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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Can you walk out on 24 years of marriage?

27 replies

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 12/08/2013 17:50

Can you? How? It's half my life almost. How do I know if it's the right thing to do?

OP posts:

HenWithAttitude · 12/08/2013 17:54

I did. Wish I'd had the courage to leave sooner tbh

Original poster

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 12/08/2013 17:57

How did you know Hen? (If that's too nosey feel free to ignore)

OP posts:

CoffeeandScones · 12/08/2013 17:57

Well, yes you can. 24 years might be half your life gone, but it'll be all your life to come.

HenWithAttitude · 12/08/2013 18:07

Hell- I didn't know. That is the problem. Like you I weighed up the happiness I felt (zilch) against a promise of being happy again against the trauma of a separation/divorce

So options were

Hope to be happy again and remember the good times....
Just put one foot in front of another and get through each day

So I stayed.

And stayed

And stayed.

We did go through a good patch

Then not

And I stayed
Etc.

The 'hump' you have to imagine being the other side of, is the divorce and separation.

When I dropped my petition through the door of the court I walked away with an uncontrolled smile on my face. I have never regretted divorcing. I have bitterly regretted the loss of a relationship but I'd lost that anyway.

Life is soooooo much better now.

What was my trigger? Death of someone I was close to and my own reaction. I viewed death as a happy release and suddenly realised how absolutely wrong it was that I didn't view life as a wonderful gift to relish, live to the full and enjoy.

Original poster

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 12/08/2013 18:12

Thank you Hen. I can relate to a lot of that. Was unhappy years ago, went to make the break and something big (huge) happened that threatened the mental health of my child so I stayed, Things have alternated between ok and bad but I have always made an excuse to stay. I have recently discovered a lump in my breast and realised that I don't want to share this journey with him and that's not right is it.

OP posts:

HenWithAttitude · 12/08/2013 18:21

No it's not right. I'm so sorry you find yourself in this position

Divorce after so long is not easy. I was told that it takes approx one month to get over each year of your relationship. It did take me a very long time and I felt huge sadness that I thought I'd never stop feeling. However in those months I also experienced great happiness, new friends, opportunities, freedom, independence and started dating which was FUN!

I dropped all commitment, all hard work, acted selfishly and dropped needy friends. (Have hardly any friends left ) What I do have, is wonderful though.

HenWithAttitude · 12/08/2013 18:24

The only thing I would say is that although you don't wish to share this journey maybe this lump and divorce is perhaps best handled separately? Maybe not...maybe get both over with and then move on. Only you know what is right and what you can handle

You should however be drawing nearer to your partner for support. If for whatever reason you cannot do that I think you know the answer to your own thread

Moanranger · 12/08/2013 22:08

,Hell my 24 year marriage ended in Feb - not my choice. My STBXH was a misery guts, and since we parted I am so much happier & positive. I did not realise how much his negativity brought me down! I also started a new relationship - was totally not looking - which is delightful.
I will still be going through a messy divorce, but my life is actually much better without my downer of an XP around.

metoo22 · 14/08/2013 14:57

Hello there
I was just thinking about how and what to post on this very issue, and saw yours Hell. Interesting to read what Hen and Moan said, thanks. Hope you don't mind me jumping on. I am also contemplating separation after 26 years and spend my life going round and round with the same questions, how can I do this to the dcs (3 teenagers)?... to dh (he is a good person)?.. how can we afford to live separately? and back to how will dcs cope, will they hate me...
How have you been since Monday when you posted?

Spickle · 14/08/2013 15:46

My friend left her DH after 24 years, that was four years ago and she is now married to someone else and has never felt happier. Her children have accepted the massive changes without any major problems (teenagers at the time). Her DH was a good man, still is, but the relationship was no longer making her happy. It had taken strength and courage to walk away and she's worse off financially, but hey, happiness is worth ten times that.

My DH died when we had been married 24 years, obviously not my choice, but made me appreciate how precious life is and how important it is to be fulfilled and not to waste it. I thought my life had ended but am now in another relationship and blissfully happy. My children, friends and family have thankfully been absolutely wonderful in accepting my new partner.

You must do what you feel you need to do, but please don't waste any more of your life feeling unfulfilled and unhappy. Make the most of your time in this world and live each day like it's the last day.

Original poster

hellhasnofurylikeahungrywoman · 14/08/2013 17:45

metoo-I'm all over the place, full of the same questions that you are and not sure I am actually finding any answers. H is a good man, he has issues which he wouldn't seek help for until now but it's too late (or it feels too late, I've been begging him for years to get help so we could sort things but despite the promises he hasn't).

Spickle I am so sorry to hear about your DH, you are right life is short and we owe it to ourselves to live as happily as we can.

Thank you everyone for your insights and experiences.

OP posts:

Lovingfreedom · 14/08/2013 17:50

Where do you see yourself in 5 or 10 years time? If answer is 'living in misery waiting for DH to drop dead or to get an excuse to dump him' start making plans to end it. You only get one shot at life. Why be miserable?

metoo22 · 14/08/2013 21:45

Spickle Sorry to hear about your dh but so glad that you and your children are able to be happy, and thanks for telling us about your friend. Loving some days that is exactly what I think, others that feels like I would be being selfish. But basically I have looked after everyone and done 90% of everything for so long, I just cant be bothered with dh's neediness any more. Like your dh, Hell, mine is now addressing some of the issues, but it feels too little too late. My feelings towards him are not going to change but can I do it to him?

Lovingfreedom · 14/08/2013 21:59

It is your life...your one life

metoo22 · 14/08/2013 22:04

Loving have you recently separated/divorced?

ArtVandelay · 14/08/2013 22:15

My mum booted my horrible father out after 26 years and she has never looked back. People really respect her for that.we look at all she has (enviable life) and know she could never had that had she stayed with the status quo. It's not the end its the beginning - good luck with your health issues x

Lovingfreedom · 14/08/2013 22:17

Yes. I woke up early morning after a funeral and thought 'I don't have to put up with this'.

RollerCola · 14/08/2013 22:47

My husband & I have recently separated after a very long time together. We've been married for 16 years but have actually been together for 23 years (I was only 15 when we met)

We've been together our entire adult life, (and half my teens) but for the last 8-10 years it's gone steadily downhill. I've tried & tried to hold it all together but ultimately it seems that he's been unhappy for years & I've now given up & accepted its all over.

It's very hard but I've realised that him being so unhappy (& miserable, grumpy, unloving, uncaring etc) is having a terrible affect on me & my own well being. I KNOW I'll be much happier without him, but I'm still sad for the long relationship we had & for how we couldn't make it work.

I've had nothing but wonderful support from every person I've told, not one has said I'm doing the wrong thing & everyone completely understands & encourages my need to stop being unhappy. The guilt at disrupting the children is killing me but they're dealing with it well so I have to accept that they'll be ok & look after myself.

I'm sorry you're going through this but if you can find the strength to get through the messy first bit the rest will come easily & will hopefully
be a big relief. Good luck x

Chandras · 15/08/2013 21:38

There is no way to know when, or if it is the right decision, until you have done it. Life will change tremendoudly but if the things are as over as you mention, you will be fine and happier.

I relate with what other people say, i also found myself being happy at a dream where I died, I went on for years putting one foot on front of the other but what did it for me was a friend who tired of hearing how miserable I was asked how would I feel if h was having an affair, the first thought thatcame to my mind was "great! He will leave me alone for a while" i knew there and then the marriage was over but it took me another few years to leave (the time it took me to find a job, clear my debts, put some money together and buy a car)

So my advise is if you want to leave, leave. But do when the time is right for YOU. Never in a haste (if things are bearable at home) divorce is like getting married, you have to plan ahead for your new life.

Chandras · 15/08/2013 21:39

I'm sure you will find the planning a very empowering experience.

Longdistance · 15/08/2013 21:43

My mil did it after about 35 years.

She's now remarried.

LemonDrizzled · 15/08/2013 22:28

Spickle I think I must be your friend! I woke up to the awful state of my marriage when I realized it was time to start planning our Silver Wedding party and I didn't want to. More happened while I struggled to sort things out but I moved out three years ago and after a lot of struggle I am happy, my DC are thriving and XH is happy. Yes I am poorer but life is wonderful.

Spickle · 16/08/2013 18:13

LemonDrizzled hello friend! Yes, the 25 year anniversary is a turning point for many I think. So pleased you're happy though, when you come out the other side, you know it was worth it!

Hellhasnofury and Metoo, whatever you decide, be happy and have no regrets. One life, make it count.

Icangetthruthis · 18/08/2013 02:23

There is a wonderful book called "Too good to leave, too bad to stay" that addresses this whole dilemma so well. That constant back and forth, not wanting to waste all those years together and hard times endured, but at the same time wondering if are jousting "wasting" more time...

Icangetthruthis · 18/08/2013 02:23

Just... Not jousting... Haha

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