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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

has he changed?

10 replies

ladypippins · 12/08/2013 22:14

After 2years of emotional/verbal abuse and some physical I left my husband and took my 2 year old to a rental I organised.

I was there for 3 nights before I agreed to move back - he convinced me he'd changed. There has only been a small amount of shouting and I have only been told that 'I don't think' instead of useless bitch/c##t etc. What stuns me is that after 10 weeks of being back he hasn't returned to type. It shows to me he knew what he was doing the whole time.

Did I overreact moving out? Has anyone had any similar experiences?

I have asked him what changed but he won't open up and doesn't have too as I'll only make a note of it and go running back to my solicitor.

OP posts:
CoffeeandScones · 12/08/2013 22:16

ten weeks is not long; he's probably trying to stay on 'best' behaviour (though he still sounds like an arse - would you be happy even with his 'improved' state?)

Chubfuddler · 12/08/2013 22:19

No he hasn't changed. His behaviour might have temporarily improved but I very much doubt he has changed.

I'm saddened you think you over reacted by leaving and wish for your sake you hadn't gone back.

If you feel you have made a mistake doing so (and I'm to tell you - you have) you can leave again, you don't have to "see it through" and you can drop any nagging thoughts of "made my bed better lie in it". You can change your mind, it's allowed. And you don't have to wait for him to "do" something again. You are allowed to decide that even if he has changed, it's too late and you can't get past his previous behaviour. Even if he has changed being in a relationship is voluntary. Don't feel obliged.

MadameBlavatsky · 13/08/2013 00:20

No, he's not changed. Men like him don't. He chooses when to be abusive when it serves him, ditto the 'nice' side. It's all part of the act.

He doesn't need to be abusive again for you to decide that it's over. The damage is done. He was abusive. You can't and shouldn't forgive him or forget.

You can decide to end the relationship just because you no longer want to be in it. You don't need any further 'proof' that he's a twat, he has proved that beyond any doubt.

cozietoesie · 13/08/2013 00:24

.......There has only been a small amount of shouting and I have only been told that 'I don't think' instead of useless bitch/c##t etc........

Goodness - and you think this is a wholesale improvement ? Enough to last you the next umpty years ?

YoniBottsBumgina · 13/08/2013 00:40

Okay, I'm sorry OP to burst your bubble, but no, in no way has he changed. He is still shouting and putting you down. Yes, it is less than before, yes it is a small improvement - perhaps, when compared to his previous behaviour, it feels like a massive improvement, however, this is not something that can change gradually and make small improvements over time. This is really hard to accept! When you see someone you love "trying" and appearing to make progress towards a goal that you want for them, it's natural to want to react positively towards that - but this is not appropriate with abusive relationships.

The problem is that it isn't his behaviour or way of expressing his anger/frustration/whatever which is wrong. The problem is that he is getting angry and frustrated about things which are not reasonable to get angry about. Abuse is about control, it always is - it doesn't matter if he hits you or not, shouts or not, explicitly tells you you can't do this or you must do that, or not. The problem is that he thinks he has the right to control you, the shouting (verbal abuse) is the result of this. The shouting might have reduced, but he's still shouting, ie, he is still trying to control you. He still thinks he has that right.

Your last sentence of the OP - those are his words, right? They sound like something that would come out of the mouth of an abuser, especially one who doesn't fully trust that you've come back and relaxed into the relationship again, ie, hasn't let his guard down and relaxed.

Think about it - how much can somebody fundamentally change their personality and expectations of life in 3 days? How can they suddenly be happy in a "normal", equal relationship when 3 days before they were enjoying being top dog and ensuring that they kept that position by enforcing it with fear and control?

Lweji · 13/08/2013 00:44

I agree.
He hasn't changed and he won't.
He's just making sure you won't leave yet.

You seem to have suffered to bad that you are still being abused and don't notice it.

It will slowly go back to what it used to be or become worse but different.

Sorry.

Do go to your solicitor.

Gruntfuttocks · 13/08/2013 01:55

No, he hasn't changed, and neither have you. He's still abusive and you are still accepting it. Sorry, but that's the bottom line. Get out and stay out if you know what's good for you and your kid.

Distrustinggirlnow · 13/08/2013 06:30

Yes of course he knew what he was doing. Like he knows what he is doing now. Controlling you.

Looks like he started being abusive when your little one was born. Nice. How long before he shouts at them and tells them they 'don't think'

Get out OP

ladypippins · 13/08/2013 09:11

Thanks for taking the time to respond. Yes Yoni, those were his words at the end.

I'm going to arrange counselling for myself to help me work through what I want. I think I left my rental at the first sign of remorse because it felt so overwhelming to be on my own (together 18 years). I still have the rental until November (it has crossed my mind that he will revert back once he knows its no longer an option for me.

OP posts:
Chubfuddler · 13/08/2013 09:42

Go back to your rental. Even if this relationship can be salvaged (and I'm afraid I don't think it can) the boundaries need to be massively redrawn.

I sat in my rented house the first night and thought "Christ what now?" Six months on wild horses couldn't make me go back.

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