Need to stand up for myself with relative - advice on what to say please!

[TexMex]

I'm civil partnered and have 2 lovely DD's, I'm biological mum of one and non-biological of another. Due to change in law we are both named as parents on birth certificates, and both equal parents in every way.

Visited relatives today. Conversation cropped up regarding non-bio DD and my relative came out with "she's not yours" and "you're just her step-mum". Obviously I was really angry initially, but am now really upset. I don't want comments like this made around the DD's and them growing up thinking we differentiate between then depending on who gave birth to them.

So I want to ring tonight and say I''m upset etc, but don't know exactly what to say and need to keep my cool. I don't want to come across as being unreasonable and I think the relative in question will make me feel this way. What shall I say? I hate confrontation but I really feel I need to say something.

Tbh, I'd write a letter or send an email explaining why they are both to be considered your natural children. Then, depending on any response and what the response is, react accordingly.

If its apologies and realisation, then perhaps bridges can be built. No answer, or not the one you want to hear, I'd detach, ignore, and go no contact.

You don't need a shit stirrer in yours and your family's lives.

Teeny

Say exactly what you just said here, you don't want your daughters growing up to feel there is any difference in they way their parents feel about them. So you'd prefer that who is who's bio daughter isn't brought up by family members. And you shouldn't have to be made to feel there is a difference either, your relative is a dick!

you need to start by saying " you hurt my feelings, you may have thought it light hearted, but you did. I want it recognised that we are both parents of both children in every single way, we eat sleep breath and care for these children in every way a parent can, and as much as i love you, if you can't accept that - we need to have a further conversation becuase this type of language can absoutley not be used around OUR children"

no doubt replies will be " oh didn't mean it etc

but youhave to be strong in your tone or else all your good intentions will go to waste, if there is an apology - accept the apology and dont go on about it " thank you, your apology means a lot, lets draw a line under it and we will see you soon"

" oh i didn't mean it like that all i meant was that ....."

should be met with

" as i previously stated, unless this changes we will have to have a urther conversation"

What was the context - was she questioning your commitment, or your right to discipline her or what?

Do you really need to phone her and take her to task? Does it have to be a confrontation?

Either way something like 'in our family we view both the dds absolutely equally in all respects, we hope that is clear to everyone. DD is mine and and I am her mother, and we'd like it if you helped us ensure both girls had the same sense of security and confidence in us as parents. Can you do that for us? thanks'

Sure someone will come along with something better soon though!

If you are both on the BC then you are both mum.

Same as adoptive parents are mum and dad.

Blood isn't all that you know.

I don't know how you approach the subject but I would wait. Sleep on it. Don't react today. And keep your DD's away from this relative until you have had this discussion.

could you say something along the lines of just wanting to call because today they mentioned ... non-bio mother, dont want to make an issue about it but 'as far as you and your partner are concerned you are raising both daughters together as a family and without difference regardless of whom you are biological mother to. You and your partner would appreciate it if the relative would respect this as you feel that this is the best way. You dont want either child to feel different/outsider.

Good luck I hope they can respect your decision.

Some really good advice here, thank you to all of you. I will sit on it for a while longer. I do feel I should ring tonight as I won't sleep if not, and feel the longer I leave it the more of an issue it will become. Obviously my partner is in agreement that I need to raise this (the relative has made homophobic remarks previously but I left these unchallenged as I didn't feel able to raise the issue) but I don't want a massive fall out or bad feeling for the rest of the family. Equally I want to make the point that we are a family. It's really lovely all the comments re-in forcing that we are, thank you

I understand you wanting a big fall out or bad feeling but there is already bad feeling in a way as you are agonising over what they have said and how to deal with it. You have nothing to lose really. Good luck.

Thanks again everyone. I plucked up my courage (following a large g&t) and just said what I'd said here. I explained that we're both parents on the birth cert (he said he knew that already and brushed it off). Basically didn't get much of an explanation other than he sees my bio DD as mine and partners DD as hers. I said we are both parents to BOTH girls, and no one is more important than the other just because we gave birth to them. He did apologise and I accepted it, and said I don't want that said in front of them again and he said he wouldn't, so let's hope that's that. I do think he is homophobic and can't or won't understand how we are all a family but let's see if he makes the effort now.

I'm quite proud of myself for ringing actually and discussing it!

Well done, Tex, not an easy call to make but the right thing to do.

Thanks! Feels good sticking my neck out for my girls!

Well done for dealing with them. Another g and t to celebrate I think!

Well done! you sound like a wonderful role model.

Well done for making that phone call and having the discussion.

Homophobia needs to be stood up to!

Thanks so much for all your support. I have put up with quite a few comments from this man re: my relationship and the fact we have chosen to have children, but I feel now I need to say something when it directly affects them. I feel I will do it every time he makes a homophobic remark now.

Aimee - thank you, I have never thought of myself as a role model so that made me swell with pride a little!