He has zero interest in his own baby.

[FennCara]

STBXH and I have three DCs, he left when I was pregnant with our third, who's now two weeks.

DS is 3 1/2, DD1 is 20 months and he has them two nights a week and obviously loves them. He was besotted with DS from day one, adored him. DD1 he ignored more or less until we split up, then went all superdad and thinks she's marvellous. They are always happy to see him and literally wait at the window giggling when he's coming to pick them up. This is a massive relief for me and I'm genuinely glad they are happy to go with him, even if he openly admits he never wanted DD1 (despite her being planned) but "wouldn't wish her away now" [suspicious]. I hope she doesn't pick up on this, ever.

DD2 was not planned. Contraception fail, could not believe it. He insisted I went to Marie Stopes but refused to come with me. I went to second appointment and literally ran out when the nurse left the room. Total panic, didn't know wtf I was doing. I knew I was keeping her and DH could go if he felt differently. Took him another four months of indecision but he finally found a woman twice my age to ease his exit.

Throughout my pregnancy the baby was "it", "that thing" and apparently"wasn't his". He wasn't at the scans or when i was admitted to hospital time after time. At the 8 month mark he had a change of heart and was at the (terrifying) birth. He wasn't much of a comfort but he's at least straight-talking, didn't care either way if he was there but for DD2 I was glad he was.

But he left almost immediately, didn't come back and wasn't seen for two days. He's seen her for maybe an hour or two in total over two weeks, when picking up/dropping off the other two. He won't hold her, can't see the point, she just "eats, shits and cries". Well... she's a baby. As was DS but he held him.

I can't force him. I have a feeling he'll decide she's interesting enough in a few years and will want her to stay with him. How will that work, she'll barely know him. Poor little thing. She's a beautiful, placid baby. Gorgeous. Every bit as amazing as DS & DD1. I feel he's just rejected her because he's rejected me. But I was just his wife, she's his DAUGHTER. He sees her as a failed abortion. I just can't imagine pick 'n' mixing my children like that. How will it affect the others? How do I make this better?

You can't stop someone from being a shithead unfortunately. Tbh I would worry more about your two older children being around someone like him.

I can't imagine how this must be for you, and don't want you to go unanswered. I don't have much experience with this but think that for now you concentrate on giving your newborn what she needs and make sure that your other children know that they are all treated the same and loved equally whatever STBXH says or does.

I do worry about the attitudes he might pass on to the older two. They are mad for him though. I can't find enough reason to keep them away from him that would carry any weight if he challenged it. And I think he should be there for them.

How about the fact that he sees their sister as a "failed abortion"?

In your shoes I would say he either sees all three children or none at all.

I will. I actually will.

I'm inclined to agree with Cailin TBH. How DARE he?? He can't just pick and choose which of his children he likes enough to interact with.

I know that they have an existing relationship with him and it wouldn't be fair to just sever that suddenly, but it's just ridiculous - I was going to say it would be fine in the short term because the new baby doesn't have a relationship with him and won't be able to feel left out until she's older, but that's not the only issue at all - the other issue is how he deals with the issue that she exists and he doesn't want her to, with the others. They are presumably excited about their baby sister and will want to talk about her - will he ban them from doing so? Will he make little snide remarks to them which they in their innocent way will not be able to filter as being utter rubbish, and absorb with as much credibility as anything else? What if they feel frustrated with the new baby, as older siblings often do, and he picks up on this? Will they not feel confused that he is all of their dads but doesn't see the baby?

I think it's potentially massively damaging for all of them, TBH, and not just in the long term but now as well (just more so in the future).

I think I would be seeking legal advice ASAP so that something can be put in place before DD2 is old enough to twig what is going on.

Good. Don't let him guilt you either. He can either stop being an utter prick and behave like a proper father or he can fuck off. You have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about.