bitch because I've realised that if this is an issue for him, and not just nerves, then I just can't accept that. I was fine for the year and a half ive gone without any kind of sex while I've been single tbh. But if I'm in a relationship with someone I want to have a decent sex life. I know at worrying about this after two failed attempts is perhaps pretty premature, but i know with my ex I stayed far longer than I should have in a situation I wasn't happy with in an attempt to spare his feelings, and in doing so I pushed my needs and feelings aside. I don't want to have to do that again. The problem here is that this new man is lovely. Sweet, kind and he does adore me. It might be worth mentioning he hasn't been in a relationship himselfmfornaround five years, so perhaps that's also a factor. I know I need to talk to him about this, but I also know I need to get my feelings straight about it or I risk being incredibly selfish. So how much or this kind of thing is normal at the start when you're both a bit nervous? He did say it doesn't normally happen. Which is what my ex also said, so I'm struggling to know if I can trust that. And yes, he's not my ex, but he's my only experience of this kind of thing and it worries me to know that in his case it didn't get better. I just don't want to end every kind of attempt at sex we have feeling rejected and undesirable. I'm sure it's not great for him either, I'm more an aware of how excruciatingly embarrassing it must be for him too. But with it being something best not made an issue a out if you want it to get better, how do you go forward?

Although it seems selfish, I would look for someone else. There is nothing wrong with wanting a good sex life. It's such early days in the relationship, and this is just one of the things you are "testing" for (can't think of a better word, sorry!) e.g if he was rude to waitresses you'd maybe think about not taking things further. So it's a bit like that.

First rule in this situation: sleep together, cuddle, foreplay,etc, but do not have actual intercourse. Do that for awhile until he is achieving a consistent erection. HUGE problem in modern sexual relations is that intercourse is the goal, with everything else a sideshow. WRONG! WRONG! WRONG! Trust me, if you do this for awhile, say a couple of weeks, it will all come right. You both need to relax.
My current beau was like yours, very little to no sex for previous several years,but as we have progresses, things are much better.
If he is a keeper, then it is worth persisting. This is a solvable problem. But you do need to work on talking about it. Good luck!

Been there done that got the t-shirt :)

It WILL get better hang in there and be patient.

You sound like you like this new man, my dp struggled when we first met, been together 3 yrs now and it was all to do with feeling at ease,confident and comfortable with new partner.

Hang in there x

Thank you moan, that's what I need to hear. Tbh, until it was obvious that nothing was happening, we were both having a good time. He's actually far better at the other stuff than my ex ever was. But when it was noticed and became an issue (for him, not me) it became awkward and just a bit mortifying tbh. Also, both these guys have thought it ok to (sorry for the far tmi) jab their fingers in me quite roughly, to make an attempt at some kind of penetration I suppose, which I just hate and makes me a bit shaky tbh as it's not something I like at all. He did stop as soon as I said to be more gentle, and that's not the issue here anyway, but it just makes it more obvious to me that perhaps I need to be more clear about what I want. And communication is a massive issue for me anyway, I'm naturally one to keep my cards quite close to my chest and put others first, but I need to know there are situations where that's not ideal. My big problem is that in speaking about this its bringing up stuff about my ex. I don't really want to have to relate this problem back to him but I'm going to have to. I'm not sure I'd be comfortable about anyone comparing me to their ex in bed! But moan, your idea is a good one. I might say to him that for a while we can do 'everything but' and see where that goes. He's not text me so far this morning ( he leaves v early for work) and I haven't either so there's obviously going to be some awkwardness we have to deal with first. Gah.

You dont say how old you are. Medical issues also come into play in your 40's with BP and diabetes medication.

Both early thirties and he's very fit so I don't think there are medical issues. I do think its most likely psychological, the first time he said he'd just been thinking about it for so long (!) that he was just so nervous. But then I thought that about my ex too. See the problem here? Ind feel like my expectations have been coloured by him. I did everything 'right' with him and it never did get better. But I will say, I always had my niggles with him, whereas with this new guy he makes me happy and its all very easy. So I don't want to throw it away for the sake of a few bad attempts at a shag. But equally I don't want to hurt him or string him along when tbh it is a big deal to me if its never going to get better.

Putting the ex to one side. And I wouldn't mention it at this point to him.

It can be difficult at first due to nerves, feeling under pressure.

As a pp said, just spend a few nights kissing and cuddling, chatting, even foreplay, getting to know what you both like and don't. With no pressure for either of you to perform. And just laugh if anything goes a bit wrong. You will likely find the problem goes away once you're both more comfortable with eachother.

Hi, just wanted to add that this happened with my current DP on occasion when we were very first sleeping together. Alcohol was often involved and nerves/awkwardness were sometimes a factor I think. A few years on it is not an issue at all so it really was just an early blip.
Understand that your issues with your ex are making this harder for you to deal with, so maybe as others say talk to him and say you want to slow down, take the pressure off and enjoy foreplay as the main event for a while.

Thank you everyone. He's sent me a message that his mind is all over the place so its obviously on his mind too, poor guy. I'll see if he wants to come over later so we can talk. I'm chronically rubbish at talking abiut my feelings so ill just keep my fingers crossed that it goes ok.

excruciatingly embarrassing See, I don't know if I'd use that, firstly he must have felt equal dismay at not sustaining an erection, both times; the second time, he was probably mortified when you were so upset you cried, in both instances I think you each reacted to pressure of expectations.

Waiting initially was probably a good idea but it then meant when you finally got around to it, everything seemed a huge deal.

If this had all happened within days or weeks of meeting and dating, I would suggest next time you could stay dressed, just "make out", stay in the living room, or wherever. Take things slowly, touch doesn't have to mean penetration.

He can't very well present you with sworn affidavits from ex gfs to say how wonderful a lover he is. I am sure you won't be comparing him to your ex or anyone else but it's such an act of trust, getting so intimate, we all hope there'll be rapid rapport and compatibility.

If either of you decide it isn't worth pursuing, fair enough. Months of dating followed by an anti climax (sorry) must make you wonder whether you wasted your time, but it seems a shame if before the bedroom scene, so to speak, he seemed so keen on you and you were both attracted to each other.

Donkeys, sleeping with someone is such a big deal for me that it inevitably follows a few months of dating. I have such issues that I need to really really trust someone first. When I say I cried, I did, but not big histrionics, were talking about making my excuses to go to the loo, shedding a few hot tears of frustration and rejection, washing my face and going back. But I didn't know what to say afterwards, I'd already said the first time that he didn't have to apologise, that I didn't mind, but knowing this has happened twice, I suppose I realised that I did mind. We spent the whole day together after the first time and I know it was on my mind all day, hoping that that night would be better. And we had such a good day. But I know if I was thinking about it then he probably was too, which probably added to the pressure. Also, while I'm talking tmi anyway, since having the dc I have been much, erm, drier than I ever used to be. I do get wet, but it doesn't last for long iykwim. I do wonder if he takes that as a sign I'm not interested, so I have my own physical issues too, related to a traumatic birth or not, I don't really know. Perhaps even hormonal? I think we need to push past the squeamishness and just talk, I really don't want to throw this away when I'm far from a goddess in the sack myself. I just want a decent shag after so many years without! But I've been out and bought some lube (oh the embarrassment ) as I know it'll defnately help me, and he'll probably like it too.

It is a big deal for me too. Fwiw I reckon after the Great Expectation however successful it is often a more relaxed effort. I don't think anyone should settle for less but there's an extra degree of pressure to put on a good performance. I am probably old fashioned in thinking a balance of considerate behaviour and unbridled enthusiasm with occasional helpful suggestions rather than one person's idea of What My Partner Wants gleaned from film or magazines is more 'real'.

(Anyone recall 'feathery strokes' from a thread years' ago?).

Oh god yes, feathery strokers. I remember it (hideously) well . We just saw each other at a mutual friends dd's birthday (we met through them) and it was a wee bit awkward but he's coming over when he leaves there (I had to come home to put dc to bed) so I am hopeful we can clear the air and get back to being ok with each other. I won't lie, I've had a wee drink to steady my nerves, but I'm going to just lay myself bare I think. I think this would be a good opportunity to let him know about my insecurities too. I think it'll help in a strange way that we're both a bit vulnerable. And yes, I'm totally with you on the communication making sex better. I just need to feel ok to tell someone what I like, but funnily enough today has made me really think about this relationship and I really d t want to throw it away because he's not a mind reader you now? I can't expect him to now what I'm thinking so I'm actually horribly embarrassed about my behaviour and silence last night. All I had to do was tell him it was ok.

Happened a few times when I first had sex with new man. He was very nervous. I ignored it tbh and encouraged him to satisfy me in other ways . Then he relaxed eventually and it's not happened again even after lots of booze.

This happened to me with a new partner, he also hadn't had much sex for the previous 3ish years.

He took the initiative himself and got some Viagra from his GP.

He took it on 3-4 occasions, and after that didn't need to any longer, and things were fine.

Hope the conversation goes well tonight.

Probably a bit extreme but the only guy who suffered from this that I have erm, known, turned out to have a massive porn problem and extreme fetish stuff.

Just saying....

Lube is always an ice breaker - it shows you cared enough to go through the ordeal of buying it I think he will appreciate that.

I hope you have an enjoyable evening

Phew. All that worry for pretty much nothing. We had a good talk, I've said sex is off the menu for a little while while we both get to know each other a bit better, and whaddya know, the pressure beng off made all the difference :) I'm going to stick to that a little while though as its actually really lovely just messing around, with my ex it was always a case of hurrying up before he lost it, to the extent that it was always about him really, so to have someone actually paying attention to my needs is pretty damn fabulous. Thanks for all the advice :)

wahey

Im really pleased for you