Need advice regarding contact with ex..

[boomoohoo]

Hi there, I have a 4 year old dd with an emotionally / psychologically abusive ex dp. She stays with him overnight once a week, spends about 24hours with him on average a week.

A recent occurance of wankerishness from ex has got me thinking whether it is safe for my dd to spend even this much time around her dad? Emotionally safe that is.

I have never wanted to come
between them and have always hoped that maybe one day she will see for herself what an arse he is.

I guess I wonder what kind of set up others have with regards to children with emotionally abusive men?

Thanks

bump..

sorry, i know this isnt as urgent as some others stuff.

Could you expand on the incident that prompted this new concern?

Your problem is not less important than others. Its just easier for other to offer better info if they have an better idea of what they are advising.

What was the 'recent occurance of wankerishness'?

You'll be the best judge of how safe she is as you know him/the history/potentially what he is capable of better than anyone on here (any level headed family members on hand to help and possibly provide advice and a sound POV?)

If she isn't safe around him, be it emotionally or physically, then yes -you need to protect her.

thank you for your replies. here is the recent incidence.. (not massive but turned into a huge deal)

i booked a venue for dd's bday party a few weeks ago, and called him to see if he would pay half towards it (he always attends btw and they have in the past been at my house). He refused as apparently i should have consulted him first. Fine, whatever.

in a conversation the other day about something entirely different, he drops in casually that he has 5 friends coming to the birthday party. 1 of which has never met her, one hardly ever see's her and the other is his newish girlfriend who dd has met once months ago. the other 2 friends she knows. i told him it was innappropriate for them to come for the following reasons:

none of my childless friends will be there, just close family and kids with their parent.

as he is not paying towards the party he is a guest. so to brazenly announce that he is bringing 5 people is very rude and disrespectful. he could have at the very least asked politely.

it will not benefit dd in the slightest if they are there. therefore they are coming for his benefit. which given the above two points, i do not feel obliged at all to enable.

he could not understand my points at all and called me spiteful and mental (as usual)

he then text me to tell me he had let his friends know that i didnt want them there, and that they were quite upset. the 2 friends i know.. i got texts from saying "have i done anything to offend you?" and "can i just come for a bit?" i emailed them and apologised for them being dragged into an argument. i reiterated my reasons and emphasized it was not personal.

we have not spoken since. i have no idea whether ex let alone friends will be there, although ex probably will be as he thinks he is a saint who is always right

i guess it makes me furious putting up with his shit.. i dont think it is affecting dd right now as a young child, cos he is just 'fun dad'. but i worry about her growing up and him role modelling his (sexist) views around her..

You are beyond in the right on this.

He pays he plays. If he wants to play host then he can throw his own party. The End.

You are neither spiteful or mental. It's a shame he had dragged your mutual friends into this (and if that's not "spiteful" I don't know what is! And honestly I would tell them the truth about it and just say its not that kind of party and he is being a bit difficult a first class knob about it.

these men love to do anything to keep their control, especially when they have none whatsoever.
Your party, your guests end of. Stand your ground, but on what info you have given, don't stop contact. It will hurt you in the long run. Your DD needs to see for herself what he's like.

Just a warning.

If you stop or reduce contact and it goes to court he could end up with more than he's getting now.

Every other weekend, a midweek, half the holidays, alternate Christmases.

One thing I learned early on is that my ex was an ex for a reason, we didn't share the same views on most things whilst together so it was hardly going to change post separation! By taking this view it helped me not to be wound up by his behaviour.If the separation is recent then I can understand there is time to adjust but over time it does get easier.

I don't think your ex should be restricted from seeing his daughter unless you are completely sure he is toxic and would put her at harm.It doesn't seem to be the case here.

Is he paying maintenance? Can you afford the party or do you need his contribution.
I did have a similar situation years ago over an event for my daughter.My ex invited family, who I got on with and he didn't contribute.I felt fortunate that I could pay for it.It did grate when he had suggested he had contributed but I gently informed his family that wasn't the case.

I'm glad I took the approach I did, my daughter knows I've always acted in her interests and we have an amazing bond as a result.She knows her dad has many faults, but she has benefitted in some ways,her love and comfort around animals is because of him.I do provide more, emotionally & materially but I also reap more rewards.If he puts less effort into their relationship he will get less back, all children reach that stage when they realise which parent acts selfishly.

Only last night we were looking at photos of the event and I'm so glad there are only happy memories.Whatever money I spent has been forgotten but she had a fab time with no negative feeling. She's now a grownup so I can give the other side and I would not have changed my approach.

One approach to your ex, if you have extra adult guests then I'm assuming you need to provide additional food.Can you ask him to contribute for food as obviously he would want his guests to be looked after.

I have the same dilemma (although dd is 5). I agree that you're in the right with this episode, but as Thats said, if this went to court, this incident would not been seen as justification to reduce contact, because there wasn't direct harm to your dd.

Based on bitter experience, there's a lot to be said for keeping it out of court if you can. If your dd is doing well, I wouldn't rock the boat at this stage. If you get to a point where you see harm occurring to your dd, that's the point at which to take a stand.

It's very, very hard to know when exactly you're at the point that you need to reduce contact. It can be even harder to convince a judge.

Your ex might model sexist views around your dd, but you are modelling the fact that you don't have to live with someone like that.

It sounds to me like you're at the stage of "watch and wait". Try to avoid responding to your ex's antics - just look bored and he might take less delight in it.

It's also worth taking a look at the Lone Parents thread, as this kind of discussion takes place there too.

agree with newlife look at bigger picture.

best is to not react at all - smile and wave... by getting into spats with him/his friends it doesnt help... and yes i have had ex at one dd's party i have organized and paid for and him being thanked by other parents for it and him acting as tho ehe paid etc... but it just isnt worth. you need to always act bigger than him.

i am not sure this (yes twattish behaviour, absolutely and v annoying) counts as "emotionally / psychologically abusive " .
i dont see it as "sexist" either but maybe you have other exmples?

yes he is trying to wind you up but it is his dd party and best is to grit teeth and smile for dd sake... right now he is "fun dad" to her and if you are seen in her eyes to be stoppping dad being there it might back fire...

as newlife says, when dd reviews pics of her parties later she will maybe need to know dad was there....

if venue is public place then anyone can come?
if is privately booked then check numbers allowed.

weird for adults to want to come to kids party but there you go...

where is party? if at eg soft play venue then just tell ex his guest will have to buy their own tea/coffeee/food from the counter.

if you providing a buffet type food then ask him to bring extra dishes.

jsut point out you only providing for kids (and maybe their parents - but usually if a venue you get kids food only and adults can buy their own drinks/food from the counter) .

send him an email, tell him dd wants him there, if he comes alone he needs to bring xxx for food, if he brings people they need to pay xx amount. leave it at that.

thank you for your replies. and for being on "my side", i half thought you might think i was overeacting / in the wrong.. he clearly still has a hold on me, i partly believe him still when he calls me mental.

we have been separated over 2 years.

in terms of sexism; this example is not him being sexist no, but he holds sexist views about women in general, thinks all women are mental, wants a barbie doll type with no opinions of her own.. (i still am in shock we were ever togther for any length of time and produced a baby.. and i thought i always wanted to be with him! ha!)

not sure if this is emotionally / psychologically abusive, but the general signs he has that point towards him being this are: he lacks empathy for anyone, he is never ever in the wrong, im always wrong / bad / its always my fault. if i try and challenge him about something he will always twist it so i end up apologising for causing him to be that way, puts me down / critisizes me, is very passive aggressive, gaslights always in arguments.. oh i could go on, there is more!

thank you also for legal advice.. will keep that in mind.

will grate on me that he may get praised for doing feck all! but i of course will suck it up and smile and smile away for dd's sake.

Detach detach. Don't get into discussion or argument.

Have you tired. Divorced and separated workshop ? Can be good. Or freedom programme.